Students Fear Test Imminent when Class-Dodging Senior Spotted

Throughout history, civilizations have been brought to their knees at the hands of sickness and plague in both times of war and times of peace. This week, Texas A&M was brought low by one of the most dangerous illnesses of all: senioritis.

Senior poultry science major, Eric Wolf, has become infamous during his tenure at Texas A&M for attending only the minimum number of classes needed to pass. He is rarely seen by the general student body except when he comes to class for tests. Because of this notoriety, when Wolf was spotted on west campus last week near the Kleberg building, many students began to panic, fearing there could be a test they had forgotten.

“It’s always really scary and stressful when people say they’ve seen Eric Wolf,” said Carrie Elways, a sophomore animal science major. “Since Eric never goes to his classes, no one knows if they have a class with him or not. So if he’s on campus, we are all at risk.”

When Elways heard that Wolf had been seen, she rushed to check eCampus to make sure she hadn’t forgotten a test date. Thousands of other students had the same reaction, and this sudden and unexpected influx of online traffic caused the already painfully slow campus WiFi to crash. With nervous students all over campus now unable to know for sure whether or not they had tests, panicked mobs rushed to buy scantrons. These mobs of terrified students quickly turned to looting.

Prompted by the violent hordes beginning to rampage across campus, Code Maroon sent out a poorly-worded alert that read: “Wolf sighting on campus. Students are advised to evacuate to North.” Although this message did succeed in causing an evacuation (Aggies do not have to be told twice to go to Northgate), it increased the confusion and panic sweeping across campus.

With Texas A&M locked in the jaws of hysteria, hundreds of students called the Corps Escorts service in order to get back home safely. The demand for Corps Escorts was reportedly so high that Corps seniors were forced to walk with girls who weren’t even attractive. As the mayhem worsened, campus slowly regressed to a state of failure plagued by riots and using scantrons as currency. The Commandant of the Corps of Cadets soon issued an emergency statement.

“I am declaring an official state of martial law across all of Texas A&M,” The Commandant announced, “The Corps of Cadets will be deployed as a peace-keeping militia using TAMU Transit buses as mobile fortresses.”

Members of the Board of Regents have come out as strongly opposed to this plan. The Board claims that the Commandant plans to instate himself as a military dictator using his favorite students, the Aggie Band, as his secret police. Aggies who live on campus are advised to stay in groups, be in the dorms before the new curfew, pretend to take the Aggie Band seriously, and spend a few scantrons stocking up on essential supplies.
Any further Wolf sightings are to be reported to Campus Police immediately, so that we can resolve once and for all if there are tests this week or not.


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Dating Couple Basically Engaged by Hours

Local couple Sarah Addison and Connor Bristow drew attention from young couples everywhere when they announced a major relationship milestone in a Facebook post Sunday evening. Despite dating for only eight months and four days, the couple believes that they might as well just consider themselves engaged.

Some students come into college with transfer credits that put them ahead of schedule academically. While freshmen by year, they have over thirty hours, making them sophomores by hours. Bristow and Addison found themselves in a similar position.

“What we have is special,” said Addison. “Connor was my group leader for MSC ALOT and we connected from day one. Things were kind of messy because of policy, but when he finally asked me out, I knew he was the one.”

“She flirted with me basically all year,” said Bristow. “It took everything I had not to just say ‘screw it’ and ask her out. By the time we started dating, it felt like we’d been together for like our whole lives.”

Contrarily, they had known each other for less than a year.

The Facebook post stated that the couple would indeed be spending the rest of their lives together, whether bound by a matrimonial ceremony or not, and was accompanied by a picture of them holding hands, sitting on the bench under the Century Tree.

“Is this for real?!??!!?!?” said pretty much every Facebook commenter.

“I don’t have the money to buy a ring right now,” said Bristow. “The guy at David Gardner’s wouldn’t let me give him an IOU even though I know I’m going to be pulling in six figures when I graduate. We don’t need a ring to be engaged anyway, we have love and eight months of being together.”

The wedding is tentatively scheduled for May 2017 and Bristow is planning to propose sometime that January.

-Cactus Jack

College Station Now Big Enough for Two Targets

In what can only be described as a day that will go down in history, College Station – our beloved home away from home – has now been deemed large enough for two Targets, by local PTSA mother of three, Gladys Knight.

Often thought to be a one-Target town by other cities, towns, and foreigners alike, many residents (or College Stationians as they like to be called) are absolutely thrilled by the idea of having another Target grace the town with its presence. The emporium is expected to improve morale with its superior quality goods, craftsmanship, and entertainment as well as boost the local economy with its job creation.

“With this second Target, the number of things we can do in this town will literally triple. Maybe I speak alone on this, but I’ve never had a bad time at Target,” said Michael Gregory, a junior Biomedical Sciences major.

Nancy Berry, the mayor of College Station, is encouraged by the overwhelming support and remains hopeful for the future. “The journey of a thousand miles begins with step one; this is that step. Now, we push for a Waffle House,” Berry said.

As can be expected, this moment is not without its fair share of detractors and critics.

“Sure, it starts with this extra target, but then what’s next? Having nothing to do in this town is exactly what makes it so special,” said Kevin Hickey, a Business Honors sophomore.

Though admittedly proud of its neighbor, the town of Bryan is more than a tad bit jealous of the newfound progress, fame, and success. Bryan has failed to secure for itself a possible second Target, and sources say it is the last straw.

The mayor of Bryan, Jason Bienski, had this to say at a Bryan City Hall meeting: “It’s with a heavy heart that I tell you great people that once again we have been snubbed by our younger, much better looking sibling – College Station. We cannot sit in silence any longer. We must act. ”

At press time, Target declined to comment on the status of a second location.


– Plug Down for Watt

$450 Million Spent on Building for 7-Day Use

Texas A&M Chancellor John Sharp defended the university’s decision to spend over $450 million on a building that would only be used about seven times each year. The value added to campus, he argued, would more than make up for the cost.

The building, which was recently completed, features state-of-the-art video and sound systems and the capacity to seat the entire student body and then some.

“We know that every student won’t use this building and it’s not for academics, but after all, the students voted to foot the bill for $70 million,” Sharp noted.

The building will only be used on a handful of weekends during the fall semester. It is suspected that the building will also bring more donations to the school from alumni looking to get their name on a bench. Possibly the largest impact will come from social media, as students are projected to photograph themselves in this building and feature it on their instagrams and snapchat stories.

“Maybe we can find a way to make the building useful on the other 141 days of the academic year,” Sharp said. “We can just blast music over the speakers. Then students will feel like their $70 million is being well spent.”

-Commons Lobbyist

Professor Convinced i>Clickers are Path to Salvation

Halfway through his Tuesday morning Chemistry lecture, Dr. Gonzalez smirked as he decided to test his students’ knowledge of strong and weak acids with an i>clicker quiz. After generously allotting them over three minutes to think it through, Dr. Gonzalez was dumbfounded when he saw that there were over 140 responses despite there only being at best 100 students in class.

“Obviously, I was skeptical at first – I didn’t want to believe it! But after my class promised that they did not have anyone else’s i>clicker but their own, I just knew we had made contact with some sort of spiritual being,” Gonzalez said.

In an attempt to communicate with the suspected spirit, Gonzalez stopped teaching and immediately began utilizing the i>clicker system to ask the visitor questions about death, God, the afterlife, and the ghost’s own intentions.

“It is so comforting to have the answers to all the big questions in life,” Gonzalez explained. “It is so easy now. All I had to do was come up with my top five guesses to answer my own questions, and the spirit responded every time.”

With his new peace of mind, the fifty-year-old professor quit his highly coveted and tenured position here at A&M, took out his life savings, and donated the bulk of it to numerous charities. The little he kept for himself he is now using to sustain his asceticism as he wanders around aimlessly, city to city, promoting the truths he has found – i>clicker securely in tow.  


-Plug Down for Watt

Texas A&M to Welcome JLO to Campus

At Texas A&M, it is easy for students to find themselves overwhelmed by the vast number of student organizations and opportunities for involvement.  So much so, in fact, that a group of juniors has started their own organization to help fellow third-year students with the transition from their sophomore year to their senior year.

The new Junior Leadership Organization, or JLO for short, seeks to provide junior Aggies with a place to expand their horizons and learn new things. Some of the organization’s executives even plan on working with the new members to put on events and do service projects together.

Adam Nguyen, cofounder and president of the first JLO, JESUS—Junior Educational Society of University Students—is hopeful for his organization’s debut.

“Junior year is definitely a hard year for students,” Nguyen said. “It’s a time for transition. JESUS seek to help everyone find their way through love of leadership, service, and career experience.”

The JLO is divided into a multitude of subcommittees, which each handle different aspects of the organization. Daniel Grayson, senior marketing major and JESUS executive, is the director of the Résumé Building subcommittee.

“We’ve been really excited to take on our new members this fall,” Grayson said. “Not everyone wants to accept the responsibility or time commitments of a new organization. That’s what our subcommittee is here for: we teach juniors how to exaggerate their involvements during college.”

Prospective members faced a rigorous application process, including mandatory socials and one-on-one interviews. “Barely anyone applied,” Nguyen said. “I guess it’s because, by now, all of the good people are already involved in something. Whatever.”

Junior psychology major Leslie McAllen is a new member of JESUS and part of the Banner Holding subcommittee. When asked about her reason for involvement, McAllen said, “I tried applying for FLOs and SLOs the past two years, but I never got in one. I finally found an organization that is desperate enough to accept me. It’s good to know that they don’t really care about their reputation.”

JESUS is currently planning its first big service event for the fall of 2015. Called “Bannerfest”, the event seeks to teach junior members leadership skills by having them hold painted sheets outside to earn service hours. The junior with the most service hours at the end of Bannerfest is awarded with the divine knowledge of what it takes to become mankind’s ultimate leader.

-Bacon and Ags


Howdy Ags,

The last few semesters have been very rewarding. We have done a lot, made a few friends and a few enemies, and now we are ready to grow again. This semester, we are looking to expand our team.

We have had numerous people ask us how they can get involved with The Mugdown. If you are one of those wondering how you can be a part of this, now is your chance. We are looking for new writers, graphic designers, photographers/videographers, and web designers. If you have experience with Adobe Photoshop, Adobe Illustrator, pens and other writing utensils, or maybe even feel that you have something to contribute to The Mugdown that we have not mentioned, we would like to invite you to fill out this application and email it to

We will be accepting applications for two weeks, starting today, 9/14/2015 at 10:00 AM until next Friday 9/25/2015 at 11:59 PM. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to reach out to us by e-mail.



P.S. Remember, our members are anonymous, so it is a requirement that you don’t let others know you are applying.

For updates on what we are up to follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook!



Boyfriend Brings Cheating Girlfriend to Honor Council

Last week, sophomore chemical engineering major Sam Cookley brought his unsuspecting girlfriend before the Aggie Honor Council to accuse her of cheating on him.

Cookley brought forward screenshots of text messages between his girlfriend, Emily Koberson, and someone saved in her phone as “Jacob – bio lab” as evidence.

The Honor Council traditionally deals in matters of exclusively academic, not romantic, dishonesty. However, after a quick meeting to discuss how settling this issue might make the student body actually like them, the Council agreed to accept the case.

“An Aggie does not lie, cheat, or steal,” Blake Browning, a member of the Council, said. “In my time here, I have seen printed answers on fake water bottle wrappers, temporary tattoos, real tattoos, and every depraved act of dishonesty in between. I have even seen a kid fake a hearing disorder for an entire semester so he could play recorded study guides through his hearing aid during tests, but I have never seen a case this deplorable,” Browning said. “We will enforce a precedent today that cheating is not allowed in the Aggie Family, in any sense.”

Koberson spent most of her trial in a state of shock. “Okay, so like, he tells me that he’s taking me on a surprise date, and then we show up at this random building on campus, and he ushers me into a room with a bunch of stoney-faced people! I thought that maybe this time we would go out on a real date, off campus, where they take real money and not dining dollars.”

Her attitude was further soured when the committee decided that, due to her blatant disregard for the Aggie Code of Honor and therefore the Aggie Family, she would be removed from each of her social organizations for the fall semester.

Cookley expressed that he hopes his now ex-girlfriend has learned her lesson. “Justice is served!” Cookley said. “I know the punishment is harsh, but she lied to me and betrayed my trust. I don’t know when I’ll be able to love again.”

The Aggie Honor Code must be taken seriously, regardless of the circumstances.

Timothy Powers, Director of the Aggie Honor System Office, said that this landmark decision ushers in a new era of accountability for students.

“You don’t stop being an Aggie when you step outside the classroom. If you break the Honor Code in any way, shape, or form, there will be consequences,” Powers said. “Also, every effort will be made to find ‘Jacob from bio lab.’ That bastard won’t get away with this.”

–Lone Star Lady

Kinesiology Instructor in Power Chair, Not Disabled

In a shocking discovery Thursday morning, students of Steve Jacobson’s KINE 199 racquetball class were flabbergasted to learn that their wheelchair-bound instructor was, in fact, capable of walking. The incident occurred when Mr. Jacobson power chaired over to the drinking fountain but was not able to reach the spout. He rose from his chair to take a drink, stretched a bit, and quickly sat back down. Students around the gym stared with mouths agape.

Zach Smitheart, a freshman political science major, was particularly taken aback. “I just feel lied to. Taken advantage of. I held the door open for that man,” he explained. “I just feel dirty and violated.”

Students expressed their disbelief in many ways. Some doubled over and wept in the fetal position, while others were filled with rage and threw down their racquets.

Jacobson, now in his third year as a kinesiology instructor, has been ridiculed by students and faculty alike for his demeanor and behavior. The 2006 Bachelor of Arts graduate from the University of Phoenix-Online typically rolls into the PEAP Building in his Power Chair and sweatpants for his Tuesday and Thursday sections.  

When asked why he uses a Power Chair, Jacobson asked the Mugdown, “Why should I be required to do two hours of walking or racquetball every week when I am an adult?”

The university is revising its policy on requiring all physical education and kinesiology instructors to pursue “active means of crossing rooms in front of the children,” according to the Department of Health and Kinesiology’s Undergraduate Program Director, Dr. Paul Keiper. New faculty members will be vetted and will be required to park their Power Chairs by the bike racks as not to leave a negative impression with the students.
-Commons Lobbyist

Mugdown’s Declassified School Survival Guide

MD Declass

-Mugdown Staff

College Station Novelty ID Business Booms

Don’t be shocked the next time you get on an Aggie Spirit bus and are asked to show proper identification before boarding. After complaints of crowded busses from students and faculty, university bus drivers are now actually implementing the rule that has been in place since the beginning of the Aggie Transportation system.

After this semi-recent announcement that Texas A&M transportation would be requiring valid student ID cards in order to use their services, sales of novelty ID cards in the Bryan/College Station area have boomed. A novelty ID provider, who asks to remain unnamed, has told The Mugdown that his sales are up 120% since the newfound enforcement of the rule.

“We have orders flying through the doors. We haven’t been this busy since Aggies started to care about football again, and people were buying IDs so that their out of town friends and family could get into the student section for games,” our source said.

The highest quality identification cards sold run for about $120, however, if you get a group of students together, the price can go down to around $70 per person. The provider tell us that the cards are as legitimate as it gets, except for the label on the back that states that the card is indeed a novelty item. “You can easily scratch that off, nobody even checks the back of the ID when you get on the bus” our source said.

You are even able to pre-load your novelty identification card with dining dollars that can be used at a variety of dining establishments throughout campus. “All that you need to provide is a clear picture taken against a white or similar solid colored wall, a name for the novelty ID card, and a nine digit number to be used as your UIN. We’ll do the rest” says the ID maker.

There are currently plans in the works for a fake paper ID template that can be easily purchased and downloaded on your own computer in the comfort of your own home. The effectiveness of this method has not been confirmed yet, but The Provider assures us that if enough skin is shown and the right bus is boarded, 60 percent of the time the paper ID works every time.

The IDs are also available for Blinn students who told their graduating class that they were actually attending Texas A&M.


Marco Ovo Queso Polo

Howdy Prompts Existential Crisis

Sophomore Jacob Evans was just a “regular, carefree student” until yesterday, according to his roommates. Early Tuesday afternoon, Evans instinctively responded “Howdy” to a friend as they passed in the hallway of Blocker after class. Suddenly realizing the implications of his actions, Evans began to question the very nature of his existence.

“What does it even mean?” Evans asked the Mugdown. “Did I say ‘Howdy’ because I wanted to or because I’ve been conditioned to?”

Uncertain of whether major lifestyle choices were of his own choosing or whether he was merely a product of societal persuasion, Evans became unwound and erratic. He has questioned whether standing at games even makes sense anymore or whether doing something twice actually justifies a tradition.  His roommates claimed that Evans pondered for hours on end about whether repeating a tradition for its own sake was worth it or contained any meaning at all.

They showed our reporter around, pointing out, “thats him in the corner, thats him in the spotlight, losing his tradition”. He could be heard mumbling to himself something about “The Spirit” and “chigaroogarem.”  

As the day continued, they noticed that the underclassman psychology major continued to appear unstable, and was overheard calling his parents and asking if his first word, “mama,” was his choice or because his mother had repeated it to him so many times.

“Did I even choose to come to A&M?” Evans pondered, “or was it just the inevitable consequence of thousands of decisions my parents made?”

-Commons Lobbyist


Freshman Spends Gig ‘Em Week Befriending Future Strangers

Every freshman’s first tradition: fooling yourself into liking people you will never see again after the MSC Open House. We spent a day with incoming freshman Tyler Walker to get a better glimpse into this tradition that is as widespread as a freshman’s eyelids during their first test.

We first met up with Walker while he was roaming aimlessly around campus with a group of 15-20 other freshman. These large groups of fish are called schools and no one truly knows how they begin or where they are all headed, but soon after classes start these schools will dissolve into the familiar, crushing loneliness of college life. Walker introduced us to his “best friend” Charles Thadwin. The two boys had met just a few weeks earlier at Fish Camp.

“Sure Charles and I have different majors,” Walker said. “He’s going to rush but I’m not, and I’m living in a dorm but he’s living off campus and neither of us has a car. But still, we’re totally going to be best friends man. I mean, we played beer pong all night together last night.”

Our experts give their friendship two weeks, or as long as it takes for one of them to meet any other person.

Throughout the day Walker’s school of fish continued to grow. The freshmen seem to believe that everyone they introduce themselves to will become a lifelong friend so anyone is welcome, except for that one freshman whose parents are still awkwardly hanging around. Freshmen still see parents as lame instead of as a source of free food.  Walker eventually separated from the school of fish and spent the rest of his day doing things no student ever actually does: dressing up nice to go on campus, being impressed by anyone in a Corps uniform, and actually going into the MSC art galleries.

“I’m so excited to hang out with all my new friends,” Walker said. “I’ll have so much free time to see them since I never really needed to study in high school anyway, and now I’ll only be in class for part of the day.”
Like all freshmen, the naïve Walker will soon abandon his early school of fish and migrate to a new community he actually has something in common with. This may sadden him for a time but he will one day be glad that, unlike Corps fish, he wasn’t forced to stay with his first awkward friend group.



This article was written by a fan. If you or anyone you know may be interested in contributing a post or idea to the site, feel free to share it with us or ask us questions at!

Sophomore by Hours, Douchebag by Nature

With Gig ‘Em Week™ coming to a close, eager freshmen are getting out and introducing themselves to fellow classmates all over campus. Students report that Chet Walker, a freshman Pre-Law/Pre-Med double major from The Woodlands, has been making it a point to meet as many of his classmates as possible to build his network early. Students who have met Walker agree that in addition to being aggressively outgoing and having 30 hours of credit already, he is also a total douchebag.

“Howdy! I’m Chester Steven Walker III, but I go by Chet, AAAAA!!!!!!!” Walker said to a passing student. “Are you a freshman? I’m technically a sophomore, but it’s only my first year of college. Wanna grab some Panda?”

Walker was already imagining how he would explain to his new friend how he ended up with so many credit hours when his newest friend, marketing major Lewis Christensen, began evasive maneuvers.

“Hey…sorry man, I’m heading back to my dorm,” Christensen said. “I just ate anyway.”

According to Christensen, Walker was incredibly persistent.

“He asked me what dorm I lived in, then explained that he had lived in a dorm at his summer lacrosse camp every year of his life so far, so he knew all the secrets,” Christensen said. “I just wandered around until he found someone else to bother — there was no way I was leading him to my dorm.”

Others students have had equally unbearable encounters with Walker.

“I remember that guy. He was in my Fish Camp, and he never did his wildcat,” said Jennifer Mendez, a freshman biology major. “When his counselor asked him why, he said he was technically class of 2018… what a prick.”

“He was going on about wanting to play college ball. I’m not sure what sport, but he pulled his meniscus or something at state. I can’t believe I listened to him for so long,” said Kyle Anderson, a freshman English major.

Each evening, Walker can usually be found trying to get a pick-up game of sand volleyball or ultimate Frisbee started.

“Oh, you’re in History 105? I took APUSH last year, so let me know if you need to see my notes,” Walker said to another one of his helpless targets. “I wish I could take easy classes like that, most of mine are 200-level.”

Walker was last seen introducing himself to his professor at the front of a 200-student lecture hall.
-War Hymnal

The Mugdown Low-Down: How to A&M, A Guide for Our New President

Dr. Young,

We first wanted to congratulate you on officially putting on the A&M hat and signing as this University’s next President. We at The Mugdown understand that you are new to Aggieland and decided to dedicate this Mugdown Low-Down (MDLD) to help you—and other new faculty and staff—understand Texas A&M.

  1. The Mugdown. Might as well start with the best. We are the premiere news source on campus and we exist to serve the student body by consistently delivering unbiased and completely true news. Be wary when reading The Battalion—or worse, The Good Bull—they make up quotes and don’t use Oxford commas. Trust us, not them.
  2. Social Media. You might have heard about a previous University President who was very active on Twitter. That was cool and all but Twitter is on the decline recently and as far as the medium goes, your predecessor set some high expectations. This paper recommends exploring other social media outlets to best connect with the student body. Snapchat should be a priority—who doesn’t love a good President selfie? Yik Yak can also prove to be a vital way to connect with the student body, albeit with the possibility of you just speaking with a small conjunction of Cadets and bored freshmen.
  3. Logan’s. Not Logies. It’s that simple Mike; don’t call the best bar on Northgate Logie’s. That is step one on the enlistment to New Army.
  4. Eating On Campus. You Run This Campus. We implore you to try dining options other than University Club; here are our favorites:
    1. The Grill at The Pavilion: Snuggled in between the Annex, Evans, and Liberal Arts, this little known burger joint is home to the greatest burger on campus, The King Kong. Don’t even look at the menu. Walk in and ask for a King Kong or, if you like guacamole, a Queen Kong. Make sure to say hi to the best on-campus dining employee, Mirna, and wait patiently in line until that joyful moment when your number is called.
    2. Bright Complex: R. C. Slocum Nutrition Center: Just south of Kyle Field (that is where we play football) and west of the President’s house Sharp’s Kennel For Big Money Donors, this might be the best kept secret on campus. Built strictly for athletes, this facility is unsurprisingly the nicest dining location at A&M. However, lunch is open for everyone, and we hear that after a couple meals there, you can just simply join the Aggie Football Defense.
    3. 12th Man Cafeteria (specifically Cabo): Located in the cafeteria in the MSC, Cabo is home to the best tacos on campus. Cabo is wedged between the pizza line and Indian food place, typically with no line because nobody thinks to visit it. Ask for the two taco plate and from then on out, it’s your basic Chipotle style build-a-taco. Yes, guacamole will be extra.
  5. How to buy an Aggie Ring. Let’s be honest here—this student body will not fully accept you until you assimilate completely. This includes purchasing an Aggie Ring. We recommend looking into graduate programs on campus or an online program. Qualifications can be found here.
  6. Fuego. Fuego is your new home for late-night tacos. On the corner of Texas and University, Fuego is open 24/7 making it everybody’s meet up spot after a successful Saturday night of studying. We recommend getting a Juan Pablo, Fuego Steak, and a pint of queso. Also, Fuego is home to a secret menu, and it’s incredible.
  7. Boots, Y’all, and Howdy. We are highly aware of the resistance from out-of-staters to these three notoriously “Texan” things. Often, those not blessed enough to be born within state lines feel the need to “express their individuality” when it comes to the idea of assimilation into the Texas culture. If you attempt to bring with you some of your own state’s character, we commend you. However, we also feel that we must warn you. You will be beaten. It is useless to resist. Give into the struggle cuddle that is Texan pride. Buy those boots. Shorten your sentences. Say Howdy, dammit.
  8. Chilifest. Now also known as the Rock-Paper-Scissors-Free Zone, Chilifest is the best place to take that wife of yours for a special treatment at the mud spa. And you’ll be supporting philanthropies while you do it! This hedonistic hail to country music and drunken debauchery is the most highly anticipated event of the year by students and Snook police alike. Start designing your build and perfecting your chili recipe now. Do Mormons believe in Noah’s Ark? If so, we already designed a sweet build for you here.
  9. Don’t touch the bats. College Station is apparently home to massive colonies of bats that have been known to infiltrate Evans, Kyle Field, West Campus Garage, and the Rec center. In the case you miss the dozens of signs around campus or the occasional warning email, you are reading it now: DON’T TOUCH THE BATS. This also goes for the Battalion: DON’T TOUCH THE BATTS.
  10. It is now acceptable to walk over all seals. Not that this really would have affected you anyway (except maybe #5), but there used to be a long-standing belief that if you walked across the hallowed seal of Texas A&M University, you would be doomed to never graduate. Students used to go out of their way to avoid seals in Koldus, the Governor Rick Perry ‘72 Building Academic Building, and on Military Walk. It was kind of a pain, but it was tradition. Well now, we wish to inform you that your trips across campus will be pain-free as all University seals have been made irrelevant by the actions of your new best friends and bosses, The Ever-Living, Ever-Loving Board of Regents. Be sure to thank them for removing one more obstacle to your success here at Texas A&M.

We hope this has been helpful to you, President Mike, and can ease your transition into college life and the Aggie family. We wish you the best of luck as you begin to lead Texas A&M University, and we hope to see you at Logan’s, The Grill, and/or Fuego soon.

Thanks and Gig ‘em,

Lonely Lighter and Sbisa Cookie

The Lorag

At the far end of Station,

Where the Memorial grass had grown

And the wind smells of Aggies we had once known

And no nuts for squirrels to hoard or to chew,

Is the street of the Spirited Lorag.


And deep in that spot, there is still left

The shop of the Agministrator, Regent Bereft.

With a sign by his door, “no lie, cheat, or theft.”

And there for a nickel you can overpay

to hear how the Lorag was lifted away.


Who was this Lorag?

And what did it say?

Why was it taken so far, far away?

Longly and slowly, the Agmin swallows his sounds

Like a fish eating water, he downed and he drowned:


“Way far back in the land of the free

In the realm of the sacred Century Tree.

When the grass was still green

And the Corps, spit-shined and clean,


I first saw sight of the trees.

The trees, the trees, the Hullabaloo trees!

Their soft, willowy trunks

And the shadowy cool of their cucumber leaves…


I knew at once that this was the place.

I’d chop up a chop and clear me some space.

A hack and a homp and away in a race,

I flattened so fastly

the knoll known as Grassy,


When out of a sudden popped a man dressed smart.

I jumped with a holler, I jumped with a start.

This man dressed so silly, you couldn’t have guessed

if his bowtie was facing north or west!


He had a full furry lip and glasses so round

He waddled around like a duck on the ground.

“Agminstrator,” he rasped like a dry dust bowl,

“I am the Lorag. I speak for the knoll!

I am asking you now from the pit of my soul.


I speak for the knoll and I speak for the trees

You must stop at once, you mustn’t do as you please!”

He was terribly troubled, most visibly vexed.

“What plans have you got, what will be next!”


Dear friend, I said, there’s no need to be stressed.

Just think of all the students who will be blessed

with more space to learn when it is done.

I never meant to hurt anything or anyone.


Then away in a rush, all the rules I did flush.

I was mad as a peacock, I was mad as a flock.

I called all my buddies, I called all my chums,

My dandy donors: Buzbee, Bright, and Bum.


And before you could count to two,

we grew and We Grew and WE GREW!

‘Till the donors had leapt and the Ag majors wept

For the Saffadoo Squirrels who all had been swept


The Field of Duncan was ripe for the chunkin’

Why see the sun when schoolwork’s more fun!

But not before the Elephant Ears…

Oh no, we lopped those off with New Army shears.

With a snip and a slomp and concrete for miles,

We swam in our gold, all poured out in piles!


Then once more the Lorag croaked in retort

“I am the Lorag,” he choked in a snort,

“The Saffadoo Squirrels have no peace at night.

The cranes and the trains give them quite a fright!

They must find home elsewhere, I don’t know if you care.”


Look, my foolish frumpy friend,

I have plans for profits that never end,

to fills these halls with pockets that lend.

Many of thousands and eleventy billions

students in excess will grant us their bullions.


Yelling, “25-by-25!”

We hacked down every tree alive.

Every last one, till the last Hullabaloo bud.

It fell with thud, the last lonely dud.


No more hacking and homping,

No more ground for the stomping.

All the professors closed their books,

All the cadets marched home,

The lecture halls empty…


For the last time, the Lorag came.

He looked so fragile, frail, and lame.

“Agministrator,” he whispered, in a soft wheeze

“There are no more squirrels, students, or trees.”

Then upward he floated in quickening breeze,

Never to bother me with his unbearable sneeze.


All that remained on the spot where he stood,

at the spot of the last Hullabaloo wood,

was a small pile of books, with one word…


Of what it could mean, I hadn’t a clue I confess.


But now the Lorag’s words are so clear

These are the words that you must hold so dear:

“UNLESS someone like you

cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is going to get better.

It’s not.”

-Bellamy Partridge

BREAKING: Aggie Swallows Ring at Ring Dunk

Tragedy struck today on Fightin’ Texas Aggie Ring Day. As the masses descended upon  College Station to celebrate the earning of shiny new Aggie Rings with friends and family, one senior descended into chaos.  This morning, Aggies with the required 90 hours of completed coursework gathered outside the Alumni Center to receive the gold they’ve been anticipating for years. For Jessica White, the anticipation was perhaps a bit too high.  

White, a senior English major, didn’t even wait until the evening for her ring dunk.  At 11 am, she was guzzling down her pitcher of stale beer in front of an enthusiastic audience, when she looked to the bottom of the container and noticed that there was no ring.  She realized, in a sudden moment of clarity, that her throat was bulging.  In the rush and excitement of downing 1.5 liters of  Michelob Ultra, White had actually swallowed her ring.  

“I didn’t know what to do,” she said. “All I could think was I had just swallowed $500!”  

White tried to cough up the 14 carats but met little success. She even threw up the entire pitcher of beer– though not for the purpose of retrieving the ring. The ring remained in her stomach. 

White is currently being treated at St. Joseph Regional Hospital in Bryan, and her friends and family have set up a GoFundMe campaign to help cover the cost of ordering a new ring or having the necessary medical treatments done.

“As much as we want to raise money for Sydney to get a new ring, we also want to spread awareness to the Aggie family about the hazards of ring dunking,” said Kerry Kyle, a close friend of White. “Students need to know that drinking cheap beer is dangerous, a strong Guinness makes you drink slower and reduces the risk of swallowing a ring.”

As ring dunks become more competitive, the risk of swallowing your ring increases. But drinking $500 to $1000 in 16 seconds will also make a great story.


Safe Dunking,
Century TreeHarmony

A&M to Change Official Greeting From “Howdy” to Awkward Stare and Wave Combo

To properly reflect the changing times and student body here at Texas A&M, first-year President Michael Young has boldly decided to change the official greeting. Once an integral part of this institution, “Howdy” will now reflect something a little more subtle and current – the all too familiar awkward stare and wave combination.

Though markedly different, Young claims that this greeting is far more applicable in everyday situations and people probably already do it without thinking.

“How many times have you seen someone you barely know, but don’t quite feel confident enough to give them a full-on ‘Howdy.’ This is where the new greeting excels,” Young said in a press conference Thursday.

The new greeting is in beta testing still, but all test and focus groups have shown a real positive reaction.

Young urges us to be creative with our salutations and to think outside the box. Unlike the strict limitations put on “Howdy”, students are encouraged to add to the new lexicon.

“What I love about this greeting is that it’s so flexible. If you just wanna stare and mutter ‘Sup’ under your breath, you can do that,” said freshman Physics major, Mark Lopez. “You can act like you didn’t see them till it’s too late and do the surprise look and wave. Or if you’re feeling particularly daring, you could even flash a smile.

No word yet on how and exactly when “Howdy” will be phased out, but high-ranking officials have promised that a plan is in the works.

“We’d like to have ‘Howdy’ be gone for good by at least 2017, hopefully earlier,” said Provost and Executive Vice President, Dr. Karan L. Watson. “But we’re prepared for the worst.”

Only time will tell how popular this new greeting will be, but the future culture and traditions of the school hinge on its success.


–  Plug Down for Watt


Campus Baffled at Student’s Ability to Ride Bike without Using Handlebars

Here at Texas A&M, students, staff and faculty are guided by a set of university core values, the first of which is excellence. Many Aggies demonstrate excellence through their academics, campus and community involvement, and workplace. Recently, however, one student has taken A&M’s call to excellence above and beyond all expectations.

According to several students and faculty members, a student- name unknown- was spotted yesterday afternoon riding his bike to class without making use of the handlebars, instead relying on his unbelievable sense of balance and control. Indeed, we at the Mugdown were incredulous at first, but multiple sources have confirmed what could be the most impressive feat in acrobatics since whatever Barnum and Bailey had to do to get an eternal animal cracker sponsorship.

“It was beyond incredible,” said Chad Powers, a senior political science major. “Honestly one of the most amazing things I’ve seen in my lifetime. Talk about ‘mind blown’, right?” Further sources echoed his response of disbelief, describing the event as “pretty neat”, “cray”, and “like Cirque de Soliel, but mostly without the French singing.”

Others were not so quick to give in to the rumors. One of these so-called “skeptics” is freshman general engineering major Lisa Kim, who said, “Look, I love physics and calculus as much as the next engineer, and I even crunched the numbers. There is simply no way that riding a bike without handlebars is possible. It defies the natural laws of the universe. It must be a hoax.”

Such an event has even attracted the attention of some faculty, whose reactions vary almost as much as the student body’s. Anthropology professor Dr. Tom Green took particular interest in this feat, calling it “an absolute marvel of human ability.” When asked for further comment, Dr. Green cited his area of study, saying “I have spent much of my life studying human history and culture, and few accomplishments stand above this. It is one thing to learn from history, it is another thing entirely to watch it unfold before your very eyes.”


Yet even more faculty came forward to comment, including department of math professor Dr. Li Huang. Dr. Huang, a non-believer, said, “I ride my bike daily, and I’ve been a bike rider for 37 years. I ride my bike to class, to office hours, and sometimes even to the store. I can’t fathom how riding a bike without using the handlebars is possible. Either I don’t know as much as I think I do, or there is some mystical force at work here. I guess it’s time to reevaluate my stance on the supernatural.”

TAMU Transportation Services and University Police have expressed their intent to ticket the biker as soon as his identity is released. “Honestly, I don’t really care about all of this. It just doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to me,” said Marcus Delcour, a Texas A&M Transportation official. “Oh yeah, we’re going to totally fine the sh** out of him when we find out who it is. That much I can guarantee.”

At press time, the Texas A&M Board of Regents are considering renaming the newly developed student recreation center after the mythical cyclist once his identity is discovered. In the meantime, a scholarship fund has been established in his honor and will be rewarded once a year to an incoming freshman who excels in cycling.

Eyewitnesses confirmed that, not only was the mysterious biker riding without utilizing the handlebars, he was also actually riding in the bike lane. Incredible.


-Bacon and Ags


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