From Holick’s to Hunter

When it rains in College Station, it pours. With the midseason decline of Aggie Football, the tears of A&M fans align with the seasonal monsoons in B/CS. The inadequate draining on campus causes puddles and small rivers to form, creating swamps in certain areas. This poses a unique problem for Corps Seniors.

Handcrafted leather boots have traditionally been one of the few perks of being a cadet. Since their inception, the boots have been manufactured at Holick’s, a local business, for over 100 years. In order to meet the changing atmosphere and feedback from senior cadets, a new tradition has been forged.

On Friday, the Commandant, Brigadier General Joe Ramirez, posted on Facebook a detailed post that will usher in a new era of cadet footwear. To justify this change in tradition, General Ramirez stated, “For the past years, we have had countless cadets ruin their boots due to the bad weather conditions that frequent this campus year round. To combat these conditions, we will be adopting a new style of boot for our seniors. Beginning this Spring, all seniors will wear Hunter rain boots year round.”

Hunter Boots Ltd will be able to provide cadets with a variety of colors. This will allow greater diversity and individuality amongst the corps and fill campus with a rainbow of colored boot/khaki ensembles. The style of boot will remain the same for every senior to ensure that a degree of uniformity still exists amongst their ranks.

The switch of footwear also targets the Corps’ goal of stronger ties with the Greek community – demonstrating a desire to share fashion and values. In addition, the Corps is exploring plans to replace their current trench coats with monogrammed Charles River jackets.

Will Leonard, a senior Food Science major, said “I wholeheartedly agree with the decision of the Commandant and the direction the Corps is moving towards. The practicality and style are an unbeatable combination.”

Leonard abruptly left, pumpkin spice latte in hand, after seeing a group of Gamma Phi’s walk by in Hunter boots. He chased after them, saying something about a “ring by spring” and “first deck tickets.”


– Come and Bake it and Netflix & Drill


Myers Gigs: Find Your Aggie Personality

-5K for Yell

Mugdown Lowdown: How to Spend $4 Billion


Mugdown Lowdown: How to Spend $4 Billion


Last week, President Young announced a new plan to raise $4 billion over the next five years for world-changing projects. After the university spent the first million dollars on a large card stunt at Kyle Field, they reached out to The Mugdown for new ideas. To help the administration find ways to spend all that cash, we put $4 billion into perspective.

*Not to scale. This is a satirical organization, not a statistics company people.*

-Marco OVO Queso Polo and Commons Lobbyist

Pros & Cons of Campus Carry

Texas State Legislators recently passed a bill requiring state universities to implement policies allowing concealed carry of firearms on their campuses. Some viewed the decision positively as a defense of individual rights and deterrent to crime, while others expressed concerns that the decision will only increase danger and tarnish the learning environment. Here are some arguments for and against allowing concealed carry on the Texas A&M campus.




  • “…It’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose.” – Dwight Schrute
  • Don’t have to return underwear with built in gun holsters anymore.
  • Can finally remind professors you might be currently armed while discussing grades without fearing repercussions.
  • Everyone who buys a gun always knows proper upkeep for the weapon and how to operate it safely.
  • Opens market for new tastefully colored handguns that will look great next to pepper spray canisters on everyone’s keychains.
  • That punk from chemistry lab will definitely think twice before being a dick to you now.
  • Can fulfill childhood dream of telling University Police you “already took care of it” by the time they rush to a crime scene.
  • How else will Dave find the self-confidence that only comes from having a weapon on him at all times?
  • Consistent reports from UPD on twitter of stolen bikes and computers have gotten mundane and boring; tweets could benefit from the excitement of a stolen gun.
  • Faith in state politics restored knowing that this law was definitely passed to reflect the genuine interests of college students and not to make a political statement.




  • Years spent training in martial arts is now a waste
  • Lost an essential barrier for keeping deranged shooters from being able to bring their guns with them onto campus.
  • Exercising concealed carry off campus won’t be as special anymore.
  • Will miss hearing the grumblings of conservatives about infringing on their 2nd Amendment rights.
  • Potential shooters typically prefer targeting areas where the victims might be able to fight back.
  • Bringing other weapons like knives on campus won’t have the shock value it once had.
  • Would really rather not feel indebted to that jerk Scott if he ends up saving your life.
  • Allowing self defense is pretty unnecessary considering law enforcement are well known for prompt response times. The shooter will probably only be halfway through his super villain speech when the cops show up and apprehend him before he can hurt anyone.
  • Thrill of having to break the law when bringing guns to campus just won’t be the same anymore.
  • Handguns just don’t look as good on key chains as pepper spray canisters.



How to Reduce Overcrowding

The Mugdown Solves Overcrowding

Texas A&M University currently has over 59,000 students enrolled at its College Station campus, a number which will continue to grow with each coming year. Many students and faculty have voiced concerns over the amount of people on campus each day, suggesting that the crowded university may be at capacity. The Mugdown, champion of positive campus life change, has compiled the following list of suggestions for how the university could best address the issue of overcrowding.

  • Host seminars to educate students on the benefits of skipping class.
  • Make campus even uglier so that fewer people will want to hang around between classes (see next suggestion).
  • Cut down all of those pesky trees that take up so much space.
  • Place armed guards around academic seals on campus to eliminate the risk of students accidentally walking across a seal and having to stay at A&M even longer.
  • Remind students that they can probably get lecture notes from their friends anyway.
  • Put a spin on the “overcrowded” label by suggesting that the growth of the population has just made it more apparent how “close knit” the Aggie Family™  is through unavoidable close proximity to one another.
  • Encourage each member of student body to pledge losing at least 10 pounds so that the collective A&M population will take up less space.
  • Seriously, please skip your classes. You’ll probably learn more on your own anyway.
  • Move toward a “24/7” school week, scheduling classes for nights and weekends to spread out campus traffic.
  • Increase the price of the currently inexpensive parking passes, then offer price reductions for those who agree to carpool.
  • Encourage the use of tandem bicycles.
  • Raise tuition every 10 months to discourage higher education
  • Increase the number of counselors on staff to prepare for the widespread anxiety caused by large crowds.
  • Require every engineering class to assign a group project in which students must come up with solutions to overcrowding for “some hypothetical college that has like 60,000 students”, complete with estimated costs, and see what they come up with.
  • Awaken the competitive spirit within the student body by reminding them that A&M currently ranks an embarrassing 4th place for largest university in the country and that we should not settle for anything but 1st place.
  • Build new campus identical to the current one next door, complete with another Kyle Field, and give students the option to attend either one.


We briefly tossed around the concept of having the university accept fewer students in future admission cycles, but we quickly dismissed that absurd idea. The student body would never support that, and there would be no headlines of Texas A&M breaking another record if that were the case.



Super Senior Assisted Living Opening on West Campus

Student Counseling Services recently announced plans for an on-campus assisted living center for super seniors. Maggie Gartner, Executive Director of Student Counseling Services, has said that they hope to reach out to this particular group of students who have apparently completely lost their grip on reality.

“We find so many of these poor students getting lost on their everyday commutes,” Gartner said. “They will, for example, leave to grab some lunch, only to be found wandering around Northside hours later muttering about a restaurant called ‘Bernie’s’. It has become clear to us that these students can no longer function on their own.”

  Gartner has spent the last year studying super seniors in order to best cater to their needs and pinpoint where their general sense of hopelessness and disillusionment originates.

“The first thing we needed to address was their diet. It’s disgusting how much pizza these kids eat. Campus food is only designed to be eaten for four years maximum— any longer and it can be lethal,” Gartner said. “The Super Senior Living Assistance Center, or SSLAC, will include a Luby’s restaurant so these students can choose meals that are easier on their old bodies.” 

Super seniors were also observed convulsing in fits of rage at the sound of the sophomore wildcat, so student workers at the SSLAC must be at least juniors. This decision was met very favorably by super senior focus groups.

“I hate underclassmen,” said Kyle Gravesend, a 5th-year mechanical engineering student. “Look at them, all happy and carefree. They haven’t been broken yet. Soon. Soon they will experience the overwhelming despair of being left behind in life as your peers leave you in this pit of agony that they call college. Can you believe Steve got a job with Boeing? Sure, he’s got a better GPA than me, but I’m way more of a people person…”

When asked what they thought of the SSLAC, super seniors expressed overwhelming apathy for the program, much like they do with everything in their lives.

“I mean, it sounds nice,” said Maria Niemeyer, a 5th-year biomedical sciences major. “But I don’t think anything can fill this void inside me.”

-War Hymnal

Tuition Hearing Becomes Auction for Highest Bid

Last week, Texas A&M’s most anticipated event of the fall semester finally took place: the Designated Tuition hearings, which propose tuition changes for the next academic year. For two days only, Rudder 301 and 601 became hot spots for student activity and passion.

“Whenever I get emails from the university about events, I always make sure and immediately put them in my planner,” said Ryan Polk, junior Supply Chain major. “University events always enrich my life and tuition hearings are no exception, especially when leaders like the Board of Regents are looking out for us.”

The tuition hearings were expected to completely fill the rooms and both evening sessions saw a packed crowd. Officials invited John Korrey, famous livestock auctioneer, to direct the proceedings.

“We were lucky that John had an opening in his schedule. With his finesse at handling rapid, meteoric rise in prices, the university assured that we were giving our students the best education for the most inflated price,” stated Jerry R. Strawser, Vice President and Chief Financial Officer.

Bidding for 2016-2017 tuition at both sessions started at $4,500/semester. The price quickly rose as automated dummies wearing “I Love Board of Regents” shirts strived to outbid each other. Spectators noted that the environment was tense and charged, with the students acting as fervent as Fish Camp counselors professing undying love for their camp session.

Tuition Hike

“I was on a huge adrenaline rush,” said Bailey Kring, a senior Electrical Engineering major who was a spectator of the first session. “I really believe that increasing our tuition will correlate to an increase in education quality. I don’t mind paying more, especially if there’s the chance that my department will hire professors that can actually explain their material.”

Strawser was pleased with the outcome of the two sessions, saying, “The 20 dummies – I mean students –  that actually attended, out of 65,000 total, really represented student opinion.The Aggies demonstrated how they are engaged with their future and how they can appreciate the odd, and at many times illogical, executive decisions that seem counterintuitive to improving the student experience.”

At press time, a 2.2% tuition hike was proposed for the 2016-2017 year, increasing baseline tuition by at least $265 and adding another semesterly fee for feeding the cats outside of Heldenfels. The tuition increase is only expected to affect incoming freshman, transfer students, graduate students, and students with vowels in their names.


-Come and Bake It

No Study November

With “No Shave November” joyfully upon us, some less ambitious students have finally coined a term for a tradition derived from this mentality. “No Study November” has officially taken off as of November 1, 2015. The practice of #NSN can be witnessed all over campus, but most notably in the common areas of dorms or the MSC. Hoards of students pile into buildings under the pretense of learning. However, mostly they are listening to music or watching “Parks and Rec” on their computer screens.

This movement among students dates back to Ol’ Army and Pinky Downs ‘06, and his infamous slogan, “Down with knowledge.” That phrase may have been misinterpreted over the years, but its truth rings true today for many drained Aggies.

“I didn’t even know I was a vital part of such a bold stance,” said junior engineering major Allan Johnson. “I have been doing this for years and am thrilled to know that I have cohorts in my endeavor. I am proud to join in on a lesser known, yet time-honored tradition that is bigger than myself.”

Unfortunately, many incoming students are already beginning to confuse the tradition with their New Student Conferences. NSC and NSN is too close for comfort for many of the new students joining Class of 2020. The university is expecting an upward of 2,000 bewildered future Aggies to be meandering around campus this fall searching for their NSN. They will be met with Netflix subscriptions and vintage Baja hoodies.


-Metta World Pizza

Hot Beefcake Loses His Mojo

With another year comes another chance at love; another opportunity to put your pull game to the test. For a certain Brandon Huff, however, lady luck has taken a sudden turn for the worse.

“Yeah, I don’t know what it is….back in H-town I had mad game. I was scoring hard 10s every other night,” Huff said. “I was drowning – but, but now…this is a drought of the likes of which I’ve never seen”

Exactly how and when Huff lost his mojo is unclear, but signs of trouble began appearing as early as last week. “I knew something was off when I stopped wearing tanks and objectifying women, but I remained hopeful – perhaps naively so.”

Even a solid post-workout pump, once a staple of Huff’s routine, has done nothing to further his chances with the opposite sex, and has wholly crushed his ego.

“I’m ashamed to admit this, but in class the other day, I asked for a girl’s number so we could study together. And I actually meant it,” said Huff.

With his lackluster love life, Huff has turned his attention to his Sports Management degree and is now realizing that this, too, has very little chance of success. All in all, things are not going so well for the former hottie whose spiral into depression has caused him to gain some unwanted pounds. He is on the verge of losing his regulation beefcake status, being demoted to just a lowly stud muffin.

Huff was last seen moping around campus in Charlie Brown fashion – just a shadow of the man he once was. Have you seen his mojo?

-Plug Down for Watt

The Haunting of Cain Hall

An official statement by the University cites both  the overcrowded Student Services office and unmet game day needs as reasons for the demolition of Cain Hall. The President’s office shared that a parking garage, hotel, skywalk to Kyle Field, and new spaces for Student Services will form the new Cain Hall Complex. The rapid closure of Cain caught many Aggies off-guard, and many feel that the closure should more appropriately be deemed an evacuation.

Employees that once occupied Cain point to the spotty wi-fi as the first sign that something was amiss, as TAMUlink-WPA is usually incredibly consistent and strong. Soon, the employees noticed dead zones in which communication with the outside was impossible. Students attending counselling complained of hallways so cold they could see their breath. These were the only warning signs before the hauntings began. After spending some time in the building, its occupants began to hear eerie moans and see ghostly apparitions.

“Cain’s proximity to Reveille’s graves after their relocation for the Kyle Field renovation make it obvious who is responsible,” said former handler Ryan Kreider. “You can’t upset the dead like that.” Other students believe it is the long deceased Spirit of Old Army. Many Student Services counselors say it is the ghosts of students who have been banished from the university.

Before resolving to demolish the building, interim president Mark A. Hussey tried everything he could to save the area. He called in Fr. David Konderla, the priest of the local Catholic church, St. Mary’s, to bless the building. Yell Leaders led their most secretive and scariest yells, including “Finals Week” and “MGMT 211,” in order to frighten away the spirits. Even Parson’s Mounted Cavalry came to fire salt rounds within the building to dissipate the ghosts, to no avail.

Despite a strong stance against hazing, the administration made an extreme exception, calling upon a fraternity to send forth its most daring members. Four pledges dressed as Ghostbusters entered the building to exorcise its inhabitants.

Garrett Matthewson, a pledge in Kappa Alpha Order, said, “It was the most horrifying experience of my life. I thought it was going to be as harmless as all the other hazing, but no. I’m going to have to go all the way to White Creek to talk about what I witnessed in there.”

In an attempt to twist a negative into a positive, the university considered turning Cain Hall into the “Haunted 12thMansion,” since buildings only used during certain seasons each year seem to be the most profitable. Instead, administrators determined that the more logical route would be an expensive overhaul to enhance the school’s most important Student Service: Game Day.

– Corpus Escort and Netflix & Drill

Ghost of Reveilles Past

As classes wear on and grades turn spooky,  College Station prepares for Halloween and reports of mysterious noises and occurrences near Reveille’s grave have been spreading.  The recent renovation and construction of Kyle Field has disturbed the grave. In fact, some tales claim that The Zone at the North end of Kyle is built upon. . .  a pet cemetery.

Billy Jones, a construction worker who worked at the site, believes that all the demolition, hammering, and drilling may have disturbed the cemetery of the past Revs.  

“Missing supplies, machines operating by themselves, and eerie noises were common around those graves,” said Jones.  Jones warned his supervisors of the encounters but no one listened.  He fears now that the ol’ spirits themselves are now haunting the area.

Wednesday night, Grant Middlebury, a pre-med biological engineer major, was making his way back to his car after a long night of studying at the library when he heard a hushed growling. Suddenly, his books seemed to be ripped out of his hands from below.  

“I felt like I was being hunted or herded by some unseen animal,” said Middlebury.  He came out unscathed except for a few emotional scars and slobbery biochemistry notes.  Middlebury said he didn’t think his professor would believe him that a ghost-dog ate his homework.

As the events continue no one is safe, we advise being on guard around The Zone.


-Century Tree Harmony

DIY TRICK or Treat, but mostly Trick

Alright Ags, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. The best part of Halloween is not pretending to be someone new for a night; no judgement here, even if you are the slutty campus squirrel. Here is the spooky, secrety secret you have all been dying to hear- the greatest thing about Halloween is pranking the ever livin’, ever lovin’, compound, complex hell outta your friends and random innocent strangers.

With that being said, here is your go-to guide of simple “tricks” the whole Aggie Family will enjoy.

  1. Drop a pumpkin on your friend’s windshield.

Pumpkin SmashStep 1: Drive your own car to a pumpkin patch.

Step 2. Take basic photos in the patch with your greatest pals.

Step 3: Post said photos on insta with the tag, #justprankythings.

Step 4: Buy a pumpkin and throw it on your best- or least-liked friend’s windshield.

Step 5: Make sure there is a nice huge crack in it. If there is not, try this technique until a crack appears.

Haha. Funny. Everyone has a good laugh.


  1. Pull the fire alarm in the MSC in your favorite costume.
Rev's Costume
Credit: TAMU Campus Tour (of terror)

Step 1: Buy a costume that will ensure your identity is kept secret. Some ideas may include (but are not limited to) a crayon or E. King Gill.

Step 2: Get a personal fitness trainer at the Rec to teach you the perfect sprint technique.

Step 3: Put on costume and run into the Memorial Student Center with your newfound athleticism, pull the alarm, and get out.

Step 4: Avoid the segway AND bike cops. They may have wheels, but your training at the Rec will be of utmost importance here in avoiding a lifetime of orange jumpsuits.


  1. Release hundreds of spiders in your friend’s car air vents.

SpiderzStep 1: Get a spider guy. Or man, whichever you prefer.

Step 2: Dress in all black and sneakily swipe your friend’s car keys.

Step 3: In the dead of night, ninja roll to the car and unleash the cute little critters.

Step 4: Make sure they are driving when their fun new friends make an appearance.

Haha how spooky.


  1. Remove your friend as a student at Texas A&M

HackerzStep 1: Get your pal’s UIN.

Step 2: Log into their Howdy portal. The honor code is just a strong suggestion.

Step 3: Go to their ‘Record’ and drop them from Texas A&M.

Bing bang boom. They’ll never see it coming. Y’all will have a good chuckle when they cannot return in the spring.


  1. Not-So-Invisible Ink Trick

InkzThis is a great one for strangers and is cost-friendly too! All you will need is a jar of defective invisible ink and the Wehner High dress uniform.

Step 1: Find stranger in business brofessional. Helpful Spooky Hint: Try this in Wehner. People usually dress up there for no apparent reason.

Step 2: Make sure you are inconspicuous in your Wehner apparel as well, which conveniently transforms into your NG outfit for later.

Step 3: Once you have found a target, approach said individual with the determination of Lady Rev as she runs across the field before each game. All hail the queen. Make sure your jar of ink is open and ready to go.

Step 4: Throw the ink and blend into the chaos that is walking in Wehner. No one knows up from down in that sea of pant-suited people so just act confused.


  1. Become a Vampire
Credit: TAMU Campus Tour (of terror)

Step 1: Go to the Rec.

Step 2: Get bit by a bat.

Step 3: Do not attend to it and get rabies.

Lesser known fact- the final phase of rabies is transforming into a vampire.

Bam, no more garlic for you and you’re a scary Edward for Halloween.


There ya have it, Ags- go and Trick O’ Treat Yo’self to some good old fashioned shenanigans this Halloween.


-Metta World Pizza

Too Many Students Says 6th Year Senior

Overcrowding at Texas A&M has been taking a toll. Students can no longer comfortably register for classes or park in Lot 100, and worst of all it is nearly impossible to sit alone in campus dining facilities. Students blame the administration for bringing in larger and larger freshman classes with initiatives like Blinn Team and 25 x 25.

One senior has risen from simply complaining about the situation and is now taking matters into his own hands. Collin Barth, a sixth-year Ag Leadership and Development major is tired of campus being packed with so many students. He has been an Aggie his entire life,  born to the tune of the Aggie War Hymn and he only applied to the University of Texas as a joke.

“My love for this university has driven my desire to save this campus from overpopulation. There are simply too many underclassmen at this university and the number is only growing every year- people need to leave,” said Barth. “When I began my education here there was plenty of room to hump it at football games. Now I almost have to hump those around me just to participate in a yell.”  

Barth can be found protesting in Rudder Plaza between classes, holding signs such as “A&M GIVE US ROOM” and “OLD ARMY IS DEAD.”

“I don’t think we are the problem at all. It’s those Liberal Arts and Business Majors who take forever to graduate that cause overcrowding,” said Freshman Engineering major Amy Maddox. “I mean, everyone can understand super senior engineering majors. Our degree is just so much more challenging that we can’t finish in four years.”

“Statistically, seniors- especially those taking their time- make up the smallest portion of students. Freshman and sophomores make up the bulk of the undergraduate population and culling their numbers would provide a benefit to the entire student body,”  said Barth.

Barth himself is making a sacrifice and missing class to ensure his message is spread. He is so dedicated in fact, that now he must stay for a seventh year to make up for being set back with the protest.


—Netflix & Drill


Letter to the Editor: Where are the Gay People At?

Dear Editor,

Hey, Mugdown. I was just wondering… where are all the gay people at? I mean, not that I’m gay or anything. I’m not interested in guys or anything, but I would like to know how to connect with one. I keep going to Halo, but I can’t even find any gay people there!

And I know what you all are thinking: “Oh, this guy wants a boyfriend,” but you have me all wrong. I’m just concerned that maybe other people might want one, you know? There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with seeing a total hunk and going, “Man, wouldn’t that be hot if he took off his shirt.”  I mean, if he’s got a six pack, he should share that- I wouldn’t mind.

I mean, think about it. We’ve never had a gay pride parade, and I think some people would really like to see a bunch of strong, sweaty men struttin’ down University. I wouldn’t mind. Nothing bothers me when I watch videos of oily men wrestling each other, or when I see a cute guy in lab and think, “Man, I wish he was my partner.” Or like Top Gun? How disappointing is it when you go to the volleyball court and there are only girls. No shirtless guys? What about the Corps? Don’t they have a shirtless volleyball league or something like that? It just makes me so upset, for anyone who’s gay, that is.

Also, I think campus would really benefit from some diversity. I used to know some racist kids in middle school, I wasn’t one of them, but I mean I laughed at their jokes sometimes. But once I came to A&M and met my black friend, I didn’t find that stuff funny anymore, and that’s my point! Maybe if we had some more gay friends, we would get along better with them.

Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. I have to get back to my wrestling videos now.

Thanks and giggles,

Normal straight guy ‘18

Sorority Adopts New Ritual for Ring Pass

Perhaps the oldest and most unique tradition the members of any sorority will experience is “Ring Pass”. This ceremony is traditionally held when a sister in the chapter gets engaged, and it serves as a time to share in the excitement and joy that comes with finding one’s soulmate.

Recently, a special ritual has been added to modernize this sacred tradition. When a sister and her new boy begin “talking,” there will now be a phone pass, allowing 200 of her closest friends to extensively analyze what each “lol” and emoji could mean for the potential relationship.

This ritual provides each sister with the opportunity to provide their own insightful interpretation of the seemingly very personal text thread. From the time it takes for the significant other to respond, to how many exclamation marks he used, every member can work to defend the bond of sisterhood.

Courtney Fanning, an active member of Delta Gamma, has seen a lot of improvements since the new ritual has been enacted.

“I was able to help my pledge class sister out,” Fanning said.  “She didn’t even realize that when a guy texted her and asked her to work on homework together, it meant he was totally into her and wanted to take their relationship to the next level. It was a total DTR.”

In Ol’ Army days, the ring pass ritual included several phases to make very clear exactly what was going on in each girl’s romantic relationships.

Phase 1: Letters – The male in the relationship gives corresponding sorority girl his letters to wear in the form of a T-shirt or Lavalier.

Phase 2: Pinning – This phase symbolizes a relationship is “going steady”. The male will “pin” his newly acquired girlfriend with his fraternity crest. This pin will later be passed around during the sorority pinning ceremony.

Phase 3: Ring Pass – This is the final phase, which signifies the completion of the “Ring by Spring” Initiative™. Once the sorority sister is given an engagement ring, there will be a chapter-wide ritual in which the engagement band will be circulated to each member, and all will hear the engagement story.

Sara Stockton, Director of Member Development, is spearheading the new tradition, now known as Phase 0.

“It was about time. All of those things were so outdated. Plus, guys these days communicate their feelings differently.”

This spring, the phone pass will be added for sororities across the nation to signify the first stages of the relationship. Who needs to be “going steady” when you can be “talking”?


-5K for Yell

Competitive Philanthropy Breaks into War

The campus is tense as November approaches. A battle has broken out into a gruesome and bloody scene as Texas A&M prepares for Chi Omega Songfest™. This event pairs men’s and women’s organizations from across campus to compete in an epic two-night show of choreographed dance, pep, and theatrics.

Chi O recently announced that if participating groups sell 300 Songfest shirts, they will be awarded extra points for the competition. This is critical, as winning Songfest is the sole factor in determining an organization’s worth. Samantha Bluth, Songfest Chair for Better Christian Aggies and Delta Nu, agrees that the importance of reaching this quota cannot be understated.

“When Chi Omega announced the opportunity for extra points, I knew I would do whatever it took to sell the shirts,” Bluth said. “I’ve already bought shirts for myself, my boyfriend, my parents, my roommates, and my academic advisor. If we look bad in this competition it affects our ranking on the row. Looking bad at Songfest ruins your reputation and affects your ability to function as a credible organization.”

The push to sell 300 shirts has started to affect friendships as well. Over 12 groups will participate in Songfest, meaning that close to 4,000 shirts should be sold. The A&M bubble can only hold so many involved students, therefore friends have become a battleground for those participating in songfest. Tommy Funke, a GDI and non-Songfest participator, says he has lost some friends from this tricky situation.

“I couldn’t keep track of all of the Facebook Event notifications,” Funke said. “Almost all of my friends are participating in Songfest and they each expect me to buy a shirt to support them.  I deactivated my Facebook account this week to avoid the drama of it all.”

As the battle ends and the smoke clears, one thing can be made clear. This is Songfest. Return with your shield or on it. Sell your shirts. Prepare for Glory!
-5K for Yell

A&M to Add Seventh Core Value: Involvement

Texas A&M prides itself on students exemplifying the University’s traditional six core values — Excellence, Integrity, Leadership, Loyalty, Respect, and Selfless Service. Wednesday morning, the Board of Regents made an important addition to this list— Involvement.

“Many of our students give top priority to participation in some of our 900+ student organizations, which is why we believe it is imperative to make this addition,” said Rusty Thompson, Director of Student Activities. “Campus involvement is just as important as academics, if not more so, and we believe our Core Values should reflect this important part of being an Aggie.”

The average student balances time between five to nine extra-curricular groups and generally takes a few classes on the side. Having everyone split into organized groups allows for greater unity as a student body. It has become routine on campus that the most effective and common way to initiate a conversation with a complete stranger is to boisterously exclaim, “HOWDY!”, proceed with your entire Aggie intro, and end with a detailed description of every single thing you have ever done in college. Aggies are eager to hear what other Aggies are up to, even if the explanation takes so much time you miss your next class.

“Obviously, involvement in student-run organizations outweighs our education; It is why we are here. Are you even an Aggie if you aren’t giving your time to saving all the orcas in captivity, five organizations, ending world hunger, studying abroad in Europe, and interning with Google this summer? ” said Jane Meyer, freshman honors engineering student. Meyer, along with All banner-holding students by the MSC and Wehner think not.  She recently joined a FLO and does not have a single regret about missing an entire week of courses writing her applications.

The seventh and most defining core value goes into effect immediately. Students are encouraged to carry resumes and wear their organization’s clothing at all times.


-Metta World Pizza

Corps of Cadets Unveils New PR Shirts

The Texas A&M Corps of Cadets announces it will begin selling PR shirts to make cadets more relatable.  Corps Staff Public Relations unveiled the design late Monday night and believes it will be a great and unique recruiting tool.


-5K for Yell

25×25 Plan Announced for College of Liberal Arts

The 2015-2016 school year has been off to a frustrating start, with overcrowded parking garages, students sitting on the floor in classrooms, and a surplus of competitive engineering students lining up in front of Evans at 5:00 a.m. hoping to get a table next to an outlet.

Juniors and Seniors have been increasingly frustrated, reminiscing on the ‘Good ‘ol Days’ when they could find an open tree to hang their hammock in. Everyone is beginning to blame overpopulation on the infamous “25×25” plan to increase engineering students to 25,000 by 2025.

As usual, the Texas A&M Board of Regents is listening carefully to the outcries of the student body and has come up with a plan to mitigate the risks of this dramatic engineering student increase.

“We are not willing to go back on our initial plan,” said a board member who prefers to stay anonymous.

She explained that their pride as the Board of Regents is fragile, and their pact to never compromise on a decision they have made public is preventing them from admitting the flaw in this plan. She did, however, reveal that they are working toward a compromise.

“After much deliberation,” she said, “We realized the solution was obvious.”

The board has chosen to put in place a new 25×25 plan that will decrease the number of Liberal Arts students to 25 by the year 2025.

After facing harsh criticism, they realized the answer was right in front of them all along. In order to increase the quality of the Engineering program, they will pump it full of unsure 18 year olds, and give Liberal Arts students small intimate classroom settings and access to resources, because they are generally less important.

“I can’t believe they didn’t think of it before,” said sophomore Civil Engineering student Alex Witt. “The inferiority of Liberal Arts students has been widely understood by every engineer on campus and this change will allow Liberal Arts students to understand their importance on this campus, while giving the more ambitious students a place to park our cars.”

The College of Liberal Arts has 12 departments, and the Board of Regents commented that they understand it is unreasonable to only admit two students to each major.

The administration plans to cut Political Science, English, Economics, International Studies, Psychology, Communication, and History starting in Fall 2017. This way, the University will only offer the more important Liberal Arts majors. Beginning in 2017, Hispanic Studies, Performance Studies, Philosophy, Sociology, and Anthropology will each include five students.


-Gigsaw Puzzle

MRS Grad Struggles to Find Work

With December graduation fast approaching, the class of 2015 waits with bated breath to make their way out into the real world. Some will be graduating with jobs, and two sets of rings. Others, however, are not so lucky.

Indeed, times are certainly tough for the MRS major. Unemployment rates have reached unprecedented levels over the years, and landing a rich, successful spouse come graduation is proving to be the exception, rather than the rule.

“You know, you get four, five, maybe even six years to find a match, and to think I wasted all this time and money…I just wish I had listened to my mother and switched to business,” said Lauren Wylie, soon to be graduated senior MRS major. “I had some options -Psychology, English, and Art majors mostly – but they could never support me like a man.”

As bad as things are for the female MRS graduates, they absolutely pale in comparison to their male counterparts. “I always knew this major would be difficult, but I never thought the job market would get this bad. When did being a doting, hot house-husband go out of style?” said junior MRS major Ed Rebar.

It seems that more and more students these days are focused on their careers rather than finding a significant other. Many of the statistically highest paying majors are entering the workforce painfully single.

“I’m just really focused on jumpstarting the career of my dreams, and having a partner could really jeopardize that. Lord knows I need some action, but not that bad,” said senior Computer Science major Raymond Laborde.

“I just think I would be too busy for a stay-at-home husband, but that Chad Gibson sure is dreamy…I’m sorry what was I saying?” said Angela Benson, a senior Mechanical Engineering major.

Despite data suggesting that this career-focused trend will continue, many students still flock to this attractive major with open arms and big dreams. Hopefully, things will improve for these hardworking students.  

– Plug Down for Watt

Students Auction Admission Offer for Profit

The application for admission into Texas A&M is currently open to the prospective class of 2020, and the admissions office has begun sending out its first batch of acceptance letters, expanding the Aggie Family to a size greater than ever before. The collective groans have been heard far and wide about the growing student population, and it’s not slowing down anytime soon.

Texas A&M is the place to be, but some are more willing to give up their opportunity to enroll than others.

“It is strange. We are not necessarily able pinpoint the issue, but we are seeing an unusual number of high school graduates choosing against A&M and going to another university in Texas.” said, Admissions Officer, Marvin Ortega.

Caitlin Greene, a Keller High School senior, was asked why she recently decided to defer her offer and enroll at Texas Tech instead.  “I knew some people who were willing to pay me for my spot on campus, some even above the university tuition face value. The price of one of those degrees is high enough as it is, but to each his own I guess.”

A quick search on Facebook and you’ll find an  ‘Aggie Admission Exchange’ group, which is made up of graduating seniors from across the country looking to buy and sell their way into enrollment.

Many current students are up in arms about the black market that has risen. “I think it’s dishonest. It’s Bad Bull to sell your enrollment here for anything higher than face value. That is not what good potential-Ags do,” said junior Poultry Science major Wiley Koenig.

In response to having their loyalty called into question, Lucas Ullman, a classmate of Greene, said, “I’m sure there are rules about these kinds of things, but hey, if someone is willing to buy, I’m willing to sell.”


Mugdown Staff

Organization Sees Spike in Participation When Calling App Process “Rush”

REBECCAS, an up and coming women’s organization with the unique goal of incorporating sisterhood, service, and philanthropy into a myriad of socials and theme parties, has made some recent changes to increase applicants, and therefore diversity (of costume ideas for mixers). Though the organization accepts all applicants who are female full-time students, the application process is now being called a “rush” for promotional purposes.

“We feel that calling it ‘rush’ makes the process seem more urgent and exclusive. Some more changes in our near future are hosting a 5k, a formal, and introducing a big-little program. Our main goal in all of these changes is to intensify our focus on sisterhood, and to bring more attention to our philanthropy,” said REBECCAS President Ryllie Belle.

This turned out to be a good call by Belle and her fellow REBECCAS, as they have seen a 30% increase in pledges since the change. “REBECCAS is everything I ever wanted in a sisterhood. We all love each other so much and have so much in common, that we are applying for funding to get a house that we can all live in together. It will be the first of its kind, and we are planning to call it our HORE House- Housing for Official Recreational Events, where we will both live and have all of our parties,” Vice President Callie “Sweetheart” Maggie said.

As the organization continues to expand in membership and campus influence, there are also rumors that they will be adding “-fest” to the name of every single one of their events to prove how truly fun and festival-like their 5Ks and dinner parties are. First up for the change is “Formalfest.”

When asked for any final comments on the evolution of this budding organization, Belle and Maggie both agreed that “It’s all for the glory of God, because John 3:16.”


-Panda Expressions


Texas A&M Student Files for Emancipation from Aggie Family

On Wednesday, Tom Roberts filed a petition for emancipation from the Aggie family. His petition was received by the Brazos County District Court, and a ruling is expected to be given within the next few weeks.

“I enrolled at Texas A&M because of its outstanding Engineering program and nationally recognized academics as well as athletics. I did not realize, however, that my acceptance came with an adoption into the ‘Aggie Family,’ which I have no desire to be a part of,” said Roberts, a sophomore chemical engineering major.

Some students, however, have expressed concern over Robert’s decision and question his motives regarding this choice.

“Why would he come to A&M if he didn’t want to be a part of the Aggie family?” asked Trisha Jones, junior communication major. “Isn’t that why everyone chooses to attend here? What is the point of this school without its accepting community and undying traditions?

Roberts, however, claims that he saw no indication of this stipulation anywhere during the application process.

Others have expressed outrage over Roberts’ action. One outspoken student and self-proclaimed authority on Aggie family membership had this to say about the decision: “You can’t just leave the Aggie family. Everyone at Texas A&M is a part of our family whether they like it or not. No one can opt out, but in rare cases, you can be forced out if you harm the sensibilities of the corps or yell leaders.”

Roberts has reportedly said that he intends to continue attending class, utilizing Texas A&M facilities, and generally living out his life as a normal college student. Roberts is confident that he can successfully graduate from this school, regardless of his Aggie family membership. When asked about the term “two percent,” Roberts said that he challenges such a statistic and feels as if there are well over 2,000 students of his kind.

“I know I am not alone in this,” Roberts said. “I guess from the outside looking in, you can’t understand it. And from the inside looking out, I can’t explain it.”

Riffety Raff


Freshman, Counselor Eager to Stop Hearing from Each Other

Over a month after the last Fish Camp session returned from Lakeview, counselors and freshmen are all wondering when they can finally go their separate ways. Megan Fischer, a freshman Finance major, is just hoping that her counselors will let her do college on her own.

“My ‘parents‘ kept asking me if I needed any help on my FLO applications,” Fischer said. “I mean I can appreciate them wanting to help, but they pretty much wanted to do my applications for me. It was a little overbearing.”

Even after muting her DG’s GroupMe, Fischer still felt overwhelmed by counselors reaching out to her via text, Facebook, and Snapchat.

“You’d think that if I didn’t respond then they would get the message that I wasn’t interested in getting lunch in the MSC every day, but ignoring them only makes them text me more,” Fischer said. “It’s like they just can’t move on. I saw my DG dad on campus the other day and he still hadn’t dyed his hair back to a normal color.”

Fischer’s mom, Amy Morales, is just as eager for their relationship to end. Morales, a junior marketing major, hits up her freshmen just to make sure she is in good standing when chair applications come out.   

“Look, I don’t want to see my freshmen any more than they want to see me,” Morales, said. “You think I wanted to spend Gig ‘em Week standing in line for stuff on campus all day? I just want to do chair next year, so I had to be at all the continuity events.”

Richard Davidson, Morales’ partner and first-year counselor, had no idea what he was getting into.

“When I signed up to be a counselor, I didn’t realize they expected us to spend this much time with the freshmen, especially after camp,” Davidson said. “The worst part is, all of my freshmen who aren’t complete weirdos are the ones who never text me back. Megan was pretty much the only cool one and I haven’t heard from her in weeks.”

“It sucked having to sit on the third deck with them at the Ball State game,” Davidson continued. “If they really wanted us to show college football to the freshmen, they would have let us take them tailgating.”


-War Hymnal

Stoner at Z Islander Thinks He is Actually at The Beach

Sophomore Andrew Johnson has not been seen wearing a shirt since last February, according to his neighbors at Z Islander. What was thought to be a premature hype for spring break, then a quest for an early summer tan, and stretched into an over-excitement about the warm summer weather, has now turned into full-blown suspicion that Johnson actually believes he lives at the beach.

“He carries a boogie board out to the pool almost every day, shakes his head and mutters under his breath about waiting for ‘a sweet swell one of these days’,” Z Islander staff told The Mugdown.

Johnson mostly takes online classes, except for a sand volleyball KINE 199, which he gets to on his longboard two days a week. He spends most of his time tanning on the volleyball court, actually playing volleyball, and getting high  hanging out in his pastel pink and blue apartment.

“He’s kind of a weird dude, but I like him. The first time he asked if I wanted to ‘hit the surf’ with him, I was kind of disappointed that he meant the Z Islander pool, but he shared an actual coconut with me which was pretty cool,” said Johnson’s weed dealer, who asked to remain unnamed.

The Mugdown recently caught up with Johnson over some fuzzy navels poolside. When asked how Johnson has adjusted to life in College Station over the last two years since moving from his home in Houston, Johnson seemed overcome with emotion. “Moving here has completely changed me. I finally found my place in the world, and I couldn’t be happier. The sun, the sand, the crystal clear waters, the quirky sideways windows, the palm trees. Before moving to College Station, I had never even been to a beach, and now I never want to leave.”


Panda Expressions


Hug an Aggie Athlete Day

Starting guard for Texas A&M Men’s Basketball Team, Danuel House, recently suffered a serious injury while walking across campus. A fracture to his ankle was caused by an awkward run-in where a student he was approaching stepped to the same side of the sidewalk as he did. House describes the incident in the following:

“We were stuck in this awkward dance trying to get around one another when he pulled a juke-right, spin-left move out of nowhere. My natural basketball instinct kicked in and I actually tried to guard him. The next thing I knew I was on the ground of Military Walk with my ankle throbbing.”

After receiving quality care from the medical experts at Beutel, it was determined that, in fact, House had sustained a hairline fracture to the medial malleolus of his left fibula.


“I used to roll my eyes when I saw athletes being driven around campus on golf carts like royalty,” said Andrew Boskreig, the student who caused the incident, “but after being personally responsible for the injury of a pedestrian athlete, I realize the true risks they are putting on themselves and their team each day by walking to class.”

After the realization that a key player would be out for most of the offseason, Texas A&M men’s basketball coach, Bill Kennedy, began a petition to provide more golf carts to take athletes across campus year-round.

The issue has started a campus wide discussion about university athlete treatment. Chemistry major, Gracie Wilkes recognized the value of the campus pseudo-celebrities and noted the marketing value and revenue they bring to the University.

“Even with the tuition, meal plans, special facilities, personal tutoring, and free products they receive, there are still some day-to-day privileges missing from their lives,” Wilkes said. “The golf carts not only offer athletes protection from the masses, but they help remind students of an athlete’s true position in the student body.  ”

Texas A&M Athletics Director, Eric Hyman, commented on how difficult it is for a university to appreciate and acknowledge the value of one of their players. Though Hyman spearheaded the $450 million Kyle Field redevelopment project, he still feels the shrine, which is only used seven times a year, falls short of the true glory of the athletes he is trying to honor.

“The NCAA makes it hard enough,” said Hyman. “ I am personally looking forward to the day when we can give some of our profit back in the form of a paycheck to the under-recognized heroes of this University. Otherwise all of the money they are making us would just go to undeserving or inconsequential departments of Texas A&M like academic scholarships or cancer research.”

Students of Texas A&M, be sure to thank these silent heroes for their selfless service to their University. Remember that your role models do not get paid for what they do, and with the NCAA’s rules and regulations, they are often not even allowed to celebrate their accomplishments without receiving a penalty. Knowing the physical and emotional hardships of a college athlete, we wanted to do something to show our appreciation for these vital members of the Aggie Family. Would you please join us today, in our first ever “Hug a Aggie Athlete Day.”  Just remember to approach with caution, as these men and women are susceptible to injury, and their bodies are worth more than your entire education.


-Lonely Lighter

Stairway to Heaven, Highway to Hell, Sidewalk to Hospital

Recently, the dangers of traversing Texas A&M’s College Station campus by foot have come into a new light. Students will not be warned of this danger through a “CRIME ALERT” email, nor will they read about it on the College Station Police Department’s Twitter.  Who is putting students’ lives in danger?  Sidewalks.

Last Friday on West Campus, senior animal sciences major, Trent Daniels, experienced a biking accident while riding over a drastically uneven patch of sidewalk. In this incident, Daniels, who may have been riding at excessive speeds, hit his front tire on the tall side of the crack, causing him to flip over the front of his handlebars. Daniels is still in rehab, recovering from fractures in his collarbone and left fibula, as well as a severe hip dislocation.  His parents have brought a lawsuit against the University for its negligence in campus maintenance.

Many other minor sidewalk incidents like these have recently occurred on campus, with no attention from the University.  Most incidents only resulted in skinned knees, and officials argue that the true danger is students texting and walking, not the poorly maintained sidewalks.

University officials have repeatedly declined to address the issue this semester, and many are suspicious that the University has been more than frivolous with its construction budget. Anna Bower, junior education major and recent victim of sidewalk paving negligence, commented on all of the new projects being completed on campus.

“Just when we thought Kyle Field couldn’t get any bigger— it did.  And why are we building a hotel and convention center on campus? I just want to be able to walk to class without worrying about showing up covered in blood.” Bower said.

Others have acknowledged that old, unused buildings such as Francis Hall, near Evans Library, and Scoates Hall, near the Langford architecture complex, both received extensive renovations. Yet the sidewalks, perhaps the commodity most used by students, have yet to be considered.

Dr. Jerry R. Strawser, Vice President for Finance and Administration, who oversees campus construction, condescendingly spoke with us about the issue.

“We aren’t terribly concerned about this problem and definitely won’t consider it until next summer. Until then, have a nice trip, and just enjoy the fall!” Strawser said.


-Lonely Lighter

Closet Major Comes Out

Friends, family, and professors gathered at a student’s apartment for a “coming out” party, where Craig Lee, a sophomore at A&M, came out of the closet about his major.

Both of Lee’s parents graduated from Texas A&M with honors in biomedical sciences. His father Charles Lee became a cardiologist and his mother Mary Lee pursued radiology.

“First off, I just wanted to thank everyone for loving me no matter who I actually am,” Lee said. “My whole life everyone told me I was a doctor, but deep down I knew this wasn’t who I was.”

Lee’s father, visibly uncomfortable, shifted in his chair as his wife put a hand on his shoulder to reassure him.

“It just makes me wonder where I messed up, you know?” Charles said. “I did my best to provide an environment where my boy could flourish and follow in my footsteps, but I don’t know why he’s choosing not to.”

“But he’s still our son and we’re going to support him no matter what,” Mary said. “Right Charles?” Mr. Lee tensed his jaw and looked away.

Lee’s close friends looked on, eager to hear what sort of lifestyle he had chosen.

“I always knew he wasn’t going to be a doctor,” said Rachel Walton, a sophomore communications major. “Once you start talking to him it’s pretty obvious he’s not that type.”

Other friends were caught by surprise, like sophomore biomedical sciences major Justin McClean.

“He just seemed so normal, like one of us. None of us knew he was hiding such a big part of himself from the world,” McClean said. “But, like, we’re still cool. It’s not gonna get weird between us, hopefully.”

Ashlyn Williams, Lee’s academic advisor, sympathized with his situation.

“We get a lot of kids like him in our department,” Williams said. “It’s perfectly understandable for a young man his age to want to explore a new side of himself and I’m doing everything I can to support him through this.”

After Lee announced his plan to major in dance, his father was seen storming off muttering something about how he wished his son had just been gay instead.


-War Hymnal

Students Fear Test Imminent when Class-Dodging Senior Spotted

Throughout history, civilizations have been brought to their knees at the hands of sickness and plague in both times of war and times of peace. This week, Texas A&M was brought low by one of the most dangerous illnesses of all: senioritis.

Senior poultry science major, Eric Wolf, has become infamous during his tenure at Texas A&M for attending only the minimum number of classes needed to pass. He is rarely seen by the general student body except when he comes to class for tests. Because of this notoriety, when Wolf was spotted on west campus last week near the Kleberg building, many students began to panic, fearing there could be a test they had forgotten.

“It’s always really scary and stressful when people say they’ve seen Eric Wolf,” said Carrie Elways, a sophomore animal science major. “Since Eric never goes to his classes, no one knows if they have a class with him or not. So if he’s on campus, we are all at risk.”

When Elways heard that Wolf had been seen, she rushed to check eCampus to make sure she hadn’t forgotten a test date. Thousands of other students had the same reaction, and this sudden and unexpected influx of online traffic caused the already painfully slow campus WiFi to crash. With nervous students all over campus now unable to know for sure whether or not they had tests, panicked mobs rushed to buy scantrons. These mobs of terrified students quickly turned to looting.

Prompted by the violent hordes beginning to rampage across campus, Code Maroon sent out a poorly-worded alert that read: “Wolf sighting on campus. Students are advised to evacuate to North.” Although this message did succeed in causing an evacuation (Aggies do not have to be told twice to go to Northgate), it increased the confusion and panic sweeping across campus.

With Texas A&M locked in the jaws of hysteria, hundreds of students called the Corps Escorts service in order to get back home safely. The demand for Corps Escorts was reportedly so high that Corps seniors were forced to walk with girls who weren’t even attractive. As the mayhem worsened, campus slowly regressed to a state of failure plagued by riots and using scantrons as currency. The Commandant of the Corps of Cadets soon issued an emergency statement.

“I am declaring an official state of martial law across all of Texas A&M,” The Commandant announced, “The Corps of Cadets will be deployed as a peace-keeping militia using TAMU Transit buses as mobile fortresses.”

Members of the Board of Regents have come out as strongly opposed to this plan. The Board claims that the Commandant plans to instate himself as a military dictator using his favorite students, the Aggie Band, as his secret police. Aggies who live on campus are advised to stay in groups, be in the dorms before the new curfew, pretend to take the Aggie Band seriously, and spend a few scantrons stocking up on essential supplies.
Any further Wolf sightings are to be reported to Campus Police immediately, so that we can resolve once and for all if there are tests this week or not.


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Dating Couple Basically Engaged by Hours

Local couple Sarah Addison and Connor Bristow drew attention from young couples everywhere when they announced a major relationship milestone in a Facebook post Sunday evening. Despite dating for only eight months and four days, the couple believes that they might as well just consider themselves engaged.

Some students come into college with transfer credits that put them ahead of schedule academically. While freshmen by year, they have over thirty hours, making them sophomores by hours. Bristow and Addison found themselves in a similar position.

“What we have is special,” said Addison. “Connor was my group leader for MSC ALOT and we connected from day one. Things were kind of messy because of policy, but when he finally asked me out, I knew he was the one.”

“She flirted with me basically all year,” said Bristow. “It took everything I had not to just say ‘screw it’ and ask her out. By the time we started dating, it felt like we’d been together for like our whole lives.”

Contrarily, they had known each other for less than a year.

The Facebook post stated that the couple would indeed be spending the rest of their lives together, whether bound by a matrimonial ceremony or not, and was accompanied by a picture of them holding hands, sitting on the bench under the Century Tree.

“Is this for real?!??!!?!?” said pretty much every Facebook commenter.

“I don’t have the money to buy a ring right now,” said Bristow. “The guy at David Gardner’s wouldn’t let me give him an IOU even though I know I’m going to be pulling in six figures when I graduate. We don’t need a ring to be engaged anyway, we have love and eight months of being together.”

The wedding is tentatively scheduled for May 2017 and Bristow is planning to propose sometime that January.

-Cactus Jack

College Station Now Big Enough for Two Targets

In what can only be described as a day that will go down in history, College Station – our beloved home away from home – has now been deemed large enough for two Targets, by local PTSA mother of three, Gladys Knight.

Often thought to be a one-Target town by other cities, towns, and foreigners alike, many residents (or College Stationians as they like to be called) are absolutely thrilled by the idea of having another Target grace the town with its presence. The emporium is expected to improve morale with its superior quality goods, craftsmanship, and entertainment as well as boost the local economy with its job creation.

“With this second Target, the number of things we can do in this town will literally triple. Maybe I speak alone on this, but I’ve never had a bad time at Target,” said Michael Gregory, a junior Biomedical Sciences major.

Nancy Berry, the mayor of College Station, is encouraged by the overwhelming support and remains hopeful for the future. “The journey of a thousand miles begins with step one; this is that step. Now, we push for a Waffle House,” Berry said.

As can be expected, this moment is not without its fair share of detractors and critics.

“Sure, it starts with this extra target, but then what’s next? Having nothing to do in this town is exactly what makes it so special,” said Kevin Hickey, a Business Honors sophomore.

Though admittedly proud of its neighbor, the town of Bryan is more than a tad bit jealous of the newfound progress, fame, and success. Bryan has failed to secure for itself a possible second Target, and sources say it is the last straw.

The mayor of Bryan, Jason Bienski, had this to say at a Bryan City Hall meeting: “It’s with a heavy heart that I tell you great people that once again we have been snubbed by our younger, much better looking sibling – College Station. We cannot sit in silence any longer. We must act. ”

At press time, Target declined to comment on the status of a second location.


– Plug Down for Watt

$450 Million Spent on Building for 7-Day Use

Texas A&M Chancellor John Sharp defended the university’s decision to spend over $450 million on a building that would only be used about seven times each year. The value added to campus, he argued, would more than make up for the cost.

The building, which was recently completed, features state-of-the-art video and sound systems and the capacity to seat the entire student body and then some.

“We know that every student won’t use this building and it’s not for academics, but after all, the students voted to foot the bill for $70 million,” Sharp noted.

The building will only be used on a handful of weekends during the fall semester. It is suspected that the building will also bring more donations to the school from alumni looking to get their name on a bench. Possibly the largest impact will come from social media, as students are projected to photograph themselves in this building and feature it on their instagrams and snapchat stories.

“Maybe we can find a way to make the building useful on the other 141 days of the academic year,” Sharp said. “We can just blast music over the speakers. Then students will feel like their $70 million is being well spent.”

-Commons Lobbyist

Professor Convinced i>Clickers are Path to Salvation

Halfway through his Tuesday morning Chemistry lecture, Dr. Gonzalez smirked as he decided to test his students’ knowledge of strong and weak acids with an i>clicker quiz. After generously allotting them over three minutes to think it through, Dr. Gonzalez was dumbfounded when he saw that there were over 140 responses despite there only being at best 100 students in class.

“Obviously, I was skeptical at first – I didn’t want to believe it! But after my class promised that they did not have anyone else’s i>clicker but their own, I just knew we had made contact with some sort of spiritual being,” Gonzalez said.

In an attempt to communicate with the suspected spirit, Gonzalez stopped teaching and immediately began utilizing the i>clicker system to ask the visitor questions about death, God, the afterlife, and the ghost’s own intentions.

“It is so comforting to have the answers to all the big questions in life,” Gonzalez explained. “It is so easy now. All I had to do was come up with my top five guesses to answer my own questions, and the spirit responded every time.”

With his new peace of mind, the fifty-year-old professor quit his highly coveted and tenured position here at A&M, took out his life savings, and donated the bulk of it to numerous charities. The little he kept for himself he is now using to sustain his asceticism as he wanders around aimlessly, city to city, promoting the truths he has found – i>clicker securely in tow.  


-Plug Down for Watt

Texas A&M to Welcome JLO to Campus

At Texas A&M, it is easy for students to find themselves overwhelmed by the vast number of student organizations and opportunities for involvement.  So much so, in fact, that a group of juniors has started their own organization to help fellow third-year students with the transition from their sophomore year to their senior year.

The new Junior Leadership Organization, or JLO for short, seeks to provide junior Aggies with a place to expand their horizons and learn new things. Some of the organization’s executives even plan on working with the new members to put on events and do service projects together.

Adam Nguyen, cofounder and president of the first JLO, JESUS—Junior Educational Society of University Students—is hopeful for his organization’s debut.

“Junior year is definitely a hard year for students,” Nguyen said. “It’s a time for transition. JESUS seek to help everyone find their way through love of leadership, service, and career experience.”

The JLO is divided into a multitude of subcommittees, which each handle different aspects of the organization. Daniel Grayson, senior marketing major and JESUS executive, is the director of the Résumé Building subcommittee.

“We’ve been really excited to take on our new members this fall,” Grayson said. “Not everyone wants to accept the responsibility or time commitments of a new organization. That’s what our subcommittee is here for: we teach juniors how to exaggerate their involvements during college.”

Prospective members faced a rigorous application process, including mandatory socials and one-on-one interviews. “Barely anyone applied,” Nguyen said. “I guess it’s because, by now, all of the good people are already involved in something. Whatever.”

Junior psychology major Leslie McAllen is a new member of JESUS and part of the Banner Holding subcommittee. When asked about her reason for involvement, McAllen said, “I tried applying for FLOs and SLOs the past two years, but I never got in one. I finally found an organization that is desperate enough to accept me. It’s good to know that they don’t really care about their reputation.”

JESUS is currently planning its first big service event for the fall of 2015. Called “Bannerfest”, the event seeks to teach junior members leadership skills by having them hold painted sheets outside to earn service hours. The junior with the most service hours at the end of Bannerfest is awarded with the divine knowledge of what it takes to become mankind’s ultimate leader.

-Bacon and Ags


Howdy Ags,

The last few semesters have been very rewarding. We have done a lot, made a few friends and a few enemies, and now we are ready to grow again. This semester, we are looking to expand our team.

We have had numerous people ask us how they can get involved with The Mugdown. If you are one of those wondering how you can be a part of this, now is your chance. We are looking for new writers, graphic designers, photographers/videographers, and web designers. If you have experience with Adobe Photoshop, Adobe Illustrator, pens and other writing utensils, or maybe even feel that you have something to contribute to The Mugdown that we have not mentioned, we would like to invite you to fill out this application and email it to

We will be accepting applications for two weeks, starting today, 9/14/2015 at 10:00 AM until next Friday 9/25/2015 at 11:59 PM. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to reach out to us by e-mail.



P.S. Remember, our members are anonymous, so it is a requirement that you don’t let others know you are applying.

For updates on what we are up to follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook!



Boyfriend Brings Cheating Girlfriend to Honor Council

Last week, sophomore chemical engineering major Sam Cookley brought his unsuspecting girlfriend before the Aggie Honor Council to accuse her of cheating on him.

Cookley brought forward screenshots of text messages between his girlfriend, Emily Koberson, and someone saved in her phone as “Jacob – bio lab” as evidence.

The Honor Council traditionally deals in matters of exclusively academic, not romantic, dishonesty. However, after a quick meeting to discuss how settling this issue might make the student body actually like them, the Council agreed to accept the case.

“An Aggie does not lie, cheat, or steal,” Blake Browning, a member of the Council, said. “In my time here, I have seen printed answers on fake water bottle wrappers, temporary tattoos, real tattoos, and every depraved act of dishonesty in between. I have even seen a kid fake a hearing disorder for an entire semester so he could play recorded study guides through his hearing aid during tests, but I have never seen a case this deplorable,” Browning said. “We will enforce a precedent today that cheating is not allowed in the Aggie Family, in any sense.”

Koberson spent most of her trial in a state of shock. “Okay, so like, he tells me that he’s taking me on a surprise date, and then we show up at this random building on campus, and he ushers me into a room with a bunch of stoney-faced people! I thought that maybe this time we would go out on a real date, off campus, where they take real money and not dining dollars.”

Her attitude was further soured when the committee decided that, due to her blatant disregard for the Aggie Code of Honor and therefore the Aggie Family, she would be removed from each of her social organizations for the fall semester.

Cookley expressed that he hopes his now ex-girlfriend has learned her lesson. “Justice is served!” Cookley said. “I know the punishment is harsh, but she lied to me and betrayed my trust. I don’t know when I’ll be able to love again.”

The Aggie Honor Code must be taken seriously, regardless of the circumstances.

Timothy Powers, Director of the Aggie Honor System Office, said that this landmark decision ushers in a new era of accountability for students.

“You don’t stop being an Aggie when you step outside the classroom. If you break the Honor Code in any way, shape, or form, there will be consequences,” Powers said. “Also, every effort will be made to find ‘Jacob from bio lab.’ That bastard won’t get away with this.”

–Lone Star Lady

Kinesiology Instructor in Power Chair, Not Disabled

In a shocking discovery Thursday morning, students of Steve Jacobson’s KINE 199 racquetball class were flabbergasted to learn that their wheelchair-bound instructor was, in fact, capable of walking. The incident occurred when Mr. Jacobson power chaired over to the drinking fountain but was not able to reach the spout. He rose from his chair to take a drink, stretched a bit, and quickly sat back down. Students around the gym stared with mouths agape.

Zach Smitheart, a freshman political science major, was particularly taken aback. “I just feel lied to. Taken advantage of. I held the door open for that man,” he explained. “I just feel dirty and violated.”

Students expressed their disbelief in many ways. Some doubled over and wept in the fetal position, while others were filled with rage and threw down their racquets.

Jacobson, now in his third year as a kinesiology instructor, has been ridiculed by students and faculty alike for his demeanor and behavior. The 2006 Bachelor of Arts graduate from the University of Phoenix-Online typically rolls into the PEAP Building in his Power Chair and sweatpants for his Tuesday and Thursday sections.  

When asked why he uses a Power Chair, Jacobson asked the Mugdown, “Why should I be required to do two hours of walking or racquetball every week when I am an adult?”

The university is revising its policy on requiring all physical education and kinesiology instructors to pursue “active means of crossing rooms in front of the children,” according to the Department of Health and Kinesiology’s Undergraduate Program Director, Dr. Paul Keiper. New faculty members will be vetted and will be required to park their Power Chairs by the bike racks as not to leave a negative impression with the students.
-Commons Lobbyist

Mugdown’s Declassified School Survival Guide

MD Declass

-Mugdown Staff

College Station Novelty ID Business Booms

Don’t be shocked the next time you get on an Aggie Spirit bus and are asked to show proper identification before boarding. After complaints of crowded busses from students and faculty, university bus drivers are now actually implementing the rule that has been in place since the beginning of the Aggie Transportation system.

After this semi-recent announcement that Texas A&M transportation would be requiring valid student ID cards in order to use their services, sales of novelty ID cards in the Bryan/College Station area have boomed. A novelty ID provider, who asks to remain unnamed, has told The Mugdown that his sales are up 120% since the newfound enforcement of the rule.

“We have orders flying through the doors. We haven’t been this busy since Aggies started to care about football again, and people were buying IDs so that their out of town friends and family could get into the student section for games,” our source said.

The highest quality identification cards sold run for about $120, however, if you get a group of students together, the price can go down to around $70 per person. The provider tell us that the cards are as legitimate as it gets, except for the label on the back that states that the card is indeed a novelty item. “You can easily scratch that off, nobody even checks the back of the ID when you get on the bus” our source said.

You are even able to pre-load your novelty identification card with dining dollars that can be used at a variety of dining establishments throughout campus. “All that you need to provide is a clear picture taken against a white or similar solid colored wall, a name for the novelty ID card, and a nine digit number to be used as your UIN. We’ll do the rest” says the ID maker.

There are currently plans in the works for a fake paper ID template that can be easily purchased and downloaded on your own computer in the comfort of your own home. The effectiveness of this method has not been confirmed yet, but The Provider assures us that if enough skin is shown and the right bus is boarded, 60 percent of the time the paper ID works every time.

The IDs are also available for Blinn students who told their graduating class that they were actually attending Texas A&M.


Marco Ovo Queso Polo

Howdy Prompts Existential Crisis

Sophomore Jacob Evans was just a “regular, carefree student” until yesterday, according to his roommates. Early Tuesday afternoon, Evans instinctively responded “Howdy” to a friend as they passed in the hallway of Blocker after class. Suddenly realizing the implications of his actions, Evans began to question the very nature of his existence.

“What does it even mean?” Evans asked the Mugdown. “Did I say ‘Howdy’ because I wanted to or because I’ve been conditioned to?”

Uncertain of whether major lifestyle choices were of his own choosing or whether he was merely a product of societal persuasion, Evans became unwound and erratic. He has questioned whether standing at games even makes sense anymore or whether doing something twice actually justifies a tradition.  His roommates claimed that Evans pondered for hours on end about whether repeating a tradition for its own sake was worth it or contained any meaning at all.

They showed our reporter around, pointing out, “thats him in the corner, thats him in the spotlight, losing his tradition”. He could be heard mumbling to himself something about “The Spirit” and “chigaroogarem.”  

As the day continued, they noticed that the underclassman psychology major continued to appear unstable, and was overheard calling his parents and asking if his first word, “mama,” was his choice or because his mother had repeated it to him so many times.

“Did I even choose to come to A&M?” Evans pondered, “or was it just the inevitable consequence of thousands of decisions my parents made?”

-Commons Lobbyist


Freshman Spends Gig ‘Em Week Befriending Future Strangers

Every freshman’s first tradition: fooling yourself into liking people you will never see again after the MSC Open House. We spent a day with incoming freshman Tyler Walker to get a better glimpse into this tradition that is as widespread as a freshman’s eyelids during their first test.

We first met up with Walker while he was roaming aimlessly around campus with a group of 15-20 other freshman. These large groups of fish are called schools and no one truly knows how they begin or where they are all headed, but soon after classes start these schools will dissolve into the familiar, crushing loneliness of college life. Walker introduced us to his “best friend” Charles Thadwin. The two boys had met just a few weeks earlier at Fish Camp.

“Sure Charles and I have different majors,” Walker said. “He’s going to rush but I’m not, and I’m living in a dorm but he’s living off campus and neither of us has a car. But still, we’re totally going to be best friends man. I mean, we played beer pong all night together last night.”

Our experts give their friendship two weeks, or as long as it takes for one of them to meet any other person.

Throughout the day Walker’s school of fish continued to grow. The freshmen seem to believe that everyone they introduce themselves to will become a lifelong friend so anyone is welcome, except for that one freshman whose parents are still awkwardly hanging around. Freshmen still see parents as lame instead of as a source of free food.  Walker eventually separated from the school of fish and spent the rest of his day doing things no student ever actually does: dressing up nice to go on campus, being impressed by anyone in a Corps uniform, and actually going into the MSC art galleries.

“I’m so excited to hang out with all my new friends,” Walker said. “I’ll have so much free time to see them since I never really needed to study in high school anyway, and now I’ll only be in class for part of the day.”
Like all freshmen, the naïve Walker will soon abandon his early school of fish and migrate to a new community he actually has something in common with. This may sadden him for a time but he will one day be glad that, unlike Corps fish, he wasn’t forced to stay with his first awkward friend group.



This article was written by a fan. If you or anyone you know may be interested in contributing a post or idea to the site, feel free to share it with us or ask us questions at!

Sophomore by Hours, Douchebag by Nature

With Gig ‘Em Week™ coming to a close, eager freshmen are getting out and introducing themselves to fellow classmates all over campus. Students report that Chet Walker, a freshman Pre-Law/Pre-Med double major from The Woodlands, has been making it a point to meet as many of his classmates as possible to build his network early. Students who have met Walker agree that in addition to being aggressively outgoing and having 30 hours of credit already, he is also a total douchebag.

“Howdy! I’m Chester Steven Walker III, but I go by Chet, AAAAA!!!!!!!” Walker said to a passing student. “Are you a freshman? I’m technically a sophomore, but it’s only my first year of college. Wanna grab some Panda?”

Walker was already imagining how he would explain to his new friend how he ended up with so many credit hours when his newest friend, marketing major Lewis Christensen, began evasive maneuvers.

“Hey…sorry man, I’m heading back to my dorm,” Christensen said. “I just ate anyway.”

According to Christensen, Walker was incredibly persistent.

“He asked me what dorm I lived in, then explained that he had lived in a dorm at his summer lacrosse camp every year of his life so far, so he knew all the secrets,” Christensen said. “I just wandered around until he found someone else to bother — there was no way I was leading him to my dorm.”

Others students have had equally unbearable encounters with Walker.

“I remember that guy. He was in my Fish Camp, and he never did his wildcat,” said Jennifer Mendez, a freshman biology major. “When his counselor asked him why, he said he was technically class of 2018… what a prick.”

“He was going on about wanting to play college ball. I’m not sure what sport, but he pulled his meniscus or something at state. I can’t believe I listened to him for so long,” said Kyle Anderson, a freshman English major.

Each evening, Walker can usually be found trying to get a pick-up game of sand volleyball or ultimate Frisbee started.

“Oh, you’re in History 105? I took APUSH last year, so let me know if you need to see my notes,” Walker said to another one of his helpless targets. “I wish I could take easy classes like that, most of mine are 200-level.”

Walker was last seen introducing himself to his professor at the front of a 200-student lecture hall.
-War Hymnal

The Mugdown Low-Down: How to A&M, A Guide for Our New President

Dr. Young,

We first wanted to congratulate you on officially putting on the A&M hat and signing as this University’s next President. We at The Mugdown understand that you are new to Aggieland and decided to dedicate this Mugdown Low-Down (MDLD) to help you—and other new faculty and staff—understand Texas A&M.

  1. The Mugdown. Might as well start with the best. We are the premiere news source on campus and we exist to serve the student body by consistently delivering unbiased and completely true news. Be wary when reading The Battalion—or worse, The Good Bull—they make up quotes and don’t use Oxford commas. Trust us, not them.
  2. Social Media. You might have heard about a previous University President who was very active on Twitter. That was cool and all but Twitter is on the decline recently and as far as the medium goes, your predecessor set some high expectations. This paper recommends exploring other social media outlets to best connect with the student body. Snapchat should be a priority—who doesn’t love a good President selfie? Yik Yak can also prove to be a vital way to connect with the student body, albeit with the possibility of you just speaking with a small conjunction of Cadets and bored freshmen.
  3. Logan’s. Not Logies. It’s that simple Mike; don’t call the best bar on Northgate Logie’s. That is step one on the enlistment to New Army.
  4. Eating On Campus. You Run This Campus. We implore you to try dining options other than University Club; here are our favorites:
    1. The Grill at The Pavilion: Snuggled in between the Annex, Evans, and Liberal Arts, this little known burger joint is home to the greatest burger on campus, The King Kong. Don’t even look at the menu. Walk in and ask for a King Kong or, if you like guacamole, a Queen Kong. Make sure to say hi to the best on-campus dining employee, Mirna, and wait patiently in line until that joyful moment when your number is called.
    2. Bright Complex: R. C. Slocum Nutrition Center: Just south of Kyle Field (that is where we play football) and west of the President’s house Sharp’s Kennel For Big Money Donors, this might be the best kept secret on campus. Built strictly for athletes, this facility is unsurprisingly the nicest dining location at A&M. However, lunch is open for everyone, and we hear that after a couple meals there, you can just simply join the Aggie Football Defense.
    3. 12th Man Cafeteria (specifically Cabo): Located in the cafeteria in the MSC, Cabo is home to the best tacos on campus. Cabo is wedged between the pizza line and Indian food place, typically with no line because nobody thinks to visit it. Ask for the two taco plate and from then on out, it’s your basic Chipotle style build-a-taco. Yes, guacamole will be extra.
  5. How to buy an Aggie Ring. Let’s be honest here—this student body will not fully accept you until you assimilate completely. This includes purchasing an Aggie Ring. We recommend looking into graduate programs on campus or an online program. Qualifications can be found here.
  6. Fuego. Fuego is your new home for late-night tacos. On the corner of Texas and University, Fuego is open 24/7 making it everybody’s meet up spot after a successful Saturday night of studying. We recommend getting a Juan Pablo, Fuego Steak, and a pint of queso. Also, Fuego is home to a secret menu, and it’s incredible.
  7. Boots, Y’all, and Howdy. We are highly aware of the resistance from out-of-staters to these three notoriously “Texan” things. Often, those not blessed enough to be born within state lines feel the need to “express their individuality” when it comes to the idea of assimilation into the Texas culture. If you attempt to bring with you some of your own state’s character, we commend you. However, we also feel that we must warn you. You will be beaten. It is useless to resist. Give into the struggle cuddle that is Texan pride. Buy those boots. Shorten your sentences. Say Howdy, dammit.
  8. Chilifest. Now also known as the Rock-Paper-Scissors-Free Zone, Chilifest is the best place to take that wife of yours for a special treatment at the mud spa. And you’ll be supporting philanthropies while you do it! This hedonistic hail to country music and drunken debauchery is the most highly anticipated event of the year by students and Snook police alike. Start designing your build and perfecting your chili recipe now. Do Mormons believe in Noah’s Ark? If so, we already designed a sweet build for you here.
  9. Don’t touch the bats. College Station is apparently home to massive colonies of bats that have been known to infiltrate Evans, Kyle Field, West Campus Garage, and the Rec center. In the case you miss the dozens of signs around campus or the occasional warning email, you are reading it now: DON’T TOUCH THE BATS. This also goes for the Battalion: DON’T TOUCH THE BATTS.
  10. It is now acceptable to walk over all seals. Not that this really would have affected you anyway (except maybe #5), but there used to be a long-standing belief that if you walked across the hallowed seal of Texas A&M University, you would be doomed to never graduate. Students used to go out of their way to avoid seals in Koldus, the Governor Rick Perry ‘72 Building Academic Building, and on Military Walk. It was kind of a pain, but it was tradition. Well now, we wish to inform you that your trips across campus will be pain-free as all University seals have been made irrelevant by the actions of your new best friends and bosses, The Ever-Living, Ever-Loving Board of Regents. Be sure to thank them for removing one more obstacle to your success here at Texas A&M.

We hope this has been helpful to you, President Mike, and can ease your transition into college life and the Aggie family. We wish you the best of luck as you begin to lead Texas A&M University, and we hope to see you at Logan’s, The Grill, and/or Fuego soon.

Thanks and Gig ‘em,

Lonely Lighter and Sbisa Cookie

The Lorag

At the far end of Station,

Where the Memorial grass had grown

And the wind smells of Aggies we had once known

And no nuts for squirrels to hoard or to chew,

Is the street of the Spirited Lorag.


And deep in that spot, there is still left

The shop of the Agministrator, Regent Bereft.

With a sign by his door, “no lie, cheat, or theft.”

And there for a nickel you can overpay

to hear how the Lorag was lifted away.


Who was this Lorag?

And what did it say?

Why was it taken so far, far away?

Longly and slowly, the Agmin swallows his sounds

Like a fish eating water, he downed and he drowned:


“Way far back in the land of the free

In the realm of the sacred Century Tree.

When the grass was still green

And the Corps, spit-shined and clean,


I first saw sight of the trees.

The trees, the trees, the Hullabaloo trees!

Their soft, willowy trunks

And the shadowy cool of their cucumber leaves…


I knew at once that this was the place.

I’d chop up a chop and clear me some space.

A hack and a homp and away in a race,

I flattened so fastly

the knoll known as Grassy,


When out of a sudden popped a man dressed smart.

I jumped with a holler, I jumped with a start.

This man dressed so silly, you couldn’t have guessed

if his bowtie was facing north or west!


He had a full furry lip and glasses so round

He waddled around like a duck on the ground.

“Agminstrator,” he rasped like a dry dust bowl,

“I am the Lorag. I speak for the knoll!

I am asking you now from the pit of my soul.


I speak for the knoll and I speak for the trees

You must stop at once, you mustn’t do as you please!”

He was terribly troubled, most visibly vexed.

“What plans have you got, what will be next!”


Dear friend, I said, there’s no need to be stressed.

Just think of all the students who will be blessed

with more space to learn when it is done.

I never meant to hurt anything or anyone.


Then away in a rush, all the rules I did flush.

I was mad as a peacock, I was mad as a flock.

I called all my buddies, I called all my chums,

My dandy donors: Buzbee, Bright, and Bum.


And before you could count to two,

we grew and We Grew and WE GREW!

‘Till the donors had leapt and the Ag majors wept

For the Saffadoo Squirrels who all had been swept


The Field of Duncan was ripe for the chunkin’

Why see the sun when schoolwork’s more fun!

But not before the Elephant Ears…

Oh no, we lopped those off with New Army shears.

With a snip and a slomp and concrete for miles,

We swam in our gold, all poured out in piles!


Then once more the Lorag croaked in retort

“I am the Lorag,” he choked in a snort,

“The Saffadoo Squirrels have no peace at night.

The cranes and the trains give them quite a fright!

They must find home elsewhere, I don’t know if you care.”


Look, my foolish frumpy friend,

I have plans for profits that never end,

to fills these halls with pockets that lend.

Many of thousands and eleventy billions

students in excess will grant us their bullions.


Yelling, “25-by-25!”

We hacked down every tree alive.

Every last one, till the last Hullabaloo bud.

It fell with thud, the last lonely dud.


No more hacking and homping,

No more ground for the stomping.

All the professors closed their books,

All the cadets marched home,

The lecture halls empty…


For the last time, the Lorag came.

He looked so fragile, frail, and lame.

“Agministrator,” he whispered, in a soft wheeze

“There are no more squirrels, students, or trees.”

Then upward he floated in quickening breeze,

Never to bother me with his unbearable sneeze.


All that remained on the spot where he stood,

at the spot of the last Hullabaloo wood,

was a small pile of books, with one word…


Of what it could mean, I hadn’t a clue I confess.


But now the Lorag’s words are so clear

These are the words that you must hold so dear:

“UNLESS someone like you

cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is going to get better.

It’s not.”

-Bellamy Partridge

Campus Cary Approved

Speaker of the Student Senate, Aaron Mitchell, announced a new bill Wednesday to keep campus safe in light of the Texas State Senate and surrounding controversy. 

“The Campus Cary bill will keep all students grounded in conservative values and protect us from infringements on our personal liberties,” said Mitchell. “A personal Cary for every student is the best way I know how to reduce liberal bias and in cases of self defense, it really packs a wollup! Who needs a devil on your shoulder when you’ve got a Cary in your holster?”

Cary Cheshire doesn’t disapprove of this message.

Campus Carying
Friends enjoying the safety of their own Campus Cary.
Several classmates meet at school and talk casually.
Mates sharing a laugh after class with their Campus Cary.
Two Carying
These girls are always safe thanks to their Campus Cary.
Small Group Campus Cary
“How did we get by before Campus Cary?”


-Commons Lobbyist

Spacious Spirit Bus Sets New Occupant Record

Tuesday morning, Malik Heath, a junior economics major and Aggie Spirit bus driver, packed a record 118 students, two guide dogs, seven visitors, and three Texas A&M University Athletes™ onto his bus. He is scheduled to receive an award from Transportation Services for this remarkable feat.

Heath typically drives the Route 6 12th Man bus, a popular mode of transportation for avoiding the 12 minutes of walking it takes to get to Wehner High. His stop at the MSC drew a sizeable crowd, a challenge most bus drivers would shy away from. Heath though, came up with a unique method of jamming patrons into the vehicle.

He credits the “Push and Shove” technique he learned in his training. Tenured bus driver and Senior RPTS major, Adriana Li, told The Mugdown before the award ceremony, “We all learn the basics: ask people to take their backpacks off, tell them to get into two lines, sound impatient, the usual. But this… this is unprecedented.”

Student accounts of the record-setting ride suggest a break from the typical backpack removal and two-line approach. Heath called on couples and close friends to sit on one another’s laps. He had students remove and leave behind their backpacks before ever getting on the bus, and placed patrons individually into three lines.

“I can’t take all the credit,” Heath said in an interview. “The bus driver ahead of me left as the break between classes began. I had no other options.” His venture took 15 minutes, delaying only 75 percent of the riders, another impressive feat. Transportation Services plans to award Heath for his ability to maintain the timeliness and order for which Aggie Spirit buses are so well-known.

At time of press, Transportation Services announced a plan to implement the Heath Method, for off campus routes, beginning with Route 12, where they will cut down to only two buses.


Corpus Escort


BREAKING: Texas A&M Won’t Accept Student Refugees

COLLEGE STATION, TX– President Michael Young sent the following letter to Governor Greg Abbott Monday to inform him that Texas A&M will no longer be accepting refugee transfer students for fear that we cannot fully vet them. The letter, leaked by an informant in the president’s office, indicates that the university has experienced trouble with transfer students in the past not supporting tradition and devaluing degrees.



Click here for a copy of the letter released by The Mugdown.

Utopia Realized Once All Students Armed

In accordance with a decision by the Texas Legislature, concealed carry has become universally accepted at Texas A&M University, ushering in a golden age of safety and prosperity. Once it was wisely pointed out that guns actually save lives and are not tools designed for the express purpose of killing, the vote was unanimously in favor of arming everyone. Texas A&M, with its infallible trust in people to always be good and never want to hurt each other, has brought about the impossible: utopia.

With a campus of 50,000 completely law-abiding citizens, and the inability of any non-student to enter the 5,200 acre campus, both faculty and students can walk around campus with peace of mind, knowing that no one would ever use their gun irresponsibly.

“I can’t believe that the whole country is not already doing this,” said Sydney Crimpleton, one of the many students now completely immune to any sort of gun violence. “I know that not everybody who wants to hurt me deserves to be murdered, and that criminals are still human beings, but now at least the criminals will be too scared to try anything. Just because someone is desperate enough to resort to crime does not mean they are desperate enough to risk their life. Now that campus carry is a law, the playing field is even. Now everyone can kill anyone.”

“Everything has gone off without a hitch,” said Jacob Fasbender, the leader of the Campus Carry implementation task force. “We have plans to tackle every other issue plaguing our campus in a similar way: drugs, cheating, fake ID’s, access to the nuclear reactor. Apparently, if you just make extremely dangerous things easily available to everybody then they are not dangerous anymore.”

The only downside to this return to the traditional, wild west method of peacekeeping is the layoff of several TAMU Police Officers.

“Now that everyone can protect themselves, we are out of a job,” Former Officer Ronald Wesson stated.

Officer Leroy Smith added, “I never thought I would see the day that we would actually solve crime, but it turns out it was simple all along. I expect the entire force will be gone soon. I doubt a student would accidentally shoot someone, or get angry and shoot someone innocent. Twenty-somethings are known to have complete control of themselves at all times, and even if tempers flare, both parties have a gun rendering their anger moot.”


-Chophouse Sweater Burger

Utopia Realized Once All Students Disarmed

Despite a decision passed in the Texas legislature, concealed carry has been banished from Texas A&M University completely, ushering in a golden age of safety and prosperity. Once it was wisely pointed out that guns only have the potential to hurt people and are not tools with any redeeming qualities, the vote was unanimously in favor of disarmament. Texas A&M, with its infallible trust in people to always be good and never need to defend themselves, has brought about the impossible: utopia.

With a campus of 50,000 completely law abiding citizens, and the inability of any non-student to enter the 5,200 acre campus, both faculty and students can walk around campus with peace of mind, knowing that, for the first time, nobody has the potential to do them harm.

“I can’t believe that the whole country is not already doing this,” said Sydney Crimpleton, one of the many students now completely immune to any sort of gun violence. “I know that not everybody who carried a concealed weapon was a murderer, but now at least the criminals aren’t allowed to have them either. Now that it is a law, everyone has to listen, even the criminals.”

“Everything has gone off without a hitch,” said Jacob Fasbender, the leader of the Campus Carry implementation task force. “We have plans to tackle every other issue plaguing our campus in a similar way. If we make a rule about it, the problem fixes itself! Drugs, violence, cheating, heartbreak, hunger, sadness, boredom. Turns out if you make something bad against the rules, it doesn’t hurt anybody anymore.”

The only downside to this change to a progressive, new age method of peacekeeping is the layoff of several TAMU Police Officers.

“Now that the risk of danger is gone, we’re out of a job!” former Officer Ronald Wesson stated.

Officer Leroy Smith added, “I never thought I would see the day that we would actually solve crime, but it turns out it was simple all along. I expect the entire force will be gone soon. But, now that nobody is armed, I guess that if someone did bring a gun intending harm, the students would be in serious trouble. But, shoot, that is impossible. It’s against the rules, you know.”


-Beutel Call

Student Fails Personality Test

Freshman general studies student Jenn Dole has no personality. Sarah Chandlers, a researcher in the college of psychology, confirmed the news earlier this week.

“To the casual observer, Ms. Dole seems like anyone else,” Chandlers said. “But under scrutiny her lack of personality is obvious. Ms. Dole exhibits very obvious symptoms; she agrees with anyone about anything, the only clothes she owns are comfort colors, and we were an hour late starting our testing because she is so generic that we mistook her for part of a wall.”

Dole scored a zero on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality test — a test which is not even scored numerically.

“There were a few times that  we thought Ms. Dole might actually have a personality,” Chandlers said. “We heard her say she likes all kinds of music, and she hates the word ‘moist’. However, after further analysis we realized those are not original opinions, these opinions are a result of absorbing the trends and most common interests of those around her.”

Dole’s condition makes her a valuable candidate for many campus organizations. Commandant Joe Ramirez has offered to pay Dole’s tuition if she joins the Corps of Cadets, claiming she is “The ideal cadet.”  Dole has also been approached by multiple sororities, Fish Camp, the Aggie Conservatives, Class Councils, the Student Government Association, CARPOOL and each of the more than 40 Texas A&M women’s organizations.

In a recent Facebook post-tweet combo, former yell leader Roy May said that Dole has a bright future as a campus leader because she exemplifies the most important Aggie value: conformity.

“Jenn Dole embodies the spirit of Aggieland,” May wrote, “She respects our school’s military heritage by abandoning her individuality completely. Jenn is a true member of the Aggie family, she would never try to change anything or demonstrate creativity.”

The Mugdown was able to reach Dole for comment but she had nothing interesting to say.


-Chophouse Sweater Burger


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