Rev's Ad Space

University Sells Ad Space on Reveille’s Shawl

In the age of commercialism, it can be easy finding money to fund the largest stadium in the SEC. New stadiums are not cheap, but they can be if your values are. Studies have shown that the best way to finance a large, elite athletics program is to take the most iconic, most traditional, most respected representations of your university and market the s*** out of them.

It recently came to the University’s attention that Reveille VIII had a large amount of unused space on her shawl. Under the supervision of Jason Cook, a small marketing team fresh out of Wehner High knew just how to capitalize on what previously had been wasted potential.

Rev's Ad Space

“We actually drew our inspiration from NASCAR,” said Senior Associate Athletics Director for External Affairs, Jason Cook. “It was not easy finding a sport more heavily saturated with advertising than football. The work they do there is breathtaking.”

Nothing says Texas A&M more than beloved mascot Reveille VIII, and nothing begs for a cash grab like the already highly televised First Lady of Aggieland. However, with the increasing competition from universities to out “bigger and better” each other, Texas A&M is looking to capitalize on more of the University’s famous icons.

Coming soon to campus will be the newly remodeled WWE Academic Thunder-DomeTM where you can purchase your new Bed, Bath & Beyond 12th Man Towel-ettesTM while snacking on some tasty Kellogg’s Century Tree-tsTM.

Now if only we could get Coca-Cola.

-Honey Bear

Don’t forget to put a penny or two on Sully as you leave; five percent of your donation will be passed along to the Susan G. Komen Make-A-Salvation Foundation Nation Club.

Starbucks 6

Basic White Girls Literally Can’t Handle Starbucks Line

It is no secret that Starbucks is in high demand at Texas A&M. Since the MSC brought the franchise to campus in 2013, it has been clear that Aggies’ appetites could not be satiated with only one decent on-campus coffee center. The Texas A&M student body rejoiced when the school announced the replacement of Evans Library’s Poor Yorick’s with Starbucks this past summer.

However, this cause for celebration quickly became a thorn in the side of a special population on Texas A&M’s campus: Basic White Girls. You know who they are. If you do not have a good image of this person, look in the the Evans Library Starbucks line for the girl in yoga pants and an oversized t-shirt with a face contorted into the perfect Snapchat to send to her BFF. If that does not help you, it is likely because this describes every girl in line, as well as some of the boys.

The line at Starbucks has grown into a source of contempt among many on campus, but the arguably most affected are the baristas.  Karen Westwood, former full-time barista, reminisced on her time working in a place she described as a hellhole.

“I lasted for the first week, but then I had to quit,” said Westwood, “I couldn’t stand the stress, knowing that any moment somebody might throw coffee in my face.” Luckily for the baristas that remain, the lovely women in line value their sweet black nectar of life over steaming vigilante justice.

The real question is why these unsatisfied customers continue to return. Five weeks into the semester, the demand for coffee remains high whilst the supply remains low. Economics major, Michael Hendricks, admitted that the Evans Library Starbucks was the best argument for capitalism he had witnessed since he attended the meeting for Aggie Conservatives this past week.

“It’s amazing how faithful people are to a good product,” Hendricks said, “my Twitter feed will be full of people who ‘literally can’t even’ over the Starbucks line, and, the very next day, I will see those same individuals walking out of the library with white chocolate mochas in hand.”

In response to the high-pitched whines of basic girls across campus, the Evans Library Starbucks has promised to hear out every last, screeching complaint.

“The customer is always right,” said manager, Renaldo Montoya, “so in the coming weeks, we will be implementing a line cut-off. Once the line reaches a certain length, we will no longer allow others to step in, thereby guaranteeing the shortness of the line!” Mr. Montoya assures us that his plan is fool-proof.

The Mugdown did confirm that this cut-off will be defined by physical space and not head-count. Therefore, it will be to everyone’s advantage to ensure that only the Skinny(est) Latte lovers get in line.

-Lonely Lighter

Literal Boot Chasers


There is a college stigma that can ne’er be told, and it is the stigma of the infamous and elusive MRS Degree. Many young women invade Aggieland every year in search of the perfect man, and most agree that a uniform is one of the most attractive qualities a man can possess.

The phrase “boot chaser” is tossed around in College Station, and it is often applied to any girl who finds any member of the corps attractive and worthy of her attention. But as the years go by, the senior scramble hits. And with senior year comes the all too identifiable senior boots sported by the members of the corps.

Some of these ladies have taken this need to get their ring by spring from a member of the Corps of Cadets and are now chasing senior boys around campus in an attempt to woo them.

“It’s terrifying,” Joshua Redman, senior architecture major and corps member, admitted. “I never know when one [crazed young woman] is going to start running after me.”

Adopting the flock method that women have mastered for centuries, senior corps members have taken to traveling in packs so as to better protect each other.

“We have a few code words if we spot a girl running at us,” Greyson Barter said, a mechanical engineering major and senior cadet. “One word directs us to split up into more of a guerrilla style to hopefully confuse her. Another signals us to link up and move out. All of us are stronger than one of us.”

Barter declined to share what those words were.

One other cadet shared his traumatic story, but wished to remain nameless. He said that he was walking from his math class in Blocker when a woman chased him all the way to Evans Library before tackling him.

“She kept holding out her left hand, wiggling her ring finger, and pleading with me to take her to Yell,” he said. “But I couldn’t do that. First, because it’s spring semester, so we don’t have Yell Practice. And second, because she just assaulted me.”

Campus police are on watch for any senior corps cadet sprinting across campus in his boots. Any alleged “boot chasers” are asked to cease and desist or face consequences of public assault charges.

-Lone Star Lady

Reid Joseph

KOLDUSGATE: The Seedy Underbelly of TAMU Politics Revealed

This letter was delivered late last night, February 12th, to Mugdown HQ addressed from former Student Body President, Jeff Pickering. At first we did not think anything of it, that is until we opened it. The following are the unaltered contents of his letter:


If you received this package, that means that I am already dead. What I am about to reveal has cost me so dearly and will undoubtedly rip the very fabric of our beloved school. It all started so seemingly innocent and well-intentioned, but power got the better of us. Like a Bothrops Asper it slithered into the dark recesses of our hearts, poisoning all that it bit.

The contents of this package reveal the rampant corruption and political scandals that have festered under the nose of the A&M student body. Mark my words, the Illuminati may or may not exist, but it pales in comparison to the the true power players of Texas A&M. The seedy underbelly crawls all the way to the top.

Who do you think created the whole uproar about Johnny Manziel getting paid for his signatures? Who do you think would create rumors about Governor Rick Perry becoming A&M’s next president? Who do you think feeds the ducks at Research Park? It’s all just a dirty ploy to divert our attention as the Great Stage Magician pulls the real trick over our eyes.

It is what little I have left of a conscience that compels me to tell you details of the latest corruption. While it would be easier to say nothing, I must speak if we at Texas A&M are to remain free. It all started January 13th, 2014, Loftin’s last day.

I didn’t think things would go as far as they did, but like the Aggies running out of the tunnel at the football games, some men just love power.

And perhaps things wouldn’t have escalated if it weren’t for a man named Cary Cheshire. Unlike the other vermin I dealt with, he was no great illusionist. He was just a man that got in the way.

Almost everyone knew Cary. A handful even liked the guy. Most recognized him from serving as a campaign team assistant for the past two years’ second place SBP candidates – Thomas McNutt and Garrett Nerren.

I should have known that it was going to be Cary to spoil the plans. He was always looking for a fight. Well, he got one. He got one hell of a fight.

I was visiting the SGA office for old time’s sake when I saw a disheveled Bowen Loftin leaving Reid’s office. I knew something was afoot immediately.

Reid was sitting at his desk with his feet up and wearing a weird look on his face. One that I hadn’t seen before. Was it a smirk? I couldn’t tell. We made small talk for a bit. It didn’t last long.

He asked me what I knew about Kyle Kelly. I told him, “not much”. That wasn’t entirely true.

Obviously, Reid knew that I was a part of the Student Body President Club, and I suppose that if I’m already dead, you should know about the Club. As former student body presidents, we talk. There’s a secret handshake. A trapdoor in the MSC. Typical elitist secret society stuff.

Reid then explained to me that Kyle Kelly was the new man chosen by the SBPC to take over the regime. This was to be expected. He was in the unique position of being able to reach the Corps of Cadets, Maroon Coats, Fish Aides, and the Christian Bubble. His only flaw was that he was a Senior.

Reid told me that he knew exactly how to make this thing work, but that he had to go a bit higher up the food chain.

That explained Loftin.

I had a lot of questions. Could he even endorse a SBP candidate as former president? Did he even know Kyle?

Joseph saw my confused look and stopped me. He pulled out an envelope: large, manila, with a red string. The kind used for secrets. He didn’t tell me what was inside. But I knew. Every SBP knew. Hell, every administrator at the school knew about the blackmail the Board of Regents had on Loftin. I nodded, finally putting the pieces together.

Blackmailing the former president of a University was bold and unprecedented, but it wasn’t surprising. I’ve heard crazier SBP stories, but those I’m taking to my grave. Joseph pulled out a laptop and played the video of the endorsement Loftin had recorded just minutes ago.

I will admit it seemed entirely genuine. You could barely tell that Loftin was reading cue cards and had his ankles zip-tied to the leg of Joseph’s desk.

“Could you hear the whimpering at the beginning?” he asked me. I could not.

The smirk returned to his face and I shuddered.

At that moment, Cary Cheshire turned into the SGA office.

Reid stopped and stared out the small window on his door. We both heard Cary outside, but we didn’t know what he heard. Or rather, how much he heard.

One month later, all was well.

After a discussion with the SBPC, we came to the conclusion that Cary was unaware. I soon learned how truly wrong we were.

I awoke at 1:02AM to my phone buzzing from the one number I fear most – the private SBPC line. After the Cary run-in, I immediately assumed the worst. And I assumed correctly.

I answered the phone to hear an enraged Kyle Kelly and a crying Reid Joseph on the other end. After multiple attempts to calm the two down, Kyle Kelly was finally able to force out the name I knew was coming.

“Cheshire. Cary. Cheshire.”

“He knows, Jeff. He knows everything.” Reid breathed heavily into the red phone. “The club, the room, the scandals, the machine – JEFF, HE KNOWS!”

I wanted out, but it was too late. Like tissue I was being sucked down with the rest of the filth. You know what happened next. The whole campus knows what happened next. Cary Cheshire filed for impeachment – not exactly music to a Student Body President’s ears.

I told them to calm down, that we can maneuver through this. I knew that if we could handle the Claybrook 2013 scandal, we could handle anything. I told them to trust in the system and we would begin the damage control.

The plan came too easily. We needed to shift the blame off Reid and on to somebody else. Someone to serve as the scapegoat. Richmond Howard was perfect. He was Kyle’s biggest competitor and there was just something I didn’t like about that receding hairline. So we pulled out the biggest weapon we could bear – The Blue Book.

Our best friend and our worst enemy, the Book is what we live by. The Blue Book is the receipt of our politics. It contains the names and positions of people we owe and more importantly, the people that owe us. After flipping through the book, one name stood out – Jake Walker, Editor-In-Chief of The Battalion. He owed us, and he owed us big.

When he helped to expose the Josh Light scandal in 2012, he kicked a larger hornet’s nest than he realized. He was in trouble, and trouble is our business. It only took six Cadets and one conversation later and Jake was in our back pocket that fateful Spring day.

Now was the time to cash in.

By 2:00AM, Jake had a letter in his mailbox from his favorite ‘Grandma’ holding instructions on what to write and who to write. By 11:00PM the following night, Jake published an opinion piece, and the rest will be history.

We’ve gone too far. Cary thinks he got them, that he got us. But he is Icarus and we are the scorching sun that will set his wings ablaze. If there’s a God, I’ll have to beg his forgiveness.

If history is written by the victors, I hate to see what the textbooks will say. That is why I sent you this letter. Tell the students. Tell the city. Tell the state. The whole world must know the truth.


Jeff Pickering ‘12

Student Body President 2011-2012


Christian Bubble Bursts, Floods Reed Arena

COLLEGE STATION, TX — At Breakaway on Tuesday night, the Christian bubble at Texas A&M burst.

At the crescendo of the famous song by David Crowder, “How He Loves”, the bubble became so full of raised hands and loud voices that it simply could not hold up any longer. The pop echoed throughout College Station, causing waves in every fountain on campus.

“It was amazing,” Breakaway speaker Ben Stuart said. “I could really feel the Spirit moving.”

Reed Arena employees immediately called the fire department, as well as the company that dried the Blocker Building out to clean up the mess. Students were carried out on the backs of other students. The occasional “Carry each other’s burdens” resounded through the arena.

No serious injuries have been reported, but tales of humble service have been flooding social media.

“PTL for the Godly man who rescued me from Reed tonight. Meet me at Mugwalls tomorrow?” tweeted sophomore psychology major Sarah Abrahams.

Speculation is heavy as to why the bubble suddenly burst on Tuesday. Jeff Johnson, worship leader of Breakaway, has reportedly played that song multiple times. The bubble had stayed intact until that moment.

Many believe the explosion is the result of recent massive expansion of the bubble. The release of Impact counselor emails on Monday and subsequent reveal nights have strained the wall of the bubble to its breaking point.

“Yeah, I was just at Breakaway with my new camp when we heard this huge pop and then total chaos—shout out to Omega Naphtali though!” John Mark Davidson, freshman RPTS major, said.

Whatever the reason, the bubble has burst. University authorities have taken steps to ensure the cleaning of Reed Arena. As for the bubble, students say that its flood is still persisting and will not be contained or controlled in the foreseeable future.

-Lone Star Lady

Coke vs Pepsi

Texas A&M to Transition from Pepsi to Coca-Cola

In a move that has shocked the campus, Texas A&M University Dining has announced that it will be severing ties with PepsiCo. In its place, University administrators have awarded rival company Coca-Cola Bottlers Consolidated the exclusive right to sell products on campus.

The University’s contract with PepsiCo, a multi-year partnership which began July 2010, is set to expire July 27, 2014. As many students have remarked, the contract comes just in time for the University to replace campus dining locations with new Coca-Cola products for the upcoming fall semester.

The new Coca-Cola contract will cover all fountain, can, and bottle drinks distributed on campus. This includes every university dining hall, convenience store, and vending machine, as well as all special events and athletic concessions.

“I am most excited that our newfound relationship with the men and women at Coca-Cola Bottlers is beginning before the completion of our new Kyle Field. Throughout our upcoming seasons, the 12th Man will be proud to enjoy Coca-Cola.” said Texas A&M Vice President for Finance and Administration, B.J. Crain.

While neither the University nor Coca-Cola have currently stated the amount of the official bid, A&M’s Division of Finance and Administration predicts the value to be upwards of $27.5 million. However, they have since redacted the statement disclosing that the exact amount is still being negotiated.

Crain has since announced that the University and Coca-Cola fully intend to come to a reasonable and timely agreement, the details of which will be made public once they are approved.

Beginning at the inauguration of their exclusivity contract in late July, Coca-Cola will now claim rights to be the official soft drink of Texas A&M University.

The administration has called it “the first time in the University’s history where literally no one was upset with the decision…Well, except Pepsi.”

-Honey Bear

CONTACT          Jason Cook, APR

                                   Texas A&M Public Relations


                                   Mary Viola

                                   Pepsi Beverages Co. Public Relations

                                   979.458.1729 847.341.1603


Voting Guide Featured Image

Rock the Vote: Mugdown’s Guide to Fall Elections

With the year’s most anticipated election upon us, we take to social media to learn more about this years candidates. Where, besides Twitter, can one find valuable and objective information concerning a candidate’s viewpoints? Unless someone made a website for their Freshman Class President campaign, you probably can’t find it anywhere. That’s why the Mugdown is here to help. It’s time to Rock the Vote!

Screen Shot 2014-10-02 at 11.46.32 AMCampus may be rid of campaign banners, but social media is never safe.

The beauty of the fall election is that it doesn’t matter.

Scratch that. Actually, if you are a freshman or one of the dozens of people who weren’t elected in the spring, it may matter to you. I’m not saying that this election isn’t a big deal, voting is important. Mark my words, The Mugdown loves democracy. We just love the petty and over-the-top campaigning part of democracy the most.

With that, it’s time for some Freshman Class President Election campaign analysis courtesy of our friends over at #TAMU18.

Screen Shot 2014-10-02 at 11.47.53 AMYes. Freshman Class President.

Screen Shot 2014-10-02 at 11.51.12 AM
Be an informed voter. Go to for more pics of flaming footballs.


Just because you don’t have a website, doesn’t mean you don’t care. Take Donya for instance. Before you vote on Thursday, he wants you to, and I quote, “TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOUR PETS EVEN FAMILY LETS GET A BLACK GUY IN OFFICE IM NOT OBAMA THO!”

Now that is a promising candidate. Let’s go to Twitter and see what else he has to say.

Screen Shot 2014-10-02 at 11.52.42 AMRT to help Donya get punctuation.

Someone needs to remind these candidates that this is not a student body president election. What’s that? About half of these people are probably going to run for SBP in three years? Nevermind. Our next two candidates are using social media to push election facts.

Screen Shot 2014-10-02 at 11.53.28 AM
Putting money on this picture being recycled for his SBP campaign

Screen Shot 2014-10-02 at 11.54.04 AMI think he meant holla, but who knows? Holl could be some confusing new word, like Trill.

We saved the best for last. Actually, we legally cannot say that. Donya paid us good money to endorse him and this would be breaking our contract.

That last part isn’t true.

What is true is that it looks like the Corps may not make an endorsement this year, because two Fish Cadets are running. Also, who the hell gets endorsements when they are running for FRESHMAN CLASS PRESIDENT? But if I was a gambling man, I’d say O’Rourke probably has the advantage. Check out this tweet. He’s a servant, y’all.

Screen Shot 2014-10-02 at 11.54.40 AMPoor fish doesn’t know that we elect power hungry and insincere people every year . . . They’re called senators.

You may be wondering why we didn’t cover senate elections. If you are, you’re probably campaigning for student senate yourself and just wanted the publicity. Don’t get your panties in a wad though. Even if you are elected, statistics show that you are probably going to drop out before your term anyway.

There’s a special club for people that last a full term. It meets at O’Bannons and it’s run by Cary Cheshire.

Sorry for the rant. I’m a bit jaded. Now that you are an informed voter, the choice is yours. There is a pointless election today and a bunch of freshmen that want your vote are waiting.

Be a good Ag and go to today and tomorrow. Election results should be announced Friday evening after all 200 votes have been counted.

-Cactus Jack


Kyle Field Scoreboard Adds 15 Pounds

After complaints by fans that the scoreboard added the Freshman 15 a bit too early in the year, the Kyle Field media staff took a hard look at their equipment to make sure everything was square.

The video board, now the largest in the country, was made to maximize image quality, but the unintended consequence was maximizing several people’s beer bellies.

University officials were not able to determine what is causing the image to appear so wide until Friday evening. Trying to avoid culpability, several university administrators pointed to other flaws on campus to shift blame.

“I would take a good hard look at dining services,” said Athletic Director Eric Hyman. “Some of them look like the students who ate the 12th Man.”

Dining services quickly pushed the blame away from themselves, citing evidence that outsourced food actually decreases students appetites.

“Because the lowest dining option is $600, many students don’t even eat on campus,” Fred Wencel, the Senior Director of Food Operations, said. “I would be surprised if the weight gain was our fault. We try to deter students from eating on campus.”

After a week of finger-pointing and name-calling the problem was finally discovered. It turns out that a ridiculously rectangular screen was stretching the image. Because of the image crisis, 12th Man Productions immediately made the shift to a new experimental camera developed by a joint task force of engineering students and the liberal arts college.

The shift in camera equipment will only have minor costs, allowing the projected total to be $200 million to switch to the new cameras. It will be added to the Kyle Field Redevelopment budget.

Screen Shot 2014-09-29 at 10.37.38 PM

-Commons Lobbyist

Screen Shot 2014-09-25 at 1.12.14 AM

LLAC: How to Like Football If You Don’t Like Football – A Girl’s Guide

The Lonely Lighter Advice Column on:
How to Like Football If You Don’t Like Football – A Girl’s Guide

Hey Lonely,
I have an embarrassing confession: I can’t like Aggie Football. I know; I’m a total two-percenter, but I have really tried. There are so many rules, and it’s so hot at games. Last week, I faked passing out because I wanted to leave early when all my friends wanted to stay! I’m desperate, and for the next three months, my social life is revolving around this issue. Do you have any advice on how to fake it better or maybe even become a little more redass?

Thanks & Gig ‘Em (is that what I’m supposed to say?),
Practically Skim

Hey Skim,
Alright, I’ll be honest. I usually don’t help two-percenters, but the less of you there are, the better. Plus, your willingness to change makes you, like, slightly more palatable. Hopefully, these tips will help you to actually enjoy the best four hours of your week.

  1. Let’s talk pre-kickoff.

One thing that always works in any boring situation is hydrating. Everyone feels more comfortable with a drink in hand! While water will make the games less physically miserable, alcohol will make the games more mentally tolerable. You choose which is more important.


Additionally, free food is a major plus for tailgates. You don’t have to contribute anything except a few semi-real friendships with the hosts. Honestly, tailgates are the only place I can think of that will give you legitimately delicious and completely free food. All of this is great, but the real best part about tailgates is all the small talk you get to enjoy with people who you never see and don’t care about.

  1. Don’t hate the players, hate the game (if you have to).

If you haven’t noticed yet, there are some fine specimens of manliness running around in front of you. Not only are they naturally (Sorry, but that ain’t natural, honey. That’s hours in the gym everyday.) ripped, but the pads they are wearing accentuate just about everything.

Exhibit A – #38 Drew Kaser:

Drew Kaiser
Drew Kaser 2

If those eyes and that smile don’t just hit you in the heart, then maybe you haven’t looked at his butt. (Also, he is now a Heisman contender according to Toast with Toates — that’s like the football equivalent of being America’s Next Top Model.)

Exhibit B – #20 Trey Williams:

Trey Williams

Okay, stop staring at those arms and notice how good he is with children! Have you ever seen a happier baby?

Exhibit C – #56 Mike Matthews, #96 Jay Arnold, and #1 Brandon Williams:

Mike Matthews
Mike Matthews via
Jay Arnold
Jay Arnold via Brent Zwerneman
Brandon Williams
Brandon Williams via

Girl, I don’t know your life, but maybe those first two didn’t do it for you. Maybe you’re not a butt-loving, child-caring girl; maybe you’re into luscious locks. Jay Arnold recently took a bold move with his mullet/beard combo and is honestly rocking it. Now, people get their hair cut all the time, but Mikey and Brandon have the kind of hair that softly tells you to put away the scissors and run your fingers through it slowly and tenderly.

  1. When the Aggies score, we score.

Boyfriends are great. Boyfriends during football season are better. Not only do you have the promised make-out session of Midnight Yell the night before, but during the game, when the Aggies put points on the board, your S.O. puts points on your board, if you know what I’m sayin’ (;

Okay, you probably have no idea what I am saying because that made no sense at all. Basically, Aggies score = stadium-wide PDA. I know you never thought the day would come at such a conservative school, but with as many points as we are putting up each game, this whole impromptu make-out thing is getting pretty commonplace. Yummy.

Awkward Kiss

Added Bonus: Maybe your boyfriend will even love you enough to teach you a few things about football.

  1. Fake it ‘til you make it.

Last, but certainly not least, there are some key phrases that will work at any game at almost any time that will not only help you feel smart, but might actually convince those around you that you actually are. Forget understanding, just yell stuff. Most of the time the noise is appreciated.


Use the following lines any time you need to trick your friends into thinking you know what’s going on:

    • Pull this jewel of wisdom out if people start chanting “Wrecking Crew”. Also… CHANT WRECKING CREW like all the time
  • “WHOOP!”
    • Just let it out randomly when the crowd seems excited.
    • If you’re a freshman or sophomore, then opt for the half-hearted “Woo!” to avoid pushing, because freshmen do NOT whoop. That’s bad bull, and bad bull loses games. And trust me, we don’t want to lose games.
    • If the crowd seems upset, shouting this one is guaranteed to have people turning to agree with you.
  • “GET ‘EM!” and/or “GO! GO! GO!”
    • Use these, well, whenever anyone is running, really.
    • For extra points, gauge the crowd’s reaction when the running stops. Use the appropriate “WHOOP!” or “WHO PAID THESE REFS?” to start a Super Combo!

With these few tips, you will be able to fool at least the other dirty two-percenters you’ll probably be standing with. Here’s to hoping you bump up to at least a three-percenter.

With love,
Lonely Lighter
Have your own questions? Need a little life advice? We’ve got great news for you! Lonely Lighter answers questions from schmucks like you every week! If AskAgs scares you and you know your friends judge you, send your questions to!


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