With the year’s most anticipated election upon us, we take to social media to learn more about this years candidates. Where, besides Twitter, can one find valuable and objective information concerning a candidate’s viewpoints? Unless someone made a website for their Freshman Class President campaign, you probably can’t find it anywhere. That’s why the Mugdown is here to help. It’s time to Rock the Vote!
The beauty of the fall election is that it doesn’t matter.
Scratch that. Actually, if you are a freshman or one of the dozens of people who weren’t elected in the spring, it may matter to you. I’m not saying that this election isn’t a big deal, voting is important. Mark my words, The Mugdown loves democracy. We just love the petty and over-the-top campaigning part of democracy the most.
With that, it’s time for some Freshman Class President Election campaign analysis courtesy of our friends over at #TAMU18.
Yes. Freshman Class President.
Be an informed voter. Go to bres4pres.com for more pics of flaming footballs.
Wait a second. SOMEONE ACTUALLY MADE A WEBSITE??
Just because you don’t have a website, doesn’t mean you don’t care. Take Donya for instance. Before you vote on Thursday, he wants you to, and I quote, “TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOUR PETS EVEN FAMILY LETS GET A BLACK GUY IN OFFICE IM NOT OBAMA THO!”
Now that is a promising candidate. Let’s go to Twitter and see what else he has to say.
Someone needs to remind these candidates that this is not a student body president election. What’s that? About half of these people are probably going to run for SBP in three years? Nevermind. Our next two candidates are using social media to push election facts.
We saved the best for last. Actually, we legally cannot say that. Donya paid us good money to endorse him and this would be breaking our contract.
That last part isn’t true.
What is true is that it looks like the Corps may not make an endorsement this year, because two Fish Cadets are running. Also, who the hell gets endorsements when they are running for FRESHMAN CLASS PRESIDENT? But if I was a gambling man, I’d say O’Rourke probably has the advantage. Check out this tweet. He’s a servant, y’all.
You may be wondering why we didn’t cover senate elections. If you are, you’re probably campaigning for student senate yourself and just wanted the publicity. Don’t get your panties in a wad though. Even if you are elected, statistics show that you are probably going to drop out before your term anyway.
There’s a special club for people that last a full term. It meets at O’Bannons and it’s run by Cary Cheshire.
Sorry for the rant. I’m a bit jaded. Now that you are an informed voter, the choice is yours. There is a pointless election today and a bunch of freshmen that want your vote are waiting.
Be a good Ag and go to vote.tamu.edu today and tomorrow. Election results should be announced Friday evening after all 200 votes have been counted.
You suck. How could you sell out to the man? You used to be cool, but you changed. You became an official student organization of Texas A&M. I would wonder why you don’t just ask to become the University’s personal lapdog, but I guess the Batt’s been trying to take Reveille’s place for years.
We received this email early this morning and felt it was an issue we should kindly address for all our readers.
I see your point, but you don’t know the full story here. We sold out, but we sold out for a great price. We didn’t become Texas A&M’s 1025th official student organization for chump change.
It also makes us an official and legitimate representation of the University. Yeah. Us. Officially representing A&M. Let that wash over you for a second.
We’ve also got ourselves a sweet advisor now. Our advisor is pretty much the Obi-Wan to our Luke, the Dumbledore to our Harry, the Splinter to our Ninja Turtle.
What else do we get? Funding.
Sweet, sweet, funding. Maybe. I dunno. We’ll see. The SOFC says the money starts flowing once we’re considered “obedient” and when we “dance, monkey, dance”, whatever that means. Those people are weird.
And so we boldly go where no A&M newspaper has gone before. No seriously, The Good Bull and The Battalion aren’t recognized student organizations. So as far as we’re concerned, we’re a more legitimate A&M news source than either of them.
In conclusion, did we sell out? Yes. Yes, we did.
<3 Honey Bear and The Mugdown Staff
After complaints by fans that the scoreboard added the Freshman 15 a bit too early in the year, the Kyle Field media staff took a hard look at their equipment to make sure everything was square.
The video board, now the largest in the country, was made to maximize image quality, but the unintended consequence was maximizing several people’s beer bellies.
University officials were not able to determine what is causing the image to appear so wide until Friday evening. Trying to avoid culpability, several university administrators pointed to other flaws on campus to shift blame.
“I would take a good hard look at dining services,” said Athletic Director Eric Hyman. “Some of them look like the students who ate the 12th Man.”
Dining services quickly pushed the blame away from themselves, citing evidence that outsourced food actually decreases students appetites.
“Because the lowest dining option is $600, many students don’t even eat on campus,” Fred Wencel, the Senior Director of Food Operations, said. “I would be surprised if the weight gain was our fault. We try to deter students from eating on campus.”
After a week of finger-pointing and name-calling the problem was finally discovered. It turns out that a ridiculously rectangular screen was stretching the image. Because of the image crisis, 12th Man Productions immediately made the shift to a new experimental camera developed by a joint task force of engineering students and the liberal arts college.
The shift in camera equipment will only have minor costs, allowing the projected total to be $200 million to switch to the new cameras. It will be added to the Kyle Field Redevelopment budget.
The Lonely Lighter Advice Column on:
How to Like Football If You Don’t Like Football – A Girl’s Guide
I have an embarrassing confession: I can’t like Aggie Football. I know; I’m a total two-percenter, but I have really tried. There are so many rules, and it’s so hot at games. Last week, I faked passing out because I wanted to leave early when all my friends wanted to stay! I’m desperate, and for the next three months, my social life is revolving around this issue. Do you have any advice on how to fake it better or maybe even become a little more redass?
Thanks & Gig ‘Em (is that what I’m supposed to say?),
Alright, I’ll be honest. I usually don’t help two-percenters, but the less of you there are, the better. Plus, your willingness to change makes you, like, slightly more palatable. Hopefully, these tips will help you to actually enjoy the best four hours of your week.
- Let’s talk pre-kickoff.
One thing that always works in any boring situation is hydrating. Everyone feels more comfortable with a drink in hand! While water will make the games less physically miserable, alcohol will make the games more mentally tolerable. You choose which is more important.
Additionally, free food is a major plus for tailgates. You don’t have to contribute anything except a few semi-real friendships with the hosts. Honestly, tailgates are the only place I can think of that will give you legitimately delicious and completely free food. All of this is great, but the real best part about tailgates is all the small talk you get to enjoy with people who you never see and don’t care about.
- Don’t hate the players, hate the game (if you have to).
If you haven’t noticed yet, there are some fine specimens of manliness running around in front of you. Not only are they naturally (Sorry, but that ain’t natural, honey. That’s hours in the gym everyday.) ripped, but the pads they are wearing accentuate just about everything.
Exhibit A – #38 Drew Kaser:
If those eyes and that smile don’t just hit you in the heart, then maybe you haven’t looked at his butt. (Also, he is now a Heisman contender according to Toast with Toates — that’s like the football equivalent of being America’s Next Top Model.)
Exhibit B – #20 Trey Williams:
Okay, stop staring at those arms and notice how good he is with children! Have you ever seen a happier baby?
Exhibit C – #56 Mike Matthews, #96 Jay Arnold, and #1 Brandon Williams:
Girl, I don’t know your life, but maybe those first two didn’t do it for you. Maybe you’re not a butt-loving, child-caring girl; maybe you’re into luscious locks. Jay Arnold recently took a bold move with his mullet/beard combo and is honestly rocking it. Now, people get their hair cut all the time, but Mikey and Brandon have the kind of hair that softly tells you to put away the scissors and run your fingers through it slowly and tenderly.
- When the Aggies score, we score.
Boyfriends are great. Boyfriends during football season are better. Not only do you have the promised make-out session of Midnight Yell the night before, but during the game, when the Aggies put points on the board, your S.O. puts points on your board, if you know what I’m sayin’ (;
Okay, you probably have no idea what I am saying because that made no sense at all. Basically, Aggies score = stadium-wide PDA. I know you never thought the day would come at such a conservative school, but with as many points as we are putting up each game, this whole impromptu make-out thing is getting pretty commonplace. Yummy.
Added Bonus: Maybe your boyfriend will even love you enough to teach you a few things about football.
- Fake it ‘til you make it.
Last, but certainly not least, there are some key phrases that will work at any game at almost any time that will not only help you feel smart, but might actually convince those around you that you actually are. Forget understanding, just yell stuff. Most of the time the noise is appreciated.
Use the following lines any time you need to trick your friends into thinking you know what’s going on:
- “DEFENSE WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS!”
- Pull this jewel of wisdom out if people start chanting “Wrecking Crew”. Also… CHANT WRECKING CREW like all the time
- Just let it out randomly when the crowd seems excited.
- If you’re a freshman or sophomore, then opt for the half-hearted “Woo!” to avoid pushing, because freshmen do NOT whoop. That’s bad bull, and bad bull loses games. And trust me, we don’t want to lose games.
- “WHO PAID THESE REFEREES?”
- If the crowd seems upset, shouting this one is guaranteed to have people turning to agree with you.
- “GET ‘EM!” and/or “GO! GO! GO!”
- Use these, well, whenever anyone is running, really.
- For extra points, gauge the crowd’s reaction when the running stops. Use the appropriate “WHOOP!” or “WHO PAID THESE REFS?” to start a Super Combo!
With these few tips, you will be able to fool at least the other dirty two-percenters you’ll probably be standing with. Here’s to hoping you bump up to at least a three-percenter.
Have your own questions? Need a little life advice? We’ve got great news for you! Lonely Lighter answers questions from schmucks like you every week! If AskAgs scares you and you know your friends judge you, send your questions to email@example.com!
COLLEGE STATION, TX — Rumors about the famed and beloved Texas A&M University mascot, Reveille VIII, are circulating of a possible pregnancy for the First Lady of Aggieland.
It is no secret that Miss Rev is prone to take naps virtually everywhere she goes, but it seems to have escalated recently. This sudden onset of exhaustion is a typical sign of pregnancy, but this evidence by itself is not a definitive indication of a future litter.
“This decision [for Reveille VIII to retire] was reached in consultation with her veterinarians at the College of Veterinary Medicine & Biomedical Sciences,” interim president Mark Hussey wrote in the email sent out to the student body. This is a clear attempt by the University to prevent a scandal.
Any pregnancy out of wedlock causes raised eyebrows, especially at one of the most conservative schools in America. So a pregnant, single mascot is anything but ideal. However, it is also possible that the veterinarian staff has identified the possible risks facing a pregnant Reveille.
With the recent announcement of her retirement, suspicions have begun to grow. Retiring at the age of nine is relatively young; most of her predecessors went on to serve for at least ten years. It is possible that a life of constant naps in full sized beds and a fanatic adoration by the student body drew her to an early retirement. Yet, rumors of a particularly exciting “nap” continue to confirm the suspicion that Miss Rev is in fact pregnant.
But if those two factors were not convincing enough, recall the events of Saturday, Sept. 20. When Miss Rev was about to be the victim of a brutal collision, her handler Ryan Kreider made the defensive move of the day by body checking Southern Methodist University’s wide receiver out of the way. As one of the only people with knowledge of her “situation”, this was obviously a move to protect not only Reveille, but her puppies.
“I was just doing my job,” said Kreider. “I have to protect the future, er, present of Aggieland.”
The protection Kreider provided was paramount to the future of Texas A&M’s mascot chain, as Reveille X will likely come from this litter of puppies.
The facts are almost undeniable. Lady Rev is pregnant. Only one question remains: who is the father?
-Lone Star Lady and Beutel Call
Only moments after Kyle Kelly finished his prayer to the Hebrew God before the first football game against Lamar, another god stirred. In spectacular wrath, Zeus began to throw down lightning bolts to punish the bigotry of the Aggies. For hours, Zeus threw bolt after bolt, declaring that the God of Moses was not alone.
When he finally grew weary of the practice, Zeus allowed the game to go on, tossing a bolt here and there when the NCAA officials blinked. The game went on with a convincing win for the Aggies, perhaps thanks to the prayer that Kelly sent up at the outset.
The following week, the God of Abraham, knowing that he was showed up in front of Lamar, took a preemptive move to show the Aggies that he was still relevant. He sent a flood from the heavens. The rain didn’t make much of an impact on the good students of Aggieland, and the game against Rice came as scheduled.
Again Kelly prayed, this time calling the God of Jacob with echoing force to bless the game and the injured. As the stadium amplified the prayer another god awoke. With the monotheistic blasphemy still ringing in his ears, Poseidon’s rage took shape. With the field still saturated from the other God’s rain, Poseidon dug in. After every play he shook the ground. Patches of grass erupted from the field and flew across the earth. Holes appeared in place of solid ground. With calculated precision, Poseidon toyed with the grounds crew for four quarters.
The raging gods wreaked havoc on the Aggies and their win over the Owls came by a slim margin. However, the unrest above did not end with the final whistle. The battle continues. After a rescheduled venue for Breakaway on Tuesday, the balance of power shifted again.
Wednesday afternoon, students emerged from class to find Apollo fanning the blaze of the sun while the God of Joseph forced rain to fall once more. The contradicting weather caused many students to seek shelter, while others were paralyzed by fear. Through it all, the chaos above was evident.
Around 5:00 the gods finally reached a peace agreement, and the God of Noah sent a beautiful sky-spanning rainbow to promise the students that the strife was over. Not to be outdone, Iris sent a second rainbow just a bit higher than the first.