To Revote the Yell Leader Revote, 5 For Yell Announces Plans for a New University

5 For Yell has announced plans to build an alternate university where they will be the yell leaders. After raising concerns about the old voting system, 5 For Yell decided to hold its own election. The unfavorable results of their independent election, where 5 For Yell once again did not sweep, made the current and prospective yell leaders wonder why they could not win.

“After thinking about it, we realized that it was the university, not the voting system, that was flawed,” Head Yell Leader Patrick McGinty said. “Keeping with our can-do spirit and willingness to adapt, we have decided to start a new university where we will hold yet another yell leader election.”

MSC President Ryan Trantham, the election commissioner of the revote, will serve as president of the new university.

“There’s a lot that goes into starting a university,” Trantham said. “Step one is to find a name. So far we like Yell Leader U, Yelltopia, and Texas A&M Re-University”

McGinty said the plan is to secede the Quad and start from there, possibly expanding into South Side Garage. He expects the Corps to be supportive of this decision.

“We gave the cadets an offer to join us that they couldn’t refuse,” McGinty said. “Everyone who secedes with us gets a bag-in tomorrow.”

Michael K. Young, future Texas A&M president, was disappointed to see 5 For Yell want to leave but hopes that Texas A&M can continue without them.

“Sure, I’m gonna miss those guys, but I won’t even live on campus so it doesn’t make much of a difference to me either way,” Young said.

McGinty wanted to reaffirm that there will be no hard feelings between the two universities and that 5 For Yell still has the utmost respect for Texas A&M and its traditions, even though their new university will be better at traditions.

“As much as it pains me to say goodbye to this fine institution, we would be jeopardizing the integrity of the organization and process if we allowed these results to stand,” said McGinty.

-War Hymnal

Sully Goes Bankrupt, “Living on Pennies a Day”

There is no tradition more famous here in Aggieland than that of leaving one’s spare change at the feet of arguably the most progressive president this university has ever seen. However, the widely known A&M tradition has left this Aggie Icon on the streets.

It was discovered late Saturday evening that Texas A&M University’s beloved Lawrence Sullivan Ross, or more familiarly known as Sully, was forced to file for bankruptcy after missing multiple payments on his near-foreclosed home. Although university officials were unaware of his financial struggles, Sully has cited poor income as the reason for his filing.

“For years, pennies a day was enough, but since the Market crashed in ’08, surviving penny to penny was no longer a sensible means of living,” Sully said in an interview with KBTX’s own Clay Falls.

Recent complaints had been filed with the campus Human Resources Department by Sully asking that his pay be adjusted in accordance with the federal minimum wage, but they were quickly denied.

Shortly after his original denial, Sully submitted a request that his pay at least be adjusted for inflation. This change would have required students to leave as much as $0.26 per visit. The administration did not look favorably on this request either.

“Over a quarter per test is not fair to the students because luck is a hard find nowadays. His line of work is no longer necessary here, but the decision was no easier for us than it was for him,” said Human Resources Director Gayle Mudd.

It is unknown as to whether or not Sully, who has since resigned, will look for other means of income. Fellow Aggie Icon and dear friend of Sully, E. King Gill commented on his recent dismissal from the university as an “absolute travesty and an unfortunate loss.” Gill remains optimistic about Sully’s future, however, noting that he has “all the faith in the world that Sully will land on his feet.”

Gill, who is most revered for his role in establishing Texas A&M’s 12th Man tradition, was suspended without pay after his comments, but no statement has been made by the university regarding the timetable of his return. There is still no word as to whom may take Sully’s place, but we can only wonder if such a firing will cause financial tension amongst other university staff.

Mudd has advised students to continue focusing their efforts on their studies, but we at The Mugdown know it will not be an easy adjustment as tradition means more to the students than anyone.

– E. King Trill

Sororities to Implement New Screening Process for Pledges

With over 900 potential new members this past Fall, sororities are feeling the pressure of a growing incoming Freshman classes. While more members means more resources for philanthropy, sororities are starting to worry about their organizational identities with the minimum acceptance rate.

“We really do love so many of the girls that come through recruitment, but it’s so hard to decipher who truly embodies our core values when we only get two minutes to talk to each girl,” Danielle Smith comments on her experience last Fall.

With recruitment workshops already in full swing, sororities are introducing some new tactics in the selection process to help narrow down the possibilities for this upcoming Fall 2015 recruitment week.

The Collegiate Panhellenic Council (CPC), the coordinating body of the twelve sororities at Texas A&M,  has teamed up with the popular jewelry company Kendra Scott. This allows sororities to scan the names of potential new members into the system and mark out the ones who have made less than three purchases from the company. Officers within sororities are optimistic about how this data will improve the “Big-Little” pairing process.

The CPC is also introducing a new step in the recruitment process: the Starbucks Showdown. Potential new members must study the extensive holiday menu from Starbucks and create a drink order that will be judged on number of syllables, sugar and calorie content, flavor pairings, and amount of extra time it takes a barista to make the drink. Bonus points will be awarded if the barista cannot pronounce the name.

It’s going to be an exciting year in the sorority world, and we are all anxiously awaiting the day that rush turns into the Greek Life equivalent of the Hunger Games.

Until then, drink on my friends*.

-Panda Expressions

*Just don’t drink too much or you’ll get sent to standards!

Formula Discovered for Perfect Yell Leaders

Researchers at A&M have discovered the formula for the perfect Yell leaders. After many years of hard work studying the physics, mathematics and theory behind leading yells, it was discovered that the single most important attribute of a Yell leader is, in fact, being a white, non-denominational Christian male.

“After countless tests, white non-denominational Christian males just have the kind of qualities that make them natural yell leaders—it’s in their blood,” said head researcher Dr. John Hardy.

Hardy went on to clarify that Mormons, Protestants, Lutherans and other denominations, though undoubtedly great specimens, do not make the cut.

“There are a variety of reasons why white Christians excel at yell leading: maleness establishes dominance and power; fair skin and large hands aid in nighttime visibility; high cheekbones provide an aerodynamic face conducive for yelling; height for a superior vantage point in order to loom over others, and a sonically booming voice that can be heard all the way from the nosebleeds,” said assistant researcher Brian Wilson.

Other crucial factors include having exactly one black friend, listening to country music, being in the corps, and acting semi-tolerant of others.

Using a complex sorting algorithm, the Corps compares the ideal qualities to those of the candidates in order to select the five ideal nominees. Despite their best efforts, the system is not without its flaws.

“There are some kinks that need to be worked out. Sometimes we get a minority, or a Lutheran, or someone under six feet but we don’t know why. We’re just trying our best,” said Dr. Hardy

Now, only time will tell whether or not popular opinion aligns with science.

-Plug Down For Watt

Snapchat Blindness Outbreak: How You Can Help

Outstretched arms, unnatural facial expressions, and complete lack of social awareness. All the symptoms are here for Snapchat Blindness (SCB). This recently discovered disease is taking universities by storm and Texas A&M is no exception. As a result of the instant photo sharing application, students everywhere have been running into objects, people, and worse.

We recently talked to a student whose snapchat blindness cost him his future. At the request of the student, his name will remain anonymous (he still refuses to tell his parents).

The student, a freshman, was headed down Military Walk after grabbing dinner at Sbisa with his friends.

“As usual, I began taking a snapchat to share with my pals, when something terrible happened. And no, it’s not my snapchat score. Just as I snapped the picture, something in the photo caught my eye. I looked closer, glanced at the ground and realized I was standing in the center of the Military Walk Seal,” said the student.

“I’m a third generation Aggie so I knew what it meant right away. Walking on the seal means I will never graduate,” he said.

He asked that we share his story so that others may take heed and not be forced to spend a life taking classes, working hard, while being unable to graduate.

This terrible disease can lead to all sorts of afflictions including tripping, slowed movement, and most commonly, running into objects directly in front of you. Everywhere you look, students are crashing into objects and one another, all blinded by their attempt to take yet another snapchat.

This is why we need your help. You can stop this. Most experts recommend, in order to prevent snapchat blindness (SCB), that students not use the app while in motion or in public.

If SCB has affected a friend or a loved one, please ask them to do the same. Use kind language and suggestions such as, “Look out!” or “WTH are you doing with your face?” Anything to keep them from becoming another victim of this cruel disease.

It is up to you to make a difference. It is up to you to save Texas A&M.

-A Midsummer Night’s Yell

Beautiful Playing in the MSC Flag Room Makes Youth Doubt Self Worth

The MSC flag room is a cozy spot frequently visited by students hoping to relax, unwind, and study.  The seating options are plentiful, the chairs themselves comfortable, the lighting moody, the decor lovely, the atmosphere homey, the people friendly, and the piano playing beautiful.

Yesterday, however, it was discovered that the soothing music was perhaps a bit too beautiful for a certain Dylan McKinney, a junior business major from Beaumont, Texas. Yes, the reason that so many choose to study here has become a cause for distress to the young student.

“You see,” said McKinney, “I know the pianist is supposed to be good, but this guy—this guy was something else. As soon as he started playing, I stopped my studying and started doubting everything I’ve ever done.”

The piano has been a staple to the MSC flag room since its inception in 1951. In that time, thousands of players have graced the piano’s keys to play Mozart, Beethoven, and the occasional Disney.

When asked to elaborate, McKinney simply said, “I don’t know man…I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. This whole college thing may not be good for me”.

Strangely, McKinney is not alone. The music seems to have affected quite a few others, all of whom reported similar feelings of despair, anguish, self-loathing, doubt, anger, and self-pity.

The mysterious musician has not been found or identified, but the school is taking the necessary precautions, such as increasing security at every piano at the school, to ensure the safety of its students.

-Plug Down for Watt

Senior Finishes Netflix

After finishing the last episode of “Paranormal Home Inspectors,” senior James Werther realized that he had watched the totality of the Netflix library. There were no shows to be recommended. There were no hours to be procrastinated. It was finished.

“I kind of have mixed feelings about it. I mean, it is a pretty big deal to finish Netflix, but I have no idea what to do with my time now,” said Werther. “I guess I could try homework, but let’s be honest for a second—my options are basically limited to naps and Buzzfeed.”

Werther has spent the majority of his afternoons and evenings working on his goal of completing the Netflix library. He suffered through countless documentaries and foreign language dramas, but he says it was all worth it.

“To be honest, I am proud of my accomplishment,” said Werther. “It started off as a way to kill time, but eventually turned into a passion—an obsession.”

Now that his goal is completed, Werther has turned his attention to bigger things—like the classes he has neglected for the last three and a half years.

“Netflix was great, but ultimately, as a mechanical engineer, I think I have some catching up to do,” said Werther. “I’m pretty sure I have about three or four textbooks to read and a couple group projects I completely ignored, but hey, if I can finish Netflix, I can do literally anything.”

Werther’s favorite shows include “House of Cards,” “Breaking Bad,” and all seven seasons of “Gilmore Girls.” During our interview, we mentioned that Netflix would be adding the third season of “House of Cards” later this month.

Werther was shocked and said, “Well, guess I will have to graduate a semester later.”

Netflix refused to comment on the accomplishment, but we believe Werther was the first to complete the entire Netflix library.

Werther accepted a job with Exxon Mobile as a chemical engineer and will be starting work in fall of 2015.

-Cactus Jack


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