Student Asked to Remove Thinking Cap in MSC

The Flag Room in the MSC lost its studying allure after several students were asked to leave for disrespecting tradition. Last night, junior Griffin Bronson donned his invisible thinking cap to study for his PHYS 218 midterm but was promptly accosted by the self-proclaimed tradition guard, Andrew Portsmith.

The exchange became heated minutes later, when Portsmith told Bronson he was violating the sacred honor of the Memorial Student Center. Bronson was confused and became belligerent when Portsmith forced the issue.

“What are you talking about, dude?” said Bronson. “This is friggin stupid. Frick!”

Witnesses reported that Portsmith was patrolling the MSC, as he does every Monday night in his traditional tradition guard uniform — cargo shorts and a bonfire t-shirt.  For just the third time this semester, he spotted an open disregard for tradition and honor when Bronson and his friends put on their thinking caps.

Portsmith, an avid adherent of the law, decided to take it upon himself to inform the group that any head covering other than religious garments were prohibited.

Bronson reportedly motioned to the top of his head to “remove” the cap, but Portsmith did not believe that he had actually removed it. After violently swiping the air in hopes of knocking it off, Portsmith insisted that the group leave before he was forced to contact the Honor Council.

“I’m just glad I was there,” Portsmith told the Mugdown. “This New Army stuff has gone too far. What’s next? People responding ‘good’ to Howdy?”

-Commons Lobbyist

Sorority Test Bank Leaked, Comm Department Reeling

Texas A&M’s Department of Communication was rocked yesterday when the test bank held in the Delta Gamma sorority house was leaked to the public.

Delta Gamma has proudly acknowledged the existence of this test bank for many years, lauding it as a definite mark in DG’s favor during the tense decision time that is Sorority Recruitment.

The bank, which contained tests and papers for nearly every Comm class on A&M’s campus, was apparently loaned out by a new addition to the Delta Gamma family. Freshman Communication major Sara Hearths volunteered to share a select number of the tests with her first ever study group, but before she knew it, almost all of the tests had been copied.

“I didn’t expect them to take advantage of me so quickly,” Hearths said, tears filling her eyes as she remembered the situation.

Some of Hearths’ sisters witnessed the event, drawn by the noise of students greedily yelling out test questions and snatching the exams from each other. They compared the other students’ incredibly vicious attempts to get all of the answers for their college careers to a feeding frenzy filled with curiously blonde and perfumed sharks or a stampede of oversized t-shirt wearing wildebeest. Fights involving hair pulling broke out over the exams for Comm 357, which many of the students had heard was particularly challenging.

Alyssa Gooding, a Communications graduate student who works closely with professors in the Comm department, was disgusted by the leak.

“Aggies shouldn’t do this. It’s just not right,” Gooding said, eloquently expressing her distaste with the skills she learned through her communications degree.

“But what I find most despicable is the lack of respect for tradition. Some of these tests have been used for decades. If that’s not proof of the strength of Aggie traditions, I don’t know what is,” Gooding said.

Gooding explained that she feels bad for the professors who will now have to rewrite their exams, some for the first time since the university allowed women to become students in the early 1970s.

None of the Comm professors were available for comment, as they were busy reading the books from which they already teach.

-Revelicious

The 14 Best Aggie Halloween Costumes

Sexy Reveille
Requires: Dog ears, fur trimmed dress, maroon or white shawl (optional), and an open invitation for people to call you a b**** all night.
Reveille CostumeBonus for Couples: bring your handler and see how many interpret the costume as a statement on gender roles.

Sexy Corps Cadet
Requires: a sexy military uniform, or just a normal military uniform with less buttons as the night goes on.
Corps Cadet CostumeBonus for Class of 2015: wear your Senior Gogo Boots.

Sexy Yell Leader
Requires: a white jumpsuit and your skimpiest 12th Man Towel.
Yell Leader CostumeBonus: manage to turn a few yells into part of a drunk dance.

Sexy Loftin
Requires: a maroon bow tie, fake glasses, and a fake mustache . . . or a real one. Y’know, if you can grow one.
Loftin CostumeBonus: get someone to kiss you with your fake mustache on.

Sexy Sully
Requires: a fake beard and a literal ton of bodypaint.
Sully CostumeBonus: break even on the cost of the costume from all the pennies you get throughout the night.

Sexy Roughneck
Requires: even more body paint than Sully, high lace-up boots, construction helmet, and a chain to get creative with.
Roughneck CostumeBonus: stripper moves will guarantee that pretty much everyone who recognizes your costume buys you a drink…or at least sticks a few singles in your waistband.

Sexy Beutel Nurse
Requires: not much really. Just reuse your sexy nurse costume from last year, except this time with either a homemade Beutel sign or nametag. Don’t worry, if anyone asks for medical help, prescribe ice and rest.
Beutel NurseBonus: take a shot every time someone thinks you’re a sexy Ebola nurse.
Double Bonus: bring a pack of cigarettes to smoke on all your breaks.

Sexy Century Tree
Requires: I dunno. Just like some twigs and leaves you can pick up staggering around Northgate. You can just say it’s an Eve costume until you find enough.
Century Tree CostumeBonus: any hookups end in marriage.

Sexy Aggie Squirrel
Requires: fake ears, fake tail, matching dress, and an erratic personality.
Aggie Squirrel CostumeBonus: spend the evening making cracking various nut-related puns.
Double Bonus: find Sexy Century Tree and become best friends.

Sexy 12th Man Towel
Requires: large white towel and a few maroon markers.
12th Man CostumeBonus Points: add a Karate Kid shower costume to complete the look.

Sexy NG Ratchet
Requires: your usual NG attire but with even lower standards
NG Ratchet CostumeBonus: send pictures to all of your friends on SnapChat.

Sexy UPD Officer
Requires: sexy police officer uniform (available at literally any store this time of year) and a pair of handcuffs.
UPD CostumeBonus: ride a segway giving out fake tickets all night to Sexy NG Ratchet (there is a chance that more than one person will pick that costume).

Sexy Rapping Professor
Requires: Bose headphones and a water bottle.
Rapping Professor CostumeBonus: actually rap.

Sexy A&M Offense
Be the tease you are and never actually show up.

-Honey Bear

Senator Caught with Corps Escort

Senator Matt Gee is rising in popularity…but not in the election polls.

Senator Gee, in his first term as a Senator in the Off Campus caucus, was caught this past week in public with a Corps escort.

The Corps of Cadets operates an escort service providing members of the Corps to accompany lonely patrons around campus. The number is surprisingly accessible to all students and can be found on the back of every student ID card.

“I don’t understand why this is such a big deal…he simply walked me to Koldus,” Senator Gee said. “That was it. Nothing more.”

We think there is something more. Late last night, we received correspondence from another Student Senator confirming the rumors to not only be true, but worse than we first believed.

“Yeah, he calls the escort service all the time,” our anonymous source revealed. “He even has a burner phone just for those special calls.” When asked how he learned this information, the anonymous source muttered something about a missing cowboy hat and hung up the phone.

Corps 2

Mugdown asked Senator Gee how he thinks this will affect his chances to win in the midterm elections.

“We don’t have midterms here…” Senator Gee said.

Sounds like a defeated candidate to us. Senator Gee says he will continue to enjoy the escort service as normal and suggests all students to give it a try at least once.

“Nothing quite like having binders full of Cadets!”

-Sbisa Cookie

EAT, or DIE.
Join, or Die

Waffles (and a Wedding Ring) for Ags

Instead of the usual slurring of “Let’s go to Fuego!” or drunk girls screaming “Oh my gosh, this is my song!”, students may be hearing a new phrase on Northgate thanks to sophomore Biology major Ashley Smith.

In a town where the only late night bites include the ever popular Fuego, Taco Cabana or McDonald’s, Smith believed that something had to be done to bring the staple 24 hour, 7 days a week, open on all holidays Waffle House to College Station.

“Some of my fondest memories have been made in the horribly cleaned booths of a sketchy Waffle House at odd hours in the morning. Some of these experiences I do not remember, I’ll admit it,” said Smith. “But I do know that my All Star Special with scrambled eggs, a regular waffle, biscuits and gravy, sausage and a chocolate milk with water on the side is a staple in my late night diet, no matter how much regret I feel in the morning. And I knew that I needed to bring it to College Station.”

After spending “what seemed like hours” researching how to bring Waffle House to College Station, Smith figured out exactly how to do just that.

“In case you were unaware, which I’m sure you were, you cannot just decide to make a Waffle House. A current franchise owner is the only person who can create a new Waffle House. So I did what I had to do and found an owner and married the guy, making him promise to open a Waffle House in College Station.” said Smith. The nuptials were held over Spring break, including an open bar, a Fuego queso fountain and a Waffle House breakfast buffet for all.

The Waffle House will be built near the intersection of College Avenue and University Drive. Smith is unsure how this arrangement will work out due to the proximity of IHOP, but promises that “a drunk stomach prefers Waffle House to IHOP any day.”

Plans are in review to create a statue to forever memorialize the Aggieland deity for her hard work and sacrifice to bring consistently mediocre waffles to Ags.

-Marco Ovo Queso Polo

 

THE MUGDOWN TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of the Bye Week

The Blue Bell Factory in Brenham has had record sales this week due to Aggies “coping with” their emotions over the end of our short reign as a football dynasty. I guess you could say it has been a Rocky Road for A&M fans this year.

But hey, don’t listen to the haters, pay no attention to the rankings – those are what mean girls who lack confidence do to make themselves feel better.

You don’t have to break up with the team to have an excuse to give yourself a personal day. You don’t even have to take time off; bye week is built in there for you. Go to the spa, get your nails done, they’re probably bitten down to the quick after watching some of the games from this season.

We know Good Bull Hunting’s nails are gone. That’s why they needed someone to step up as they spend the next week and a half in tears. They needed someone who thrives on negative emotion, who positively rejoices when things have gone to hell. They needed professionals. They needed … THE MUGDOWN. And now, without further ado, The Mugdown is proud to present this week’s issue of THE TAILGATE.

Mugdown Tailgate Header

The Battle for Walton Hill

2:31 a.m., Saturday February 8th

It was a cold, peaceful night on the Northside of campus as the Walton Warriors were resting soundly after a long Friday of guarding their precious Walton Hill. However, in only a few minutes, the Battle for Walton Hill would take place. Armed with a nerf-gun in one hand and a 12th Man towel in the other, the Southside Syndicates would soon assault Walton Hill for a battle that was surely to be remembered for at least that weekend.

With the four nations of Dunn, Krueger, Mosher, and Aston united under the Commons Pact of 1997, they were certain to conquer Walton Hill that night. The air was thin and the stench of Northgate could be smelled from a mile away. The plan was simple: Dunn would be recon at All-Faiths Chapel, providing the other three nations with intel. Krueger would be at the front lines with a direct assault coming from Military Walk. Mosher would soon flank from Sbisa Dining Hall, while Aston would be stationed near Schuhmacher Hall to prevent any reinforcements. The horn blew, and the attack began.

The Walton Warriors woke immediately and were reaching their “Holy Barbeque Grill” just as Krueger was stepping onto the base of Walton Hill. Walton knew that this was quite possibly the biggest battle of its life. All their determination and patience in guarding the hill for hours a day would be tested. Knowing that reinforcements from other Northside halls was unlikely, it was a job only Walton could handle. Through their provocative and profanity-heavy yells, they began to demoralize and offend the Krueger troops, eventually causing retreat. However, the flank of Mosher hit swift and true.

The Walton Warriors were failing. Their commander, junior Ag Leadership major Rob Johnson, used his vast knowledge of military leadership skills to boost Walton’s morale, but it was useless. Mosher had already taken over the hill with Aston troops moving in to secure the victory.

Commander Rob Johnson died that night. His finals words were short, but urgent. Before breathing his last, Johnson softly whispered to freshman Chad Rogers, “You must ... retake ... the hill, they cannot ... learn our ... sec-...”.

Johnson was dead. A sea of Walton residents looked on, outfitted in their traditional attire: Cargo shorts and too-small t-shirts. The Southside Syndicates took the hill that night, but nobody knows of Freshman Chad Rogers’ location. Anonymous sources state that he is planning to retake Walton Hill, but we may never know due to a lack of interest in the hill by practically everyone.

-Duncan Dough
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