COVID-19 Northgate Variant Detected

Emerging reports indicate that a new, more contagious strain of COVID-19 has been detected. Epidemiologists believe that the new variant originated from the Northgate bar district in College Station.

The new strain thrives best in poorly-ventilated conditions, namely dark rooms with sticky floors. Studies show that plexiglass shields are not an effective defense against this virus, which aligns with the medical expert consensus since last March.

It remains unclear when the new strain mutated, but scientists believe that it was sometime between sake bombs at Mama Sake and beers at the Dixie Chicken. Another possible time of origin was between the initial March 2020 lockdown and the introduction of a full restaurant menu at Logie’s. As for the exact location of origin, the initial sample was taken from a collection of straws in a fishbowl at Paddock Lane.

The variant appears to target individuals who are making the most of their final semester, enjoy wearing masks below their noses, and are okay with their actions contributing to the maxed-out capacity of available ICU beds in the Bryan-College Station area.

“I just wish that I had known better, you know?” said Paul Funk, who tested positive for the new variant last Friday. “Like, I wish someone had told me that partying in small, enclosed spaces without wearing a mask was dangerous.”

In order to prevent the spread of COVID-19, epidemiologists recommend going to the bar in your home.

 

— 4.0 & Tow and Ring Chunks