We’re not late on our comic. It’s definitely Sunday. Sunday, May 10th, 2014. We’re totally on time and haven’t been sitting on our butts watching Netflix and not writing articles all summer. So, put away your calendar and just trust us on this one. We’ve always been a reliable source. And now that our intern has finally recovered our password, we can post stories again! Go team! (Don’t worry. Said intern has been flayed and executed for his crimes against the realm. RIP Mark Dore.)
Now that we’re back, we’re sooo excited to end our lovely summer vacation so we can stay up late writing articles, drawing comics, and researching the delicious drama that is life at Texas A&M. Goodbye late-night alcohol-fueled parties and hello late-night
coffee-fueled alcohol-fueled writing sessions.
You’re probably wondering why May 10th of all days to come back from our super short hibernation. Well, there’s one man that can perk up even the laziest journalist. And for those who didn’t hear, during their preseason game, Texas A&M’s darling Johnny Heisman gave the Redskins the bird. Forget the fact that NFL history is overflowing with the obscene gestures of its quarterbacks, because this time it was Johnny Manziel.
As the school year comes to a close, we’d like to take time to reflect on the many historic events that occurred this semester.
1. The Mugdown was Born
We didn’t choose the mug life. The mug life chose us. Like Luke Skywalker or Joseph Stalin, destiny was flung upon us. January 25th, 2014, the Maroon Lampoon was born. The comedy gods called and we answered. One week later the Maroon Lampoon died. BUT from the ashes, a stronger paper rose and the Mugdown was born.
2. Kyle Field Began Renovations
With the conclusion of another football season came the beginning of Kyle Field’s facelift. Right now it has only had half its botox injections, but you can rest assured, the Kyle-oseum will be a total babe when all is said and done.
3. Texas A&M Announced the Transition from Pepsi to Coca-Cola
The announcement everyone had been waiting for, despite the fact that A&M has half a decade left of its contract with Pepsi. Watching people learn the truth behind this charade was like watching a child learn the truth about Santa. Hilarious.
This year featured some big events, if you consider a former student body president rising from the dead and writing letters about the seedy underbelly of TAMU politics a big event. It also gave us a chance to see that if you put your mind to it, you can do whatever you want—even impeach the student body president. House of Koldus continued to entertain.
5. Literal Boot Chasers Terrorized Campus
As the cold winter weather crept its way out of College Station, Boot Chasers crept back in. While there’s nothing like watching a man in uniform, there’s also nothing like watching a man in uniform run for his life. MRS Degrees aren’t awarded, they’re won in battle.
6. Century Treeson
Spitting in the face of a century’s worth of tradition (a running theme this semester), two students took to showing their love by etching their names into the century tree and onto the hate list of Aggies everywhere. While it was likely the work of two star-crossed lovers, as Aggies we can never rule out our good tree-hugging friends in Austin.
7. A New SBP was Elected
This was the year of the KKKK in TAMU SGA. Kyle Kelly and Kasey Kram ran the Student Body President Elections like the quality of student life may actually depend on it. After doing research on presidency and the effects of hair loss, another strong candidate, Richmond Howard, dropped the race. Using the hashtag #youcoulddoworse, Johnny Gustafson became the most written-in candidate in Texas A&M history, while our own endorsed candidate, Bailey Burrus, sold students on his vision of dining dollars in the Post Oak Mall. #GigtheVote
When you think of Easter, what comes to mind? Did you say awkwardly sitting on the lap of a man dressed as the Easter Bunny? Then your childhood was as scarring as ours. We like to think every good season of Easter deserves an egg hunt and we gave Texas A&M a hunt indeed. We hid over 300 easter eggs on campus. It was a great day for the site and everyone involved . . . except for that one dude who walked under the Century Tree for a special egg.
10. The UT Class Ring
I think one of our commenters summed things up well: “Nothing more pathetic than a bunch of 40 somethings with a closet full of maroon, orange, red and black or whatever who have nothing better to do than to hang onto the glory days of college. Get a life!” It’s people like you, who constantly inspire us to keep writing. So, thank you, comments section.
11. The A&M Football Team Kept Getting Arrested
It was a great semester to be a College Station police officer. There is a rumor that next year at football games, they will just show the players mugshots during their introduction, since those are their most recent photos. Here’s hoping that Kenny Hill is able to pull a JFF and turn an arrest into a Heisman campaign.
The cat is out of the bag. Now all we have to do is put that cat on a taco and put that taco on the actual Fuego menu. We’ll call it…Fuego del Gato. If you ever order a Ron Swanson or heck, even a Mugdown taco, think of us when you eat it. Just don’t be weird about it.
See the Post by Fuego Tortilla Grill.
Since we started just over three months ago, we have been read in over 100 countries. We have had stories published from Paris, London, and even College Station! It has been a privilege to serve the A&M community, and we are only going to get larger and funnier as time goes on. I hope that terrifies you as much as it does us. We may have created a monster; a hilarious and topical monster, who is, as we mentioned earlier, still single.
Of the many dining options on Texas A&M University’s campus, there is one that stands tasty and strong six days of the week, 313 days a year. The Commons and Underground dining areas on campus are both home to beloved mini Chick-Fil-A Express restaurants.
They serve the basics—chicken sandwiches, tenders, nuggets, and those waffle fries that will make you forget that other types of waffles even exist.
However, one freshman resident of the Commons dorm Krueger Hall claims that he is swearing off chicken sandwiches for life because of his frequent consumption of the supposed delicacy.
“All my upperclassman friends told me that I would get tired of those sandwiches, and I never believed them,” business major Cole Heifer said. “But it happened. Now I can’t even smell them without wanting to gag.”
With the end of the semester fast approaching, it is not surprising that the campus food is getting a bit overdone on the pallets of students.
“I’ve eaten at the Commons Chick-Fil-A every day over the last semester,” Alexis Fredrickson, freshman international studies major, said. “I’m not even sad when it’s closed on Sundays anymore.”
Because of the convenience, the Commons food court is heavily visited by its residents. While there are four options, Chick-Fil-A is normally tried and true. But the flavor of the chicken is constant and unexciting, boring students to chicken sandwich death.
One RA from Aston Hall gave some insight on how to keep the chicken fresh and delicious.
“You just gotta get creative with the sauces,” junior math major Jacob Arnold said. “Combining the ranch and Chick-Fil-A sauce gives everything whole new life!”
He also made the comment that he has been a resident of the Commons since his freshman year and has learned the secrets of sauce mixology.
As the last week of the semester passes, many students will fail to cope with their campus food woes. Before barring the franchise forever when dealing with the Commons’ Chick-Faux-Lame sandwiches, remember to not hate the chicken-loving player, hate the Commons’ limited food options game.
-Lone Star Lady
In a bold but expected move, The Goodbull Newspaper filed all the necessary paperwork with the University Wednesday to become the official rival of the Battalion newspaper.
Editor-in-chief, Lauren Felder, told the Mugdown that the decision was made after a lot of careful thought and several trips to Northgate.
“Rivalries are a longstanding part of tradition here at A&M,” Felder said. “Our name basically means tradition, what does the Battalion mean? Is that a tradition?”
The documents were filed shortly before the close of business on Wednesday, April 30 and were processed early this morning. Student Activities director, Russell Thompson approved the request with a rubber thumbs up stamp to endorse the rivalry’s inception.
Former Goodbull editor-in-chief, Aaron Mitchell, shared his thoughts through twitter. As the founder of the new newspaper, Mitchell is the biggest proponent of the new rivalry.
“If Tradition was an official seal that grew in the grass of the MSC, The Batt would walk all over it,” Mitchell’s tweet read.
The Battalion was contacted for a comment but on the grounds of not wanting to dignify the news with a response, editor-in-chief Jake Walker was brief.
“No comment,” Walker said as he published his latest opinion piece from the bully pulpit.
The rivalry between the 121-year-old Battalion and the independent new kid on the block will inevitably shake things up on campus for the estimated five percent of students who read printed newspapers. The University has already invested in riot gear if the papers lead to tearable issues.
Early this morning, University officials called an emergency meeting following the surprising discovery of an ancient manuscript. Russell Bormann, sophomore Ocean Engineering major and Muster model, stumbled upon the document late Tuesday evening and quickly reported his find to campus authorities.
“I came to Cushing in hopes of seeing my favorite author, George R.R. Martin, who I believed was to be hosting a seminar here,” Bormann said. “Turns out, the conference was actually last year and no one bothered to take the banners down.”
Disappointed by his tardiness, Bormann reportedly wandered around Cushing in order to “soak in all the blessed Aggie spirit” and while leafing through the “1894 Corp of Cadets Handbook”, came across a tattered document.
Bormann immediately solicited the assistance of Nicolas Garcia, the student worker on duty that evening.
“At first, I thought it was a hoax,” Garcia said. “But as I read the page I knew we had come across an authentic piece of Texas A&M history.”
As of this morning, Cushing Memorial Library and its immediate vicinity have been blocked off by campus authorities in order to conduct a thorough search of the premises. Additionally, the banners advertising George R.R. Martin’s exhibit have since been removed to avoid further confusion.
No official statement has been released regarding the manuscript, but copies have reportedly been sent to scholars across the country to verify its authenticity and assist in deciphering its contents. Rumored recipients include Nathan Godsby (professor of Linguistic Anthropology, Cambridge), Michael Kelly (Renowned expert in Historical Hermeneutics), Dan Brown (author, “The Da Vinci Code”), Nicolas Cage (Academy Award winner, expert riddle solver in National Treasure 1 and 2), and George R.R. Martin himself.
The Mugdown team has managed to acquire a copy of the manuscript, and we’ve assembled our own panel of experts in an attempt to unlock the hidden mysteries contained therein. Below, you will find both a copy of the document in it’s entirety as well as a translation of what we have best determined it to say, and now we offer you, the readers, the opportunity to unravel its meaning and significance.
We are offering a reward to whomever can solve the cryptic message and decode the plethora of riddles it contains.
The Broken Twelve and two instead, departed yet by South and East,
Forsaking Ross’s ashen shed, where Rebels, Tide, and Tigers feast,
And one will rise upon that day, October’s prophet, here at last,
Deliver unto us he may, the bronzen sacred idol cast,
And once complete the prophet’s trial, the time to come is near at hand,
We usher in the Age of Kyle, a golden day in Aggieland!
So cast ye down the mortar spires, brick by brick, rebuild anew,
Enclosed, the colosseum requires, shouts and cries of Hullabaloo!
And hence the Gate of North emits, corrupted plots within our poll,
Upon the throne of Koldus sits, the Emerald King to take his toll,
The final key of Kyle cries, for in the prophet’s wake he bid,
Comes forth when POWER’s echo dies, The Captain of the Iron Grid…
And thus concludes my solemn piece, this lucid word of Kyles three,
May soon they rise and striffling cease, for one, for all, for T-A-M-C.
- This is what you’re supposed to be doing right now.
- But sometimes you’d rather just take a nap than study.
- Sometimes you’d rather just give up.
- All you want to do is go out and play.
- Your “responsible” friends try to motivate you.
- But you can’t help but blow them off.
- All those late night Netflix binges are catching up to you.
- And you swear the whole world is working against you.
- Or maybe you really are a little bit lazy.
- Maybe you are a little pathetic.
- MAYBE you should take a good hard look at yourself.
- Sure, try to drink the problem away. Not the first time you’ve done that.
- But alcohol only makes you realize that you’re doomed for failure.
- So go ahead and cry.
- Your parents never believed in you anyways.
-Honey Bear and Cactus JackFollow @BigOldHoneyBear