Sorority Hires Wall Street Analysts to Create a Perfect System to Match Littles

In an unprecedented move combining sisterhood with science, Kappa Delta sister Tiffany Carter has begun the process to outsource the big-little matching process to Wall Street analysts. Tired of the traditional selection methods, Carter partnered with Morgan Stanley financial services to create a data-driven approach to find her ideal little next fall.

Using a now-patented system Carter dubbed “SisSynergy”, analysts utilized their expertise gained from managing high-stakes stock portfolios to crunch numbers on social media engagement and personality quizzes to predict the best pairings.

“I never thought I’d use predictive modeling for sorority matches,” one Morgan Stanley analyst, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said. “Turns out, the market and sisterhood have more in common than you’d think — navigating highs and lows, perfecting timing and compatibility, diversifying your portfolio, and aiming for a long-term return on investment for both parties.”

Despite protests and chants of “sisterhood is about the heart, not the charts” from chapter advisor Ashleigh Smith and the more traditional Kappa Deltas, Carter aims to introduce the technology to all aspects of Greek Life. Carter has promised a future service that will connect her sisters with fraternity dates that will not ghost them after two weeks.

—8:30 P.M. Yell