Adventurous Engineer Describes Harrowing Exploration North of University
Last Monday, junior chemical engineering major Wren Atkins described her treacherous exploration north of University Drive into the land known as “Northgate.”
Atkins’ journey reportedly began when she and her study group were shamed into leaving her apartment after a phone call with her mother. “Mom kept saying that every night we spend studying is a night we could’ve used to get a blackout on Northgate. I’ve never even been drunk before,” Atkins said. “The only ethanol I’ve encountered is ACS reagent grade and is used as a solvent in experimental procedures.”
After arriving at the Northgate parking garage and walking down four flights of stairs, Atkins encountered early tribulations and was seen hyperventilating and vomiting into the outdoor trash can. Demonstrating grit and determination in the face of death, Atkins’ reportedly made her way to Shiner Park where she regained her life-preserving liquids from exotic grain-based drinks.
Surviving intoxication in an uncharted land was such an eye-opening experience. I felt like an excited photon,” Atkins said. “With all the flashing lights and loud music I truly felt like I was a part of the electromagnetic spectrum.”
Following the adventure, sources say Atkins is now considering bartending as an alternative career option due to her three years of experience with preparing solutions of varying complexity and newly developed love of alcoholic beverages.
—Soiled Science
A self-declared unique individual who may not be like other girls you meet, Soiled Science loves the earth and is really, truly outdoorsy. On any given weekend, you can find this horticulture major camping in minimalist style. Unlike other girls who might find themselves outdoors, Soiled Science has no qualms about poppin’ a squat in the woods and pushing out a ghost rider. She digs a cathole faster than you can ask her why she’s telling you about her bathroom habits. It’s getting a little old hearing about the benefits of fertilizer, but she does bring the most beautiful plants to our meetings.