Dear Westboro, Sincerely God

During last week’s severe storms, lightning simultaneously struck the grave of a deceased servicemen and a homosexual couple. The resulting fire relayed this message to the Most Holy of Congregations, the Disciples of Westboro Baptist Church.

My favorite followers, the holy and just members of Westboro Baptist Church:
           Throughout the history of My creation, I have given blessings to My chosen people. For thousands of years, the Jewish nation has assumed that it was they. After another thousand years of getting kicked around by the rest of the world, you would think they would get the picture. Get it together Jews. Clearly the chosen people that are foretold in the Old Testament are you, the proud people of Westboro Baptist Church. This is my message to thee.
           Unlike those of my blessed congregation that have received untold blessings, there is one nation that has actively worked against me and invoked my wrath: the heathens of maroon and white. The cursed Aggies of Texas A&M have openly opposed me. Ever since they formed that maroon wall around the military funeral my followers protested back in 2012, they have turned College Station into a modern Gomorrah.
           They have built up a religion of pigskin to raise up their own glory and prosperity. Trying to make their own promise land, they moved to the Southeastern Football Kingdom and tried to become like the other nations that resided there, spitting in my face. Following the leadership of the false prophets of Jonathan of the House of Football and General Sumlinius, they built up prestige and power. They performed ritualistic chants on a weekly basis, worshipping their pigskin gods. They spent untold riches and gold on building a larger temple to their god, Kyle. A temple that would contain an untold number of their pagan chants, led by their white clad prophets.
           Even the most juvenile followers of Me acknowledge my most important command: I hate fags. The Aggies have turned their back on my most treasured ideal and shown tolerance and understanding to these devils. They sit back and laugh as enemy makes progress in their crusade against me, and for that, I cannot forgive them. Since they refuse to show hate to these FAGS, I must show hate to them.
           I have done much to punish these people. I have banished their Prophet from the House of Football to a place he will never do harm to anyone, and have disposed of his disciple, plaguing the False Prophet of Trill with unruliness and distraught. After an unfortunate victory against the warriors of the Southern Kingdom of the Realm of Carolina, I have thrown their idolized football squad into disarray, and punished them justly, crushing them with a Crimson Tide, much like I wiped away the Egyptian Army with the crushing tide of the Red Sea. Their victory over the tigers was just a tease, for my wrath will not truly strike until my chosen people invade their town.
          Not just the Gomorrah that is College Station shall be punished, but the whole peoples of Texas. I have started a plague of Ebola in Dallas, one that will teach these Aggies the folly in their ways. This sign should be clear enough for them that a sickness in Dallas is a clear condemnation of a university several hours away, whose foundational ideals I oppose. But just to be safe, I am sending you, my blessed people to carry this message to them on November the Tenth. If they do not stop their ways, people in a totally different city will die. Obviously.

Go my children. Go and tell them of their folly.

Sincerely,
God

-Beutel Call

Student Asked to Remove Thinking Cap in MSC

The Flag Room in the MSC lost its studying allure after several students were asked to leave for disrespecting tradition. Last night, junior Griffin Bronson donned his invisible thinking cap to study for his PHYS 218 midterm but was promptly accosted by the self-proclaimed tradition guard, Andrew Portsmith.

The exchange became heated minutes later, when Portsmith told Bronson he was violating the sacred honor of the Memorial Student Center. Bronson was confused and became belligerent when Portsmith forced the issue.

“What are you talking about, dude?” said Bronson. “This is friggin stupid. Frick!”

Witnesses reported that Portsmith was patrolling the MSC, as he does every Monday night in his traditional tradition guard uniform — cargo shorts and a bonfire t-shirt.  For just the third time this semester, he spotted an open disregard for tradition and honor when Bronson and his friends put on their thinking caps.

Portsmith, an avid adherent of the law, decided to take it upon himself to inform the group that any head covering other than religious garments were prohibited.

Bronson reportedly motioned to the top of his head to “remove” the cap, but Portsmith did not believe that he had actually removed it. After violently swiping the air in hopes of knocking it off, Portsmith insisted that the group leave before he was forced to contact the Honor Council.

“I’m just glad I was there,” Portsmith told the Mugdown. “This New Army stuff has gone too far. What’s next? People responding ‘good’ to Howdy?”

-Commons Lobbyist

Sorority Test Bank Leaked, Comm Department Reeling

Texas A&M’s Department of Communication was rocked yesterday when the test bank held in the Delta Gamma sorority house was leaked to the public.

Delta Gamma has proudly acknowledged the existence of this test bank for many years, lauding it as a definite mark in DG’s favor during the tense decision time that is Sorority Recruitment.

The bank, which contained tests and papers for nearly every Comm class on A&M’s campus, was apparently loaned out by a new addition to the Delta Gamma family. Freshman Communication major Sara Hearths volunteered to share a select number of the tests with her first ever study group, but before she knew it, almost all of the tests had been copied.

“I didn’t expect them to take advantage of me so quickly,” Hearths said, tears filling her eyes as she remembered the situation.

Some of Hearths’ sisters witnessed the event, drawn by the noise of students greedily yelling out test questions and snatching the exams from each other. They compared the other students’ incredibly vicious attempts to get all of the answers for their college careers to a feeding frenzy filled with curiously blonde and perfumed sharks or a stampede of oversized t-shirt wearing wildebeest. Fights involving hair pulling broke out over the exams for Comm 357, which many of the students had heard was particularly challenging.

Alyssa Gooding, a Communications graduate student who works closely with professors in the Comm department, was disgusted by the leak.

“Aggies shouldn’t do this. It’s just not right,” Gooding said, eloquently expressing her distaste with the skills she learned through her communications degree.

“But what I find most despicable is the lack of respect for tradition. Some of these tests have been used for decades. If that’s not proof of the strength of Aggie traditions, I don’t know what is,” Gooding said.

Gooding explained that she feels bad for the professors who will now have to rewrite their exams, some for the first time since the university allowed women to become students in the early 1970s.

None of the Comm professors were available for comment, as they were busy reading the books from which they already teach.

-Revelicious

The 14 Best Aggie Halloween Costumes

Sexy Reveille
Requires: Dog ears, fur trimmed dress, maroon or white shawl (optional), and an open invitation for people to call you a b**** all night.
Reveille CostumeBonus for Couples: bring your handler and see how many interpret the costume as a statement on gender roles.

Sexy Corps Cadet
Requires: a sexy military uniform, or just a normal military uniform with less buttons as the night goes on.
Corps Cadet CostumeBonus for Class of 2015: wear your Senior Gogo Boots.

Sexy Yell Leader
Requires: a white jumpsuit and your skimpiest 12th Man Towel.
Yell Leader CostumeBonus: manage to turn a few yells into part of a drunk dance.

Sexy Loftin
Requires: a maroon bow tie, fake glasses, and a fake mustache . . . or a real one. Y’know, if you can grow one.
Loftin CostumeBonus: get someone to kiss you with your fake mustache on.

Sexy Sully
Requires: a fake beard and a literal ton of bodypaint.
Sully CostumeBonus: break even on the cost of the costume from all the pennies you get throughout the night.

Sexy Roughneck
Requires: even more body paint than Sully, high lace-up boots, construction helmet, and a chain to get creative with.
Roughneck CostumeBonus: stripper moves will guarantee that pretty much everyone who recognizes your costume buys you a drink…or at least sticks a few singles in your waistband.

Sexy Beutel Nurse
Requires: not much really. Just reuse your sexy nurse costume from last year, except this time with either a homemade Beutel sign or nametag. Don’t worry, if anyone asks for medical help, prescribe ice and rest.
Beutel NurseBonus: take a shot every time someone thinks you’re a sexy Ebola nurse.
Double Bonus: bring a pack of cigarettes to smoke on all your breaks.

Sexy Century Tree
Requires: I dunno. Just like some twigs and leaves you can pick up staggering around Northgate. You can just say it’s an Eve costume until you find enough.
Century Tree CostumeBonus: any hookups end in marriage.

Sexy Aggie Squirrel
Requires: fake ears, fake tail, matching dress, and an erratic personality.
Aggie Squirrel CostumeBonus: spend the evening making cracking various nut-related puns.
Double Bonus: find Sexy Century Tree and become best friends.

Sexy 12th Man Towel
Requires: large white towel and a few maroon markers.
12th Man CostumeBonus Points: add a Karate Kid shower costume to complete the look.

Sexy NG Ratchet
Requires: your usual NG attire but with even lower standards
NG Ratchet CostumeBonus: send pictures to all of your friends on SnapChat.

Sexy UPD Officer
Requires: sexy police officer uniform (available at literally any store this time of year) and a pair of handcuffs.
UPD CostumeBonus: ride a segway giving out fake tickets all night to Sexy NG Ratchet (there is a chance that more than one person will pick that costume).

Sexy Rapping Professor
Requires: Bose headphones and a water bottle.
Rapping Professor CostumeBonus: actually rap.

Sexy A&M Offense
Be the tease you are and never actually show up.

-Honey Bear

Senator Caught with Corps Escort

Senator Matt Gee is rising in popularity…but not in the election polls.

Senator Gee, in his first term as a Senator in the Off Campus caucus, was caught this past week in public with a Corps escort.

The Corps of Cadets operates an escort service providing members of the Corps to accompany lonely patrons around campus. The number is surprisingly accessible to all students and can be found on the back of every student ID card.

“I don’t understand why this is such a big deal…he simply walked me to Koldus,” Senator Gee said. “That was it. Nothing more.”

We think there is something more. Late last night, we received correspondence from another Student Senator confirming the rumors to not only be true, but worse than we first believed.

“Yeah, he calls the escort service all the time,” our anonymous source revealed. “He even has a burner phone just for those special calls.” When asked how he learned this information, the anonymous source muttered something about a missing cowboy hat and hung up the phone.

Corps 2

Mugdown asked Senator Gee how he thinks this will affect his chances to win in the midterm elections.

“We don’t have midterms here…” Senator Gee said.

Sounds like a defeated candidate to us. Senator Gee says he will continue to enjoy the escort service as normal and suggests all students to give it a try at least once.

“Nothing quite like having binders full of Cadets!”

-Sbisa Cookie

EAT, or DIE.
Join, or Die

Waffles (and a Wedding Ring) for Ags

Instead of the usual slurring of “Let’s go to Fuego!” or drunk girls screaming “Oh my gosh, this is my song!”, students may be hearing a new phrase on Northgate thanks to sophomore Biology major Ashley Smith.

In a town where the only late night bites include the ever popular Fuego, Taco Cabana or McDonald’s, Smith believed that something had to be done to bring the staple 24 hour, 7 days a week, open on all holidays Waffle House to College Station.

“Some of my fondest memories have been made in the horribly cleaned booths of a sketchy Waffle House at odd hours in the morning. Some of these experiences I do not remember, I’ll admit it,” said Smith. “But I do know that my All Star Special with scrambled eggs, a regular waffle, biscuits and gravy, sausage and a chocolate milk with water on the side is a staple in my late night diet, no matter how much regret I feel in the morning. And I knew that I needed to bring it to College Station.”

After spending “what seemed like hours” researching how to bring Waffle House to College Station, Smith figured out exactly how to do just that.

“In case you were unaware, which I’m sure you were, you cannot just decide to make a Waffle House. A current franchise owner is the only person who can create a new Waffle House. So I did what I had to do and found an owner and married the guy, making him promise to open a Waffle House in College Station.” said Smith. The nuptials were held over Spring break, including an open bar, a Fuego queso fountain and a Waffle House breakfast buffet for all.

The Waffle House will be built near the intersection of College Avenue and University Drive. Smith is unsure how this arrangement will work out due to the proximity of IHOP, but promises that “a drunk stomach prefers Waffle House to IHOP any day.”

Plans are in review to create a statue to forever memorialize the Aggieland deity for her hard work and sacrifice to bring consistently mediocre waffles to Ags.

-Marco Ovo Queso Polo

 

THE MUGDOWN TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of the Bye Week

The Blue Bell Factory in Brenham has had record sales this week due to Aggies “coping with” their emotions over the end of our short reign as a football dynasty. I guess you could say it has been a Rocky Road for A&M fans this year.

But hey, don’t listen to the haters, pay no attention to the rankings – those are what mean girls who lack confidence do to make themselves feel better.

You don’t have to break up with the team to have an excuse to give yourself a personal day. You don’t even have to take time off; bye week is built in there for you. Go to the spa, get your nails done, they’re probably bitten down to the quick after watching some of the games from this season.

We know Good Bull Hunting’s nails are gone. That’s why they needed someone to step up as they spend the next week and a half in tears. They needed someone who thrives on negative emotion, who positively rejoices when things have gone to hell. They needed professionals. They needed … THE MUGDOWN. And now, without further ado, The Mugdown is proud to present this week’s issue of THE TAILGATE.

Mugdown Tailgate Header

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