Concerned Mom Wishes Loser Son Would Have Some Fun, Get an MIP
After their weekly phone call, Janet Ellis disclosed to The Mugdown that she wished her son, freshman engineering major Jack Ellis, would just take one night off from studying to get caught with an open bottle on Northgate. This desire was realized as Jack detailed how he planned to spend every weekend at Hullaballoo’s Collaborative Learning Center to ensure that he’ll be auto-admitted to computer science during ETAM.
Mrs. Ellis first became concerned for her son in November after a thorough search of his dorm revealed no liquor, edibles, or condoms. Seeing his 4.0 first-semester GPA confirmed suspicions that her son had a major problem.
“I wish Jack would learn that success and fulfillment are all about finding balance,” Mrs. Ellis said. “I know I was a lot happier in college once I traded 0.2 from my GPA for a weekly 0.2 blood alcohol content reading.”
Hours later, Mrs. Ellis forgot her worries after seeing Jack’s tech bro cousin, computer science major Paul Ellis, show off his new Tesla on Instagram and post about the Alaskan cruise he had gifted his mom with.
— MSC ALITTLE
You’ve seen him, the phantom of the Memorial Student Center, lurking in the back of the lunch crowd. Perhaps you caught a glimpse of him darting in and out of various conference rooms. MSC ALITTLE is the CEO of overcommitment, and a sucker for any organization with a pithy acronym. His motives are a mystery. Clout chasing? Resume building? Maybe he just really likes the food at Rev’s. Whatever the case, we count ourselves lucky to be swept away to his lair in the basement, to be tutored in time management and seizing the day.