The Lorag

At the far end of Station,

Where the Memorial grass had grown

And the wind smells of Aggies we had once known

And no nuts for squirrels to hoard or to chew,

Is the street of the Spirited Lorag.

 

And deep in that spot, there is still left

The shop of the Agministrator, Regent Bereft.

With a sign by his door, “no lie, cheat, or theft.”

And there for a nickel you can overpay

to hear how the Lorag was lifted away.

 

Who was this Lorag?

And what did it say?

Why was it taken so far, far away?

Longly and slowly, the Agmin swallows his sounds

Like a fish eating water, he downed and he drowned:

 

“Way far back in the land of the free

In the realm of the sacred Century Tree.

When the grass was still green

And the Corps, spit-shined and clean,

 

I first saw sight of the trees.

The trees, the trees, the Hullabaloo trees!

Their soft, willowy trunks

And the shadowy cool of their cucumber leaves…

 

I knew at once that this was the place.

I’d chop up a chop and clear me some space.

A hack and a homp and away in a race,

I flattened so fastly

the knoll known as Grassy,

 

When out of a sudden popped a man dressed smart.

I jumped with a holler, I jumped with a start.

This man dressed so silly, you couldn’t have guessed

if his bowtie was facing north or west!

 

He had a full furry lip and glasses so round

He waddled around like a duck on the ground.

“Agminstrator,” he rasped like a dry dust bowl,

“I am the Lorag. I speak for the knoll!

I am asking you now from the pit of my soul.

 

I speak for the knoll and I speak for the trees

You must stop at once, you mustn’t do as you please!”

He was terribly troubled, most visibly vexed.

“What plans have you got, what will be next!”

 

Dear friend, I said, there’s no need to be stressed.

Just think of all the students who will be blessed

with more space to learn when it is done.

I never meant to hurt anything or anyone.

 

Then away in a rush, all the rules I did flush.

I was mad as a peacock, I was mad as a flock.

I called all my buddies, I called all my chums,

My dandy donors: Buzbee, Bright, and Bum.

 

And before you could count to two,

we grew and We Grew and WE GREW!

‘Till the donors had leapt and the Ag majors wept

For the Saffadoo Squirrels who all had been swept

 

The Field of Duncan was ripe for the chunkin’

Why see the sun when schoolwork’s more fun!

But not before the Elephant Ears…

Oh no, we lopped those off with New Army shears.

With a snip and a slomp and concrete for miles,

We swam in our gold, all poured out in piles!

 

Then once more the Lorag croaked in retort

“I am the Lorag,” he choked in a snort,

“The Saffadoo Squirrels have no peace at night.

The cranes and the trains give them quite a fright!

They must find home elsewhere, I don’t know if you care.”

 

Look, my foolish frumpy friend,

I have plans for profits that never end,

to fills these halls with pockets that lend.

Many of thousands and eleventy billions

students in excess will grant us their bullions.

 

Yelling, “25-by-25!”

We hacked down every tree alive.

Every last one, till the last Hullabaloo bud.

It fell with thud, the last lonely dud.

 

No more hacking and homping,

No more ground for the stomping.

All the professors closed their books,

All the cadets marched home,

The lecture halls empty…

 

For the last time, the Lorag came.

He looked so fragile, frail, and lame.

“Agministrator,” he whispered, in a soft wheeze

“There are no more squirrels, students, or trees.”

Then upward he floated in quickening breeze,

Never to bother me with his unbearable sneeze.

 

All that remained on the spot where he stood,

at the spot of the last Hullabaloo wood,

was a small pile of books, with one word…

“UNLESS.”

Of what it could mean, I hadn’t a clue I confess.

 

But now the Lorag’s words are so clear

These are the words that you must hold so dear:

“UNLESS someone like you

cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is going to get better.

It’s not.”


-Bellamy Partridge

Student Athlete Tears ACL in Failed Ring Dunk

College-wide inebriation and overused puns are in full force here at Texas A&M as #RingDunkSZN is now upon us. While Ring Day is a day to celebrate with friends and family, get engaged, or realize how few friends you actually have, most Aggies look forward to one thing and one thing only, the infamous Ring Dunk.

Dunking one’s ring is a time-honored tradition here in Aggieland, but one Texas A&M Basketball player, who wishes to remain anonymous, decided to take his Ring Dunk to a new level.

The injured player, who lead the team in both blocks and points per game in the last half of the Aggie’s most recent season, was rumored to have torn his ACL this past Saturday night. The anonymous 6 foot 7 male player from Sugar Land, Texas was confirmed by head athletic trainer Matt Doles to be taking some time to recover. Doles has been on the Texas A&M sidelines for 10 seasons now, and when asked to comment about the injury he couldn’t help but become irked.

“It was laughable, irresponsible even,” said Doles. “In my many years of sports, I have never seen something so stupid.”

Doles would not elaborate on the situation any further other than this injury will end this young man’s next season before it begins.

It was first reported via his own Facebook announcement that the anonymous student-athlete, with the permission of Reed Arena General Manager, Leslie Lamkin, would hold his Ring Dunk on the court of Reed Arena.

“We had full faith in all parties involved that nothing but a Ring Dunk would occur…We made sure that no basketball activities were to take place,” Lamkin said. However, based on eyewitness reports along with a brief search through the Twitter-sphere, the injury was confirmed: a freak accident involving the literal slam-dunking of an Aggie Ring.

Critics have been quick to argue that a free-throw would have been preferable so as to avoid the injury, but it would have been admittedly less glamorous, nor would the shot have been guaranteed. It can only be assumed that such an idea came after the traditional Ring Drunk, as only someone who drinks five beers in 30 seconds would think this was a good idea.

*We here at The Mugdown would like to congratulate all of those who have received their rings and remind you all both to drink and dunk responsibly. Just kidding, if you don’t dunk your ring in under 20 seconds, you’re not a real Aggie.

-E. King Trill

Find Your Aggie Spouse Now Before It’s Too Late

The spring semester is rapidly approaching a close, fellow students.  If you have already missed the “ring before spring” deadline, it is time you got with the program.  If you are a graduating senior, this is especially imperative.

How can you be even thinking about graduation if you have not found your Aggie soul mate to spend the rest of your life with?

You still have a little bit of time left, and you need to start your search, if you have not already.  (Ladies, this may mean considering liberal arts and education majors.)

Why do you need to find your spouse now?

First, college is the relationship incubator, and it is the last stop before last resorts on where to meet that special someone.

Second, you have to find someone here to help you raise your maroon-blooded family.  Those “house divided” signs are not for true Aggies.

Third, it is what you are supposed to do. Everyone else is doing it. Do not be the odd man/woman out now.

If you are in need of a little help, the launching of a new dating website called agsandmags.com is a great place to start.  Make your profile today.

-Century TreeHarmony

Rec Reminds Us that Improvements are Coming

As swimsuit and jort season rapidly approaches, the seasonal influx of students using the Student Recreation Center is at an all time low during this construction season. The noise, crowdedness, and fear of bat attacks prevent all but the most dedicated regulars from visiting the Rec. The Rec has responded by reminding the student body that huge improvements in the facility are well on their way.

“We are very excited about the upcoming developments here at the Rec and wanted to remind our students that the waiting will be worth it,” said Dennis Corrington, executive director of the Rec. “By this time next year, students will have 23 percent more space to come to the Rec and relax, study, or meet with their organizations.”

The $50 million project was approved to accommodate the needs of the growing bodies of the growing student body. For years, students expressed their concerns with the current Rec.

“There is exactly one place where we are allowed to deadlift,” Cody Evans, a senior kinesiology major said. “You either have to try and work in with some people or wait for 20 minutes.”

“Last time I was at the Rec, I couldn’t find an open cardio machine, so I had to run on the track. It was pretty busy up there too,” Rachel Terry, a sophomore biomedical science major, said.

The Rec’s staff has listened to the students and hopes that the renovations will address their biggest concerns.

“After getting some feedback from our students, it seems they wanted some more space to sit and do homework, which is why we are adding plenty of lounge areas, complete with power outlets and Wi-Fi,” Corrington said. “We also heard concerns about people not finding equipment to use in the weight room, so we’re making the weight room bigger to spread everything out and make it easier to find everything.”

Many students reported that “waiting” was the worst part of their visits to the Rec. The renovations will also address this by adding a brand new mega-desk system so a student will never have to wait to use a customer service desk again.

“We got a lot of complaints from students saying they had to wait too long at the Rec. We hope to alleviate these wait times by streamlining our resources for them,” Corrington said. “The mega-desk will take over one of the basketball courts and will allow students to swipe their ID, get a towel, sign up for a summer adventure, and order a smoothie all in one place. No waiting.”

Other staff members, like strength and conditioning coordinator Josh Adams, said that their direct interaction with the students helped shape the plan to improve the Rec.

“I would see half a dozen people crammed around one squat rack,” Adams said. “With the weight room expansion, there will be plenty of space for people to wait for a rack.”

Texas A&M hopes that these additions to the Rec will help maintain status as a top tier research institution.

-War Hymnal

New Study Shows Only 50,000 Distinct Faces Exist. A&M has 56,000 Students…

A recent study by the Psychology Department claims that there are only 50,000 truly distinct faces in the world. This means that many people have “virtually indistinguishable traits.” At a school the size of Texas A&M, that means that there are at least 6,000 people walking around that have no individual identity and have a visual double somewhere on campus.

The study looked at both small liberal arts colleges and large state universities finding that at the smaller schools there was a wide range of facial traits, while at the state schools, it was not uncommon to run up to a friend only to realize he or she was not your friend but a perfect approximation nearly indistinguishable by modern science.

Critics of the study point to the largest anomaly known in existence, the Texas A&M Corps of Cadets, because despite the odds, every single member has “virtually indistinguishable traits.” Psychologists have not been able to explain this, but do acknowledge that even they have mistaken a cadet in the study with another cadet, who was in fact mistaken for his roommate in the first place.

What some have rushed to call the “ambiguous feature effect” is nothing short of a doppelganger effect. In short, because of the size of our university, you are statistically likely to mistake someone for your friend, once or possibly even several times per day.

At small schools like Rice, you know who your friends are and can recognize people across campus, but at Texas A&M, the odds are stacked against you.

As the old adage goes, you don’t always know who your friends are.

-Commons Lobbyist

The Mugdown Comes Out

As the school year draws to a close, many members of the Fightin’ Texas Aggie Class of 2015 are poised to graduate, including many of our very own staff. While they may graduate from Texas A&M University, they will never graduate from our hearts.

The Mugdown Comes Out Collage (updated)

Nine of our dearly beloved writers pass from this mortal realm into another equally mortal realm, from the world of The Mugdown to the world of reality. And as we bid them farewell from this organization, it is with a heavy heart for we know a crueler world awaits them. Time shall not be kind to them. No, time will not be kind to them. Yet they march forward. Onward. Unrelenting. Bravely facing the doom they know is at hand.

Andy Jett  (personal) (retouched)Andy Jett

Bravely and foolishly. I pity them really. They spend the last portion of their lives building this organization from scratch clawing and fighting to get where they are. Now, they are being unceremoniously dumped out into a world they cared little for and which cared even less about them.

Ben Gothman  (personal) (retouched)Benjamin Gothman

And their child, their darling creation they’ve nourished from birth with their own blood, sweat, and tears, is being ripped from its mother’s breast to have its fate determined by the whims of its newly adopted parents. Will they raise it as if it were their own or shall they cast it to the wolves, neglected and forgotten?

Courtney Welch  (retouched) (personal)Courtney Welch

If only they could divine the future, peer past the foggy veil of the present to catch a glimmer of their fate to come. But fate is not a mistress easily charmed.

Jamie Bennett  (personal) (retouched)James Bennett

Nay. But she waits for us all nevertheless. Ever we look to her dreaming of the captivating enchantress hidden just beyond our sight. Yet we chase her dreaming of the vision we held in our youth, and day by day she flits back ever beyond our reach.

Linley McCord  (personal) (retouched)Linley McCord

The chase seems eternal; time stretches farther than we ever thought possible. Then we find her. Fate, the radiant virgin we once sought so vigorously in the prime of our lives, has aged not like a vintage wine grown in a land we once knew in a dream but like goat’s milk curdled and soured from the neglect of the harsh elements that barrage the surface of a harsher world.

Lucas Williamson (personal) (retouched)Lucas Williamson

Yes. This is what the future has in store for our wide-eyed graduates. We do not envy them. No, there is not a word found amongst the tomes of English literature or half a dozen languages that can accurately describe the overwhelming pain it is to see them forsake the safety of this nest.

Ryan Vinzant  (personal) (retouched)Ryan Vinzant

The rocket of their lives has begun to launch. They aim for the moon for they know if they miss, they will land among the stars. But they clearly didn’t learn much in their time here at school, because any basic understanding of our own solar system will tell you that those that miss the moon do not land anywhere near a star, but instead come crashing down to Earth in a ball of fiery ruin.

Shelbi Polk  (personal) (retouched)Shelbi Polk

The poor souls. Their outlook is so bleak, I’ve run out of metaphors to describe it. In fact, I don’t expect many to actually read this far into this article. I mostly expect people to skim the first paragraph or too for context and spend the rest of the time checking the pictures and the names to see if they know any of these graduating clowns.

William French  (personal) (retouched)William French

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe someone is actually still reading this. That would be impressive. I don’t even think there is a single sentence in this article that forms half a rational thought. However, there may be someone out there who just has to read every word of this thing. Like some compulsion compels them forward. If that’s the case, here’s some actually straightforward and useful information to reward you, you weirdo.

Nine seniors are graduating from Texas A&M University and The Mugdown. Their names are Andy Jett, Benjamin Gothman, Courtney Welch, Jamie Bennett, Linley McCord, Luke Williamson, Ryan Vinzant, Shelbi Polk, and William French. They helped raise The Mugdown to what it is and now leave it in the hands of writers they hand picked and trained themselves. So it’ll probably do just fine. Probably.

<3,

The Mugdown

Why Liberal Arts is Super Dumb

Once upon a time, there were dumb people who did not want to be engineers. There people are Liberal Arts majors. Why do they want to be Liberal Arts? In my opinion it is because they do not understand why engineers are so great, and now I will tell you why. Because I am an engineer and I know that I am right and here is why that is.

My first point is that engineers do much good in the world. We build bridges and houses and schools and medicines and everything else is the whole wide world. While we do all of the good things, liberal arts majors do not do any of the good things. All they do I read and write and that is all. I think that all of that is super pointless. There has never been anything good that came from books. Uncle Tom’s Cabin did not make people say that slavery is dumb. Even books that people say are classical are mega dumb. Why do I need to read The Lord of the Rings when I can watch the movie? The movie is better anyway. I think that the second Lord of the Rings movie is the best one.

Some of the things that liberal arts does is not real. What I mean when I say that some of the things that liberal arts do is not real is that sometimes it is theoretical. This is dumber than anything that can be done in a different college. All of the math and formulas that we do is always based on things in the real world. It is never made up. Never. It is always real.

The world is super simple, not like formulas and math. Majors like history and political science and international studies do not make a difference not even a little one. The people that are in Washington make all of the laws anyway, I don’t think that understanding how the system works make it go good. I trust the people who live in a place that almost won two Super Bowels in a row. And I do not need to know all of the stuff that happened a billion years ago. That is what Google is for. A engineer probably made Google, so history is less then engineering.

Lastly, I want to convince the people that are reading this that even an engineer can do what liberal arts does, except that I can do it more good. Writing is not hard, and even though people in the real world do not need to use it ever, engineers could still do it super good. In conclusion, liberal arts is a pointless thing. If an engineer was to try to write something and sound all of the kinds of professional, I can.

The End

-Beutal Call

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