The Mugdown exists to challenge the thinking of the Texas A&M community by delivering relevant satirical news.

The Mugdown is Texas A&M University’s First Satirical Newspaper. Founded in 1875, The Mugdown has carried on a long tradition of excellent articles that bring the most recent Aggie news spiced with humor of the highest wit.

Here at The Mugdown, we are proud to host a highly diverse and creative group of writers:

Bellamy Partridge – Bellamy was famous before we ever met her. A feminism icon and a winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature for her bestselling book, “Two X Chromosomes and a Partridge in a Pear Tree”. Sure, she may not seem the usual comedic type, but she’s famous, so we wanted her.

Cactus Jack – Like Bellamy, we knew immediately that we wanted Cactus Jack on our team. It probably has to do with the fact that when we first met him, he was trying to figure out what it would feel like to lick a cactus. He’s sort of like the abandoned dog you come across on the side of the highway. He may be ugly, but we pulled over to watch and now we feel at least partially responsible for him.

Honey Bear – Is the name ironic? Maybe. Maybe not. Honestly, he’s been called that for longer than anyone has known him. He’s a sociopath and we don’t like talking  with him very much. So when the man says he’s called Honey Bear, we make damn sure to call him Honey Bear. He gets his articles turned in on time though, so we keep him around.

Sbisa Cookie – A living testament to the fact that the pen is mightier than the sword. We once saw him stab a dude with a pen. There was blood and ink everywhere. It was awesome. He never gets his articles turned in on time though,  so some wonder why we keep him around. Did we mention he once stabbed a dude with a pen?

Lone Star Lady – Can you take a guess where she’s from? Go ahead. Take a guess. If you guessed Pakistan, you’re an idiot. She’s from Somalia (We would like to apologize for that joke. It requires a working knowledge of both state and international flags). It was hard not to be interested when we got an application from a pirate. However, we soon realized she doesn’t have a hook, a pegleg, an eyepatch, or even a parrot. Turns out all she has is a large gun, a tiny fishing boat, and an alcohol problem. I suppose that last one’s sort of pirate-y. And hey, how many pirates do you work with?

Revelicious – Definition: Make them boys go loco. Wow. I kind of hate myself for making that joke. Then again, it would have been too much of a missed opportunity to not make the reference at all.  And as Revelicious exemplifies, that’s what we’re all about here at The Mugdown: obvious references and easy jokes. So delicious.

Riffety Raff Riffety came to The Mugdown the same way he came into this world: crying, wet, and naked. We still aren’t sure why. In the seventh grade, he ran for class president on the platform of a winning smile, that is, until the platform fell over breaking both his arm and his dream of winning. He spends most of his time raking sand and listening to alternative post punk.

Beutel Call – After we watched him bounce out of the bed of an old F-150 on his way to the Beutel Health Center because he sliced his leg fighting a dinosaur fossil, he professed his life story to us, speaking highly of his many exploits rescuing road kill. We soon learned Beutel has a large poster with his face on every bulletin board labeled “DO NOT ADMIT. WILL POCKET TONGUE DEPRESSORS AND STICK BAND-AIDS TO WAITING ROOM CEILING.”

Samurai Sully – Visible only at night, he stalks the streets carrying a wooden kendo sword searching for cheap thrills and even cheaper puns. He caught our attention after holding Revelicious hostage with only his bare hands and a pistol he stole from the Yakuza. A father to three and mother to one, he breaks all expectations. To paint a picture, the man once breastfed a baby panda he stole from the zoo. Also, he’s totally not gay.

Commons Lobbyist – Everyone’s favorite person to talk to on their break at work: the guy obsessed with politics. You’ve been working for five hours now and nothing is more sacred to you than this all too short half hour to relax, but guess who’s waiting in the break room for someone to talk to. Again. Sure, try and quote that headline you read two or three months ago. It doesn’t matter, the Commons Lobbyist knows he’s better informed than you. He could smell it on you as soon as you rounded that corner.

Lonely Lighter – With that name, she was destined to join The Mugdown. Famous for wandering around Kyle Field alone during Midnight Yell, her name speaks for itself. Take a moment and picture the girl that comes to mind when you hear the name “Lonely Lighter”– whatever you’re picturing, that’s her. L2 (as she is known around HQ) enjoys long walks on the beach, chasing boots, and riding the elevator in Koldus.

Marco Ovo Queso PoloA long name for a short guy. Marco can often be found on Friday nights at 3:00am after all the bars have closed taking straight shots of Fuego queso. Which is strange, because he is always insisting that Fuego Dip is better anyways. Either way, you will probably hear him attempting to rap like Drake long before you spot him and his cheese stained polo.

North by North GateIf you’ve ever wondered who you have to thank for “north” at Texas A&M being pointed towards the local bar district instead of the north pole, look no further. A political activist and local alcoholic, his claim to fame and life achievement was convincing the city of College Station to legally define “north” as “of or denoting the direction from any specified area, city, or country towards the Northgate Entertainment District.”

Duncan DoughDefinitely, definitely not named for his rotund stature, Duncan Dough is a bubbly fellow of a healthy weight who is in charge of bringing the cookie dough made in Duncan Dining Hall over to Sbisa to be baked. That’s right. Sbisa Cookies are actually from Duncan, but it’s hard to taste the lies and betrayal through all that sugar. Oh, he also giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy if you poke him.

Zero Dark EightyAlso known as the seemingly only person still at midnight yell at 1:20 in the morning. We say seemingly because our own Lonely Lighter was still there too. They became quick friends, and since they both get lonely pretty easily, we figured it was probably in both their best interests if we encouraged their friendship.

Silver TapiocaHe accidentally stumbled into silver taps while eating pudding. We don’t even know how it happened. But it was awkward, and he’d rather everybody just forgot about it. So if you don’t mind, please call him Silver Tapioca every chance you get. Thank you for your understanding.

E. King TrillDoes E. King Trill know everyone at Texas A&M?  Probably not.  Does everyone at Texas A&M know E. King Trill?  Absolutely.  He’s the guy that shows up to the party and knows the words to every song, no matter how hipster you might think you are.  Also, he may or may not have started all of the rumors that Drake was coming to visit Texas A&M.

War HymnalWe haven’t met a more maroon-blooded Aggie than War Hymnal.  He can be seen across campus, whether it’s banner-holding for Breakaway or giving campus tours.  A man of true virtue, the only swear word he says is “hell,” but only when shouting “sounds like hell” during the Aggie War Hymn. He says he doesn’t feel guilty about it because his service at the Big Event serves as his annual repentance.

Century treeHarmonyCentury treeHarmony and Lonely Lighter met at a speed dating convention and immediately bonded over their inability to communicate with the male sex. She has never faced the ill fate of walking under the Century Tree alone, but once had a close call with the Friendzone Branch. She describes the incident as the closest she wants to get to starring in an episode of “Beyond Scared Straight” and has since installed a shock collar system around the tree which she uses to warn herself if ever approaching the tree inadvertently.

Panda ExpressionsPanda Expressions is that one overly artistic girl that never lets you forget that time she took a summer class for art history in Paris after her sophomore summer in high school. Though she is admittedly spoiled by daddy, Panda Expressions has rejected her posh life with all its upperclass advantages and now only shops at thrift stores with ironic or artistic names like “Blue Trash” or “The Rugged Ruby”. Her mom says it is just a phase, but Panda Expressions may or may not have a Mega Panda tattoo on her rib cage that proves otherwise.

A Midsummer’s Night YellNot as dirty as the name sounds. A Midsummer’s Night Yell earned her name due to her unique talent for calling the cows home each evening. Her prize possessions are her designer boots with The Bard himself embroidered onto the sides- frilly neck thing and all. Don’t let her country roots fool you, she could out-quote you in just about any area of Old English literature. Maw and Paw are just so proud of their little girl for making something of herself in “the big city.”

Bacon & Ags – It’s Sunday morning and you’ve woken up hungover and confused. “Man, last night’s house party was one for the books,” you think as you try and recall something, anything, about the party.  The smell of bacon floats in from the kitchen, and you stumble over to see who’s cooking.  You stand there in bewilderment— Bacon & Ags has cleaned up all of the empty bottles, cans, and Solo cups.  He has cinnamon rolls warming in the oven, bacon on the stovetop, and an assortment of fruits on the table.  You stutter, “Wow… I… uh… well,” but he cuts you off.  “I just love a good brunch,” he says.  “And since you threw such a great party, I thought the least I could do was clean it up and cook us some brunch! Here, I made some quiche— have some!”

Plug Down for Watt – Plug Down for Watt failed the Turing Test.  I guess that means she’s a robot or a computer or something?  I mean, it would explain a few things, like her perfect spelling and math skills, but she has a heart that no computer could ever have. Plug’s too funny to be a computer anyways!  So maybe she’s a cyborg.  A cyborg who’s on our side.

Corpus Escort – He’s got the bro tanks, he’s got the neon snapback, and yeah, he’s riding his longboard by you in the dismount zone. Corpus Escort spent his entire freshman year thinking he was at A&M Corpus Christi, but somehow still made good enough grades there to transfer to College Station, where he remained living at Z Islander and throwing the raddest pool parties in town. Sometimes he writes, but mostly he just brings the brownies.

Metta World Pizza – Pizza—it makes the world go ‘round. You could say that Metta likes to travel. You could say that, but that would be a lie. He just likes to sit at home and eat pizza and watch basketball, actually. Here at The Mugdown, we pride ourselves on a writer staff with a diverse background, which means that we even have a representation of that minority at A&M that likes basketball more than football. You’re welcome. On the other hand, everyone likes pizza, so Metta World Pizza is quite the all-star.

GingerbRedass – He definitely has more tattoos than you, but they are all inside jokes with his organizations and you will never see them unless he shows you. He wears his gameday overalls every day of the week, and only owns cowboy boots of varying levels of formality. He WILL scream his wildcat in your face, and he will not be sorry— just ask our last intern (we are actually really worried about him, if you find the poor guy please let us know).

InterYellar – We mostly just want to say we have had a yell leader on staff, so we picked out a freshman and have plans to train him up real good until his time comes. He types most of his articles with his nose while doing pushups and screaming the answers to grammar quizzes, so we have high hopes for the kid. You could even say he is…out of this world.

5k for Yell – Yes, you have met her, and yes, she knows your friend so and so from that thing that one time. She has handed you fliers, she has yelled at you from her banner holding post, your friend introduced her to you that one time in the MSC, you are friends on Facebook, and she is in at least two of your GroupMe’s. You hate her for always looking like she just worked out, but in reality she just has to be constantly maintaining a comfortable jog to get to her next meeting on time. We have never actually seen her in person, but sometimes she emails us good jokes, so we let her stay affiliated.

Netflix & Drill – Not like that, you pervert. Like Corps drills. Get your mind out of the gutter. “Why is The Bridge on The River Kwai not on Netflix,” he shouts. Netflix & Drill doesn’t just stand for the Aggie football games, he remains standing for the entirety of every single weekend the Aggies play football, sitting down only to sleep.

Come and Bake It – Remember that one episode of NCIS where the sweet, concerned grandmother ended up being the killer, and for once you were ACTUALLY surprised? That’s Come and Bake It. She lives her life in the shadows, always smiling and looking sweet, but it is a sugary coating for a perilous interior. She is listening to your conversations, and she is laughing at them. She knows more about you than your closest friends do, just from looking at your shoes. And she does not like what she sees.

Gigsaw Puzzle – Do you remember that old lady across the street? The one who you were pretty sure was a witch, but she was really good at hiding it?  Not that you cared, of course. She always gave you those Werther’s Original® candies, and you’d be okay with anyone who gave you candy, regardless of their evil, supernatural powers. That woman is Gigsaw Puzzle. Did we mention that she can assemble a 1000 piece puzzle in under 45 minutes? Yeah, that’s pretty fast, according to Guinness. Like we said: witchcraft. There’s an excellent pun here about an author witch and her spelling, but the intern has been on a wordplay ban following last month’s incident.

The Dirty, Filthy Pledges haven’t earned the privilege of having their life story grace these hallowed pages, so check back next semester!

Lil’ Event

Good Bullogna

Mission Trippin’

Teenage Music Gig ‘Em Turtles

Koldus & Cream

Wrecking Crew Reba

Big Brother Jed

Fish Daddy

Does this guy get anything right?