Graduating Senior Finally Grows Up

Swiftly coming to terms with the reality of his future in corporate America, senior business management major and active member of a men’s social organization Jordan Michaels realized how absolutely awful all of this is now.

“I remember my first ever Unicorn Cum shot like it was yesterday,” Michaels said, staring depressingly at a picture of David Bowie on the wall at Logie’s while ‘Sugar We’re Going Down’ drones on in the background. “But now… it holds no appeal.”

Behaviors widely considered normal and acceptable during college are quickly perceived as juvenile or dangerous upon graduation. Dumping Keystone light on chicks during Chilifest or drinking on Tuesday nights become problematic behaviors unfit for a father and husband. Smoking cigarettes swiftly shifts from I-don’t-care-what-you-think badassery to the leading cause of preventable death in the U.S., according to the CDC. This is not lost on Michaels.

“Do I need to change who I am?” Michaels could be overheard wondering out loud over a chugger of Coors Light. “I mean, there are only so many times I can listen to Mr. Brightside. What’s wrong with me? Is this what growing up feels like?”

With Chilifest quickly approaching, Michaels began making moves to distance himself from the habits that could easily become his undoing while saving up for one last blow-out to remember the old college days. He switched from traditional tobacco products like dip and cigarettes to a Juul, a trendy new e-cig, for health reasons. He started buying groceries and cleaning his bathroom once a month, a chore neglected since he signed his first lease three semesters ago.

Surveying his light smattering of sexual partners over the last three and a half years, he started to glimpse the reality he had not yet experienced true love. “That’s it,” Michaels said while deleting a half written ‘You up?’ text from his phone at 1:45 AM. “I’m going to finally become the person I want to be.”

 

— Howdy Boo Boo