Beautiful Playing in the MSC Flag Room Makes Youth Doubt Self Worth

The MSC flag room is a cozy spot frequently visited by students hoping to relax, unwind, and study.  The seating options are plentiful, the chairs themselves comfortable, the lighting moody, the decor lovely, the atmosphere homey, the people friendly, and the piano playing beautiful.

Yesterday, however, it was discovered that the soothing music was perhaps a bit too beautiful for a certain Dylan McKinney, a junior business major from Beaumont, Texas. Yes, the reason that so many choose to study here has become a cause for distress to the young student.

“You see,” said McKinney, “I know the pianist is supposed to be good, but this guy—this guy was something else. As soon as he started playing, I stopped my studying and started doubting everything I’ve ever done.”

The piano has been a staple to the MSC flag room since its inception in 1951. In that time, thousands of players have graced the piano’s keys to play Mozart, Beethoven, and the occasional Disney.

When asked to elaborate, McKinney simply said, “I don’t know man…I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. This whole college thing may not be good for me”.

Strangely, McKinney is not alone. The music seems to have affected quite a few others, all of whom reported similar feelings of despair, anguish, self-loathing, doubt, anger, and self-pity.

The mysterious musician has not been found or identified, but the school is taking the necessary precautions, such as increasing security at every piano at the school, to ensure the safety of its students.

-Plug Down for Watt

Senior Finishes Netflix

After finishing the last episode of “Paranormal Home Inspectors,” senior James Werther realized that he had watched the totality of the Netflix library. There were no shows to be recommended. There were no hours to be procrastinated. It was finished.

“I kind of have mixed feelings about it. I mean, it is a pretty big deal to finish Netflix, but I have no idea what to do with my time now,” said Werther. “I guess I could try homework, but let’s be honest for a second—my options are basically limited to naps and Buzzfeed.”

Werther has spent the majority of his afternoons and evenings working on his goal of completing the Netflix library. He suffered through countless documentaries and foreign language dramas, but he says it was all worth it.

“To be honest, I am proud of my accomplishment,” said Werther. “It started off as a way to kill time, but eventually turned into a passion—an obsession.”

Now that his goal is completed, Werther has turned his attention to bigger things—like the classes he has neglected for the last three and a half years.

“Netflix was great, but ultimately, as a mechanical engineer, I think I have some catching up to do,” said Werther. “I’m pretty sure I have about three or four textbooks to read and a couple group projects I completely ignored, but hey, if I can finish Netflix, I can do literally anything.”

Werther’s favorite shows include “House of Cards,” “Breaking Bad,” and all seven seasons of “Gilmore Girls.” During our interview, we mentioned that Netflix would be adding the third season of “House of Cards” later this month.

Werther was shocked and said, “Well, guess I will have to graduate a semester later.”

Netflix refused to comment on the accomplishment, but we believe Werther was the first to complete the entire Netflix library.

Werther accepted a job with Exxon Mobile as a chemical engineer and will be starting work in fall of 2015.

-Cactus Jack

HOUSE of KOLDUS: Part 2 of 2

Mugdown Presents
House of Koldus
by Honey Bear

 

*House of Cards Seasons 1 and 2 Spoilers Below*

This is the second part of a two-part series. Check HERE to read the first part to HOUSE of KOLDUS!

 

Scene 4
(Inside the senate meeting. Benigno is standing at a podium at the front as a bunch of camera flashes are going off. Zoe Barnes is among the reporters ready to take notes on a small notebook.)
Joseph Benigno: It’s been a long day for everyone. I know that. But I think you all know me well enough to have confidence that I would not have called a press conference this late at night unless it was of the utmost importance.
(Benigno begins to open the envelope that Murtha gave him earlier.)
Joseph Benigno: My team and I have been working all day to get to the bottom of this recount business. Not an hour ago, we found what we were looking for.
(Benigno pulls a small stack of pages out of the envelope holding them up for everyone to see.)
Joseph Benigno: These are the transcripts between Frank Underwood and Election Commissioner Emma Douglas discussing at length their plan to stack the SBP votes in Frank’s favor! I have over a dozen pages worth of emails laying out their elaborate scheme.
(Shot of Emma Douglas. She looks nervous and many people are glancing back at her. Joseph begins reading from the emails.)
Joseph Benigno: This is from an email between Frank and Emma last night:

“Frank.
The vote is set. It will be announced tomorrow evening that you have won the election by a margin of 11 percent.

Sincerely,
Emma Douglas”

I can not stress enough my recommendation to the Senate that Frank Underwood’s victory should be immediately nullified and his reputation held in contempt.
(The room explodes into a fury of camera flashes and questions. Zoe is seen rapidly jotting notes. A pale Emma Douglas has worked her way to the front of the room.)
Emma Douglas:(shaky, but resolved) I don’t know where Joe is getting his information from, but I can assure you that I learned the results of the election at the same time as everybody else: after the votes came in.
Reporter: And what about these emails you are accused of?
Emma Douglas: They are false. I’m sure as soon as my team is given the chance, they will be able to prove the utter lack of validity to these claims.
(Another man has now worked his way through the frenzy to the front of the room.)
Michael Murtha: There’s no need for that.
Emma Douglas: What do you mean?
Michael Murtha: I can solve the issue right now.
(Michael pulls out and opens a new, sealed, envelope. He pulls it out and scans the sheet.)
Michael Murtha: The recount is in. Frank did not win by 11 percent.
(Joseph allows himself a slight smile.)
Michael Murtha: He won by 13.
(The room is in an uproar. Joseph looks dumbstruck.)
Michael Murtha: (with a cheeky smile) And if that isn’t proof enough, our election commissioner always signs her emails “Thanks and gig ‘em.”
(As Michael holds up the recount sheet for the press to examine, Emma walks up behind.)
Emma Douglas: (In a hushed voice barely audible over the racket being made by senators and reporters) You’re working for Frank, too?
Michael Murtha: (still smiling) I am.

 

Scene 5
(It is now very late at night. Frank is briskly walking across campus finally heading home for the night. He looks like he’s fighting the cold with his hands tucked into an overcoat and a hat on his head to keep out the chill.)
Zoe Barnes: It’s clever.
(Frank spins towards the voice.)
Frank Underwood: (amused) Ms. Barnes! I can’t say I’m too surprised to see you. Can I ask what’s clever?
Zoe Barnes: All of it.
(She shrugs her shoulders as she thinks over where to start.)
Zoe Barnes: You took out both Benigno and Murtha, and no one’s caught on yet.
Frank Underwood: You think that was my handiwork?
Zoe Barnes: I know it was your handiwork. Benigno took the heat for fabricating evidence against you, but as soon as he revealed that Murtha gave him the phony proof, Murtha was dragged down with him. Not only did you give Murtha the means to take down Benigno, you gave Benigno proof that Murtha was hacking into senators’ emails. You set them up to take each other out.
Frank Underwood: (Frank continues along the path he had been walking before) Walk with me, Ms. Barnes? I’d sure hate to miss the last bus off campus.
Zoe Barnes: But that’s still only two of your three opposing candidates. What about Tsau?
Frank Underwood: Who do you think convinced him to run in the first place?
Zoe Barnes: ...robbing both Benigno and Murtha of the minority vote and pushing you to the top.
(Frank smiles.)
Zoe Barnes: I plan to publish everything first thing tomorrow morning. You should prepare a statement.
Frank Underwood: Can I ask you a question of my own now? How did you work it out?
Zoe Barnes: I asked the questions an unbiased journalist should ask.
Frank Underwood: (looks at the camera with a slight chuckle) This our stop.
Zoe Barnes: Our?-
(Frank grabs Zoe by the shoulders, spins her around, and throws her in front of an oncoming Aggie Spirit Bus.)
Frank Underwood: (Spitefully) Enjoy the free tuition.
(Cut to black. Long Pause.)

 

Scene 6
(Shot of Koldus exterior. The sun has risen and is heralding in a new morning. Students are shuffling to class. Cut to inside Koldus. Frank walks into his office and sets a copy of the Battalion on his desk. The headline reads: "UNDERWOOD ELECTED STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT." Underneath is a column detailing Joseph's and Michael's removals from the Student Government Association and a column detailing the death of a local reporter. Frank is now alone in his office. He runs his hands along his desk in grave contemplation. He looks up and stares into the camera. After a long pause, he bangs his Aggie ring twice on the table. Cut to black. Democracy is so overrated.)

HOUSE of KOLDUS: Part 1 of 2

Mugdown Presents
House of Koldus
by Honey Bear

 

*House of Cards Seasons 1 and 2 Spoilers Below*
Black screen “Mugdown Presents” fades into an intro parodying “House of Cards” with time lapses of various A&M buildings. During the intro credits, the names of actual student senators and political figures appear on screen. Last shot is the Academic Building at night with the title “HOUSE of KOLDUS” and an upside-down TAMU flag.

 

Scene 1
(Shot of Koldus exterior. It is late in the afternoon. Camera follows a young reporter into Koldus as she tries to get a politician’s attention.)
Zoe Barnes: Mr. Underwood. Mr. Underwood!
(Frank continues his path ignoring the exasperated reporter.)
Zoe Barnes: Mr. Underwood, a quote for the Battalion?
(Frank continues ignoring the reporter.)
Zoe Barnes: Mr. Underwood, your constituents have no idea what’s going on and I’m starting to believe your campaign team is even more clueless. Please, if I could get just a word from you, a quote would go a long way.
Frank Underwood: (while still walking) It’s President Underwood now. Or Student Body President Underwood if you feel so inclined.
Zoe Barnes: Not until after the recount.
Frank Underwood: (dismissively) My staff and I are quite confident that the recount will come back exactly the same. This whole business is pure nonsense.
Zoe Barnes: 5 for Yell seems to disagree. Care to share what makes you so confident?
Frank Underwood: (visibly annoyed) Look, Miss-
Zoe Barnes: -Barnes.
Frank Underwood: -Barnes. I’d like to go back to celebrate with my staff and this is starting to turn into a rather aggressive line of questioning. May I ask what makes you so confident the results will come back different?
Zoe Barnes: Nothing. There’s turmoil in the senate and chaos across the campus. The people have a right to know what’s going on. These are just the questions an unbiased journalist should be asking. Your answer, Mr. Underwood?
(Frank rolls his eyes at the camera and then turns back to Zoe.)
Frank Underwood: There's no such thing as an unbiased journalist, Miss Barnes. You either have the decency to pretend you don't have a political agenda, or you write for The Good Bull.
(Frank enters a room where his staff is celebrating, shutting the door on Zoe.)

 

Scene 2
(Inside the party room, Frank has begun smiling and shaking hands with various members of his team. Doug Stamper appears next to him with a clipboard.)
Doug Stamper: (speaking in a brief and quiet voice) Kyle Kelly’s on board, but I can’t get Reid to budge.
Frank Underwood: That’s unusual. Reid always backs Kyle. Trouble in paradise?
Doug Stamper: Not quite. The two still seem to be on good terms.
Frank Underwood: Why do you say that?
Doug Stamper: They still have plans tonight to play Trivia Crack together.
Frank Underwood: A ploy then?
Doug Stamper: I believe so.
Frank Underwood: But why would they split the power of the machine?
Doug Stamper: I’m not sure. But I plan to find out.
(Doug turns starting to walk away.)
Frank Underwood: I’ll have my phone on me.
(Doug now leaves. Frank steps towards the camera talking to the audience as he works through his thoughts.)
Frank Underwood: Every machine has a purpose, a well-defined, easily predictable purpose, and that purpose can only be fulfilled when every gear, every cog works in perfect unison. But what happens when the machine turns in opposite directions?
(Meechum walks up in a corps uniform. Frank snaps out of his thought-daze, breaking eye contact with the camera and turning to face Meechum.)
Frank Underwood: Ah, Meechum. I was just about to find you.
Edward Meechum: Hello, sir. I should congratulate you.
Frank Underwood: Thank you, but not yet, Meechum. I still have work to do.
(Frank gets a text from Doug.)
Doug Stamper text: “Murtha’s making his move.”
(Frank turns to Meechum.)
Frank Underwood: Meechum, do you remember what I told you when you started this job?
Edward Meechum: That I would be a rock. I absorb nothing, say nothing, and nothing breaks me.
Frank Underwood: Good. Let’s take a walk.
(Meechum and Frank leave the party.)

 

Scene 3
(Murtha and Benigno meet. They are inside All Faiths Chapel. The sun has now gone down and the chapel is dark with the exception of a few candles that are starting to flicker low. Murtha sits in the pew behind Benigno talking to him, but not making eye contact.)
Michael Murtha: Joseph.
Joseph Benigno: Michael.
Michael Murtha: Thank you for meeting with me.
Joseph Benigno: Why’d you bring me out here? No one uses this building.
Michael Murtha: Exactly. I know how to get the upperhand on Frank.
Joseph Benigno: (intrigued) How?
Michael Murtha: He thinks I’m working for him.
Joseph Benigno: What does he want?
Michael Murtha: He stacked the votes.
Joseph Benigno: Everyone knows that. That’s why 5 demanded the recount.
Michael Murtha: 5 for Yell’s working for Frank too.
Joseph Benigno: Hold up. Why would Frank call a recount on himself?
Michael Murtha: He knew simply stacking the votes would be questioned, so he wanted to make sure that when the votes were recounted, it was on his own terms.
Joseph Benigno: That brings me back to my original question: why are you telling me this? Why didn’t you team up with Isaiah?
Michael Murtha: I did. Isaiah was supposed to secure the minority vote. Then, when the timing was right, he was supposed to drop out of the race and endorse me as SBP. With the minority vote in my pocket, I would have had enough support to take on anyone. Even you.
Joseph Benigno: ...but something went wrong.
Michael Murtha: The time came for him to drop, but instead, he stayed in the race. He got the ridiculous notion he could actually compete. Tsau flew too close to the sun, and now he’s surprised he’s been burnt. And if it weren’t for Frank, you’re the candidate who would have actually won the election. The campus knows a Machine candidate when they see one. You have the most pull. If you lead the charge against Frank, the student body will rally behind you. I’m not a fan of yours, but I’m even less of a fan of Frank’s.
Joseph Benigno: You expect me to just believe that? If you work for Frank as you claim, how am I supposed to trust you?
Michael Murtha: I don’t. I just need you to believe that I’m not stupid enough to think Frank would actually make a better SBP than you.
Joseph Benigno: The problem still stands though: we have no proof.
Michael Murtha: You have no proof. I do. I work for Frank. Together we can bring him down.
(Murtha stands up, genuflects, and before turning away, drops a small but thick envelope in the collection basket sitting at the end of Benigno’s pew. Murtha shoots off a text as he walks out of the chapel.)
Michael Murtha text: “Benigno has the proof.”
(Benigno opens the envelope and after mumbling a quick prayer walks out of the chapel. However, the camera stays on the door. After a long moment, we don’t see him, but we hear Frank’s voice.)
Frank Underwood: There’s nothing sadder than a man scrambling to cling to what little power he has. To an ambitious man, power is the light at the end of the tunnel. It consumes all thought, hope, and desire. He is so focused on the light, he fails to even glance at the darkness.
(Frank steps out of the shadows walking towards the camera to close-up. Frank now fills the frame.)
Frank Underwood: But darkness is where the true power lies.
To be continued...

This is the first part of a two-part series. Click HERE to read the shocking conclusion to HOUSE of KOLDUS!

The Mugdown’s Guide to the 2015 Elections

The Mugdown’s “I Am Gig the Vote (And So Can You!)”
A One Stop Guide to the SBP Elections

This is the best time of the year to be in The Mugdown. It’s basically our Christmas. Many of you may be tired of having people yell at you and run around wearing matching shirts, but not us. We get a weird sort of high from it. Well…from that and the adderall we’ve been taking to crank out these election articles.

However, we know not everyone loves elections and could care less who represents our school as yell leader or student body president. We won’t even get you started on Student Senate. That’s why we’ve put together this comprehensive voting guide for you. Now, if you want to stay off campus to avoid the incoming election hysteria, you can, AND you will still be able to be an informed voter.

Without further ado, here is way more information than you ever wanted about a bunch of people you will probably never meet.

SBP Header - Pros & ConsPros and Cons - MurthaPros and Cons - Benigno
Pros and Cons - Tsau

 

SBP Header - Everything You Need to Know
Policies and Involvement - Benigno
Policies and Involvement - Murtha
Policies and Involvement - Tsau

 

SBP Header - Flow Chart
SBP Flow Chart

 

Now, do we just expect you to take our advice blindly and vote for who we tell you? Yes. Vote here: vote.tamu.edu.  Feel free to write in “The Mugdown”

<3,
Honey Bear and The Mugdown staff

Tsau Outsources Entire Campaign Team

It was revealed today that Isaiah Tsau, junior marketing major and student body president candidate, hired all members of his campaign team from Rice University. Throughout his campaign, Tsau has stressed the importance of diversity on campus and in local leadership. His crowning achievement was assembling the first campaign staff in Texas A&M history with no caucasian students. Now, Tsau’s staff and his integrity are under question by the student body.

“When I think of A&M, I don’t think of maroon and white,” said Tsau. “I think of maroon and black and brown and yellow. I wanted my campaign team to reflect that vision, and it just was not feasible to find enough socially active and politically minded individuals here in Aggieland.”

“I really thought we would get away with it,” said Daniel Wong, a childhood friend of Tsau’s and his head campaign manager. “Isaiah always told me about his dream of a more culturally diverse A&M, and I just could not say no to helping him achieve it. He is really persuasive.”

Texas A&M is over 60 percent white, though a stroll through west campus makes that number seem closer to 80 or 90 percent. Tsau chose Rice University because of its proximity to A&M and the fact that the campus is less than 40 percent white. Most of his team are friends from back home, but he also hand picked a few ringers.

Political scandals like this are historically hard to come back from, so The Mugdown asked Tsau what this scandal means for his team and himself.

“Well, I guess they won’t need to keep using the fake (Aggie) IDs I made for them, which is a plus,” said Tsau. “Unfortunately, it also might hurt my senators’ chance to get elected. But I already figured that would be an uphill battle, what with them still taking classes at Rice and all.”

-Cactus Jack

Joseph Benigno Looking to Inherit Kyle Kelly’s Empire

An Empire may rise and fall, but one thing will always remain the same: for every sith, there is an apprentice. Student body presidents past refer to this as the “Rule of Two.”

“I have had a successful career leading the Aggie Empire, but my time is drawing to a close,” said Emperor Kyle Kelly. “I have been grooming Darth Benigno for this role from a young age. Soon, his power will eclipse mine, and I shall become expendable. When he is ready to claim the mantle of Dark Lord as his own, he must do so by eliminating me.”

Joseph Benigno’s close ties to Emperor Kelly are not unknown to citizens of the Empire. Old souls of the campus may still remember the “Stand with Kyle, He’s Hostile” campaign of yesteryear and can see its faint reflection in the current “Go with Joe, Let the Dark Side Grow” campaign.

While Darth Benigno has been apprenticed to Emperor Kelly for a year now, some suspect he has been following the same path to the Dark Side forged by Emperor Kelly years ago. Not only were both members of the Dark Brotherhood of Christian Aggies, Darth Benigno has been Emperor Kelly’s Executive Vice President Emperor in much the same way that a young Emperor Kelly was apprenticed as Executive Vice President Emperor to former Student Body Emperor Reid Joseph.

However, Emperor Kelly has not been Darth Benigno’s only inspiration. The way of the Sith is as age-old as it is reliable. Darth Benigno follows the ancient and occult path blazed by numerous former student body emperors involved in the Order of the Fish Aides. This list includes Sith Lord greats like Mark Gold ‘09, Eric Beckham ‘10, Jacob Robinson ‘11, John Claybrook ‘13, and Reid Joseph ‘14.

Darth Benigno has set up a strong strategy, but it will be up to voters to decide if the fate of the Empire will be left to the Dark Side or the Light this election season.

-Honey Bear

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,705 other followers

%d bloggers like this: