21st Birthday Way Less Fun than Princess-Themed Fifth Birthday
Following a night of standing in lines at Northgate and mediating conflicts between drunk friends, junior sports management major Analise Hayes declared that her 21st birthday party was much less enjoyable than her princess-themed fifth birthday. The news corroborates a 2007 statement made by Hayes where she said, “this is the best day of my life” after meeting both Snow White and Cinderella on the same afternoon.
“I don’t know why, but it just didn’t have the same sparkle,” Hayes said after a night of receiving shot book pages instead of ornate castle playsets and bejeweled princess figurines. “I feel like people came looking to get blackout drunk instead of to celebrate me, and no one even brought food,” Hayes said of the event, which featured no cameo appearances of fairytale characters.
However, lifelong friends of Hayes report that she may be recalling her fifth birthday too nostalgically. “I heard my mom went home with Analise’s uncle after that party, and I’m pretty sure it caused my parents’ divorce,” Hayes’s roommate Jackie Lacour said. “Also, she clearly doesn’t remember her brother pulling everyone’s hair or when she cried for her dad to save her on the bounce house.
Although the night may not have lived up to Hayes’s expectations, she says she will still remember her first night in a club favorably forever. “I saw my ex get rejected like four times from across Good Bull, so that felt pretty good.”
— MSC ALITTLE
You’ve seen him, the phantom of the Memorial Student Center, lurking in the back of the lunch crowd. Perhaps you caught a glimpse of him darting in and out of various conference rooms. MSC ALITTLE is the CEO of overcommitment, and a sucker for any organization with a pithy acronym. His motives are a mystery. Clout chasing? Resume building? Maybe he just really likes the food at Rev’s. Whatever the case, we count ourselves lucky to be swept away to his lair in the basement, to be tutored in time management and seizing the day.