Business Major’s Outie Gets Severed At Northgate
After binging the newest season of “Severance,” Mays Business senior Karl Marley made a shocking discovery: He gets severed every time he goes to Northgate.
“It’s so weird, every time I enter a bar on Northgate I immediately lose consciousness and don’t wake up until the next morning,” Marley said. “I must have gotten the procedure freshman year or something, but I have no recollection of it.”
Marley’s friends claim his innie is a completely different person, who seems to have no knowledge of his outie’s life or how to behave in public.
“He once peed on a cop’s bike,” finance senior Andrew Monehue, Marley’s friend, said. “He hadn’t even had anything to drink yet.”
Marley’s innie has been causing more and more problems for his outie to deal with.
“I’ve woken up in a jail cell multiple times,” Marley said. “I tell the police I’m innocent and whatever happened was my innie’s fault, but they must not watch ‘Severance’ because they never let me go.”
Marley is unclear as to who is responsible for his severance procedure, but he is determined to uncover the conspiracy by any means necessary.
“My innie keeps trying to leave me messages, but they just come out as scribbled gibberish,” Marley said. “Clearly, someone is hiding something.”
With no leads in sight, Marley has considered other radical options for dealing with his innie.
“I spoke with someone at the university who said they had a reintegration program,” Marley said. “Something called CAPS? I think I might try it out.”
Until Marley fully uncovers who put the severance chip in his head, students are advised to avoid Northgate at all costs and report any lapses in memory to the authorities.
— Mrs. Dabfire
Mrs. Dabfire is a woman of many talents: certified fish camp mom, unofficial MSC greeter, and full-time vape cloud. A theater major turned amateur intramural pickleball referee, Dabfire made a name for herself when she substituted for her younger cousin at New Student Conference and somehow left with three Breakaway T-shirts, a minor in Agricultural Leadership, and a job offer at Layne’s Chicken Fingers. Known for her emotional range (from giggling to sobbing during the Aggie War Hymn), she’s never seen without a pearl necklace, platform Crocs, and a Juul named “Ol’ Sarge.” She’s not your mom – she’s everybody’s mom. Just don’t ask what’s in her Owala.