Maroon Coats Unveil New Initiative: Hugging Custodians to Show Servant Leadership
Last week, Maroon Coats announced their boldest servant leadership initiative yet – mandatory hugging of custodial staff during all official appearances.
The program, nicknamed Operation Servant Embrace, was designed with intentionality at the forefront.
“Our goal,” said Maroon Coats president Mary Kay, “is to show other students that servant leadership is best expressed through physical affection, even if unsolicited.”
When asked whether custodians had been consulted, Kay clarified that “consultation” occurred when members silently handed them note cards reading “We see you” and an asymmetrical heart drawing.
Custodial staff, meanwhile, report mixed emotions.
“I suppose it’s nice that they notice us,” said staff member Jordan Parsons. “But I’ve been hugged three times today and it’s not even nine a.m.”
Maroon Coats are reportedly journaling about their experiences after each embrace, pursuing deep reflection on how the service truly changed them.
The initiative will culminate in a new statue outside Rudder Plaza depicting a Maroon Coat, a custodian and a painfully awkward side hug. The plaque will read: “For where two or more are gathered in Rudder Plaza, there is servant leadership among them.”
— Wolf of Wehner
Since before the FBI had even heard the name Jordan Belfort, the Wolf of Wehner has been active in high-profile business and political operations around the world. The Wolf played a key role in the Watergate scandal, the death of Princess Diana, the ‘08 recession and even estate budgeting for Jeffrey Epstein’s Island. The Wolf of Wehner does not deny their involvement in these scandals but rather openly discusses them to demonstrate their “vast experience and keen business acumen” when applying for summer internships in private equity and investment banking. The Wolf of Wehner, although elusive, can sometimes be spotted selling test answers before Accounting 229 exams, falsifying earnings projections in case competitions or talking loudly on the quiet floors of the West Campus Library. The future of American business is in the hands of this infamous individual whose LinkedIn profile (with 500+ connections) professes that “It is better to be rich than happy. Obviously.”