About

Bellamy Partridge – Bellamy was famous before we ever met her. A feminism icon and a winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature for her bestselling book, “Two X Chromosomes and a Partridge in a Pear Tree”. Sure, she may not seem the usual comedic type, but she’s famous, so we wanted her.

Cactus Jack – Like Bellamy, we knew immediately that we wanted Cactus Jack on our team. It probably has to do with the fact that when we first met him, he was trying to figure out what it would feel like to lick a cactus. He’s sort of like the abandoned dog you come across on the side of the highway. He may be ugly, but we pulled over to watch and now we feel at least partially responsible for him.

Honey Bear – Is the name ironic? Maybe. Maybe not. Honestly, he’s been called that for longer than anyone has known him. He’s a sociopath and we don’t like talking  with him very much. So when the man says he’s called Honey Bear, we make damn sure to call him Honey Bear. He gets his articles turned in on time though, so we keep him around.

Sbisa Cookie – A living testament to the fact that the pen is mightier than the sword. We once saw him stab a dude with a pen. There was blood and ink everywhere. It was awesome. He never gets his articles turned in on time though,  so some wonder why we keep him around. Did we mention he once stabbed a dude with a pen?

Lone Star Lady – Can you take a guess where she’s from? Go ahead. Take a guess. If you guessed Pakistan, you’re an idiot. She’s from Somalia (We would like to apologize for that joke. It requires a working knowledge of both state and international flags). It was hard not to be interested when we got an application from a pirate. However, we soon realized she doesn’t have a hook, a pegleg, an eyepatch, or even a parrot. Turns out all she has is a large gun, a tiny fishing boat, and an alcohol problem. I suppose that last one’s sort of pirate-y. And hey, how many pirates do you work with?

Revelicious – Definition: Make them boys go loco. Wow. I kind of hate myself for making that joke. Then again, it would have been too much of a missed opportunity to not make the reference at all.  And as Revelicious exemplifies, that’s what we’re all about here at The Mugdown: obvious references and easy jokes. So delicious.

Riffety Raff – Riffety came to The Mugdown the same way he came into this world: crying, wet, and naked. We still aren’t sure why. In the seventh grade, he ran for class president on the platform of a winning smile, that is, until the platform fell over breaking both his arm and his dream of winning. He spends most of his time raking sand and listening to alternative post punk.

Beutel Call – After we watched him bounce out of the bed of an old F-150 on his way to the Beutel Health Center because he sliced his leg fighting a dinosaur fossil, he professed his life story to us, speaking highly of his many exploits rescuing road kill. We soon learned Beutel has a large poster with his face on every bulletin board labeled “DO NOT ADMIT. WILL POCKET TONGUE DEPRESSORS AND STICK BAND-AIDS TO WAITING ROOM CEILING.”

Samurai Sully – Visible only at night, he stalks the streets carrying a wooden kendo sword searching for cheap thrills and even cheaper puns. He caught our attention after holding Revelicious hostage with only his bare hands and a pistol he stole from the Yakuza. A father to three and mother to one, he breaks all expectations. To paint a picture, the man once breastfed a baby panda he stole from the zoo. Also, he’s totally not gay.

Commons Lobbyist – Everyone’s favorite person to talk to on their break at work: the guy obsessed with politics. You’ve been working for five hours now and nothing is more sacred to you than this all too short half hour to relax, but guess who’s waiting in the break room for someone to talk to. Again. Sure, try and quote that headline you read two or three months ago. It doesn’t matter, the Commons Lobbyist knows he’s better informed than you. He could smell it on you as soon as you rounded that corner.

Lonely Lighter – With that name, she was destined to join The Mugdown. Famous for wandering around Kyle Field alone during Midnight Yell, her name speaks for itself. Take a moment and picture the girl that comes to mind when you hear the name “Lonely Lighter”– whatever you’re picturing, that’s her. L2 (as she is known around HQ) enjoys long walks on the beach, chasing boots, and riding the elevator in Koldus.

Marco Ovo Queso Polo – A long name for a short guy. Marco can often be found on Friday nights at 3:00am after all the bars have closed taking straight shots of Fuego queso. Which is strange, because he is always insisting that Fuego Dip is better anyways. Either way, you will probably hear him attempting to rap like Drake long before you spot him and his cheese stained polo.

North by Northgate – If you’ve ever wondered who you have to thank for “north” at Texas A&M being pointed towards the local bar district instead of the north pole, look no further. A political activist and local alcoholic, his claim to fame and life achievement was convincing the city of College Station to legally define “north” as “of or denoting the direction from any specified area, city, or country towards the Northgate Entertainment District.”

Duncan Dough – Definitely, definitely not named for his rotund stature, Duncan Dough is a bubbly fellow of a healthy weight who is in charge of bringing the cookie dough made in Duncan Dining Hall over to Sbisa to be baked. That’s right. Sbisa Cookies are actually from Duncan, but it’s hard to taste the lies and betrayal through all that sugar. Oh, he also giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy if you poke him.

Zero Dark Eighty – Also known as the seemingly only person still at midnight yell at 1:20 in the morning. We say seemingly because our own Lonely Lighter was still there too. They became quick friends, and since they both get lonely pretty easily, we figured it was probably in both their best interests if we encouraged their friendship.

Silver Tapioca – He accidentally stumbled into silver taps while eating pudding. We don’t even know how it happened. But it was awkward, and he’d rather everybody just forgot about it. So if you don’t mind, please call him Silver Tapioca every chance you get. Thank you for your understanding.

E. King Trill – Does E. King Trill know everyone at Texas A&M?  Probably not.  Does everyone at Texas A&M know E. King Trill?  Absolutely.  He’s the guy that shows up to the party and knows the words to every song, no matter how hipster you might think you are.  Also, he may or may not have started all of the rumors that Drake was coming to visit Texas A&M.

War Hymnal – We haven’t met a more maroon-blooded Aggie than War Hymnal.  He can be seen across campus, whether it’s banner-holding for Breakaway or giving campus tours.  A man of true virtue, the only swear word he says is “hell,” but only when shouting “sounds like hell” during the Aggie War Hymn. He says he doesn’t feel guilty about it because his service at the Big Event serves as his annual repentance.

Century treeHarmony – Century treeHarmony and Lonely Lighter met at a speed dating convention and immediately bonded over their inability to communicate with the male sex. She has never faced the ill fate of walking under the Century Tree alone, but once had a close call with the Friendzone Branch. She describes the incident as the closest she wants to get to starring in an episode of “Beyond Scared Straight” and has since installed a shock collar system around the tree which she uses to warn herself if ever approaching the tree inadvertently.

Panda Expressions – Panda Expressions is that one overly artistic girl that never lets you forget that time she took a summer class for art history in Paris after her sophomore summer in high school. Though she is admittedly spoiled by daddy, Panda Expressions has rejected her posh life with all its upperclass advantages and now only shops at thrift stores with ironic or artistic names like “Blue Trash” or “The Rugged Ruby”. Her mom says it is just a phase, but Panda Expressions may or may not have a Mega Panda tattoo on her rib cage that proves otherwise.

A Midsummer’s Night Yell – Not as dirty as the name sounds. A Midsummer’s Night Yell earned her name due to her unique talent for calling the cows home each evening. Her prize possessions are her designer boots with The Bard himself embroidered onto the sides- frilly neck thing and all. Don’t let her country roots fool you, she could out-quote you in just about any area of Old English literature. Maw and Paw are just so proud of their little girl for making something of herself in “the big city.”

Bacon & Ags – It’s Sunday morning and you’ve woken up hungover and confused. “Man, last night’s house party was one for the books,” you think as you try and recall something, anything, about the party.  The smell of bacon floats in from the kitchen, and you stumble over to see who’s cooking.  You stand there in bewilderment— Bacon & Ags has cleaned up all of the empty bottles, cans, and Solo cups.  He has cinnamon rolls warming in the oven, bacon on the stovetop, and an assortment of fruits on the table.  You stutter, “Wow… I… uh… well,” but he cuts you off.  “I just love a good brunch,” he says.  “And since you threw such a great party, I thought the least I could do was clean it up and cook us some brunch! Here, I made some quiche— have some!”

Plug Down for Watt – Plug Down for Watt failed the Turing Test.  I guess that means she’s a robot or a computer or something?  I mean, it would explain a few things, like her perfect spelling and math skills, but she has a heart that no computer could ever have. Plug’s too funny to be a computer anyways!  So maybe she’s a cyborg.  A cyborg who’s on our side.

Corpus Escort – He’s got the bro tanks, he’s got the neon snapback, and yeah, he’s riding his longboard by you in the dismount zone. Corpus Escort spent his entire freshman year thinking he was at A&M Corpus Christi, but somehow still made good enough grades there to transfer to College Station, where he remained living at Z Islander and throwing the raddest pool parties in town. Sometimes he writes, but mostly he just brings the brownies.

Metta World Pizza – Pizza—it makes the world go ‘round. You could say that Metta likes to travel. You could say that, but that would be a lie. He just likes to sit at home and eat pizza and watch basketball, actually. Here at The Mugdown, we pride ourselves on a writer staff with a diverse background, which means that we even have a representation of that minority at A&M that likes basketball more than football. You’re welcome. On the other hand, everyone likes pizza, so Metta World Pizza is quite the all-star.

GingerbRedass – He definitely has more tattoos than you, but they are all inside jokes with his organizations and you will never see them unless he shows you. He wears his gameday overalls every day of the week, and only owns cowboy boots of varying levels of formality. He WILL scream his wildcat in your face, and he will not be sorry— just ask our last intern (we are actually really worried about him, if you find the poor guy please let us know).

InterYellar – We mostly just want to say we have had a yell leader on staff, so we picked out a freshman and have plans to train him up real good until his time comes. He types most of his articles with his nose while doing pushups and screaming the answers to grammar quizzes, so we have high hopes for the kid. You could even say he is…out of this world.

5k for Yell – Yes, you have met her, and yes, she knows your friend so and so from that thing that one time. She has handed you fliers, she has yelled at you from her banner holding post, your friend introduced her to you that one time in the MSC, you are friends on Facebook, and she is in at least two of your GroupMe’s. You hate her for always looking like she just worked out, but in reality she just has to be constantly maintaining a comfortable jog to get to her next meeting on time. We have never actually seen her in person, but sometimes she emails us good jokes, so we let her stay affiliated.

Netflix & Drill – Not like that, you pervert. Like Corps drills. Get your mind out of the gutter. “Why is ‘The Bridge on The River Kwai’ not on Netflix,” he shouts. Netflix & Drill doesn’t just stand for the Aggie football games, he remains standing for the entirety of every single weekend the Aggies play football, sitting down only to sleep.

Come and Bake It – Remember that one episode of NCIS where the sweet, concerned grandmother ended up being the killer, and for once you were ACTUALLY surprised? That’s Come and Bake It. She lives her life in the shadows, always smiling and looking sweet, but it is a sugary coating for a perilous interior. She is listening to your conversations, and she is laughing at them. She knows more about you than your closest friends do, just from looking at your shoes. And she does not like what she sees.

Gigsaw Puzzle – Do you remember that old lady across the street? The one who you were pretty sure was a witch, but she was really good at hiding it?  Not that you cared, of course. She always gave you those Werther’s Original® candies, and you’d be okay with anyone who gave you candy, regardless of their evil, supernatural powers. That woman is Gigsaw Puzzle. Did we mention that she can assemble a 1000 piece puzzle in under 45 minutes? Yeah, that’s pretty fast, according to Guinness. Like we said: witchcraft. There’s an excellent pun here about an author witch and her spelling, but the intern has been on a wordplay ban following last month’s incident.

Teenage Music Gig’em Turtles – Look, we’re not saying that pets are bad, but no one needs THAT many animals, right? Like, turtles are great but so is floor space? He almost drowned as a kid when he fell into an open tank at the aquarium and thought that the turtles inside saved him. Then he made his own religion where he worships them with death metal ballads. We’ve tried interventions and normal interactions with other humans. Too bad he’s convinced himself he only speaks turtle now, so he doesn’t understand us.

Lil Event – Don’t underestimate her size! She will make sure her service project gets done before noon. Just don’t count on her showing up at Kyle Field when the bigger event starts. Sure her project is rescuing puppies from Puppy Station, but someone has got to do it! She may be the littlest member of the staff but she has the biggest heart. If she isn’t busy working on her next article or advocating for Reveille’s rights, than you will most likely find her taking a nap.

Good Bullogna – Her ascent to the highest social class began in first grade, when she consistently brought the coolest lunch—Lunchables—to school each day, toting them in her Vera Bradley lunchbox. Never mind the fact that she only had Lunchables because her parents were too busy working high-stress careers to make her anything else, and she only had a Vera Bradley lunchbox because her parents bought her name-brand items to distract from their lack of engagement in her everyday life; Good Bullonga turned out just fine, if you ignore her crippling abandonment issues.

Mission Trippin’ – In an act of rebellion against his high school youth pastor, he discovered and consumed some rather exciting fungi on a domestic mission trip to the southside of San Antonio. That same night, though, during a worship service, he felt a call to a transform the world for Jesus through humor, abandoning his one-time drug habit in favor of a more addictive act: stand-up comedy. You can catch Mission Trippin’ cracking clean jokes for audiences of all ages at any local open mic, or on his YouTube channel, “Pre-Rapture Laughter.”

Koldus & Cream – A College Station native, K&C has wanted to join The Mugdown since middle school. She somehow discovered where our meetings were and began priming us with anonymously-provided pints of Blue Bell, eventually sending in her application spritzed with the scent of Rocky Road. We couldn’t resist.

Wrecking Crew Reba – Wrecking crew Reba’s crowning achievement is the restraining order Myles Garrett had to file against her. It’s framed (after all and hanging next to her first game day towel. No one is more zealous when it comes to defense, no one yells louder after a bone-crunching sack, and no one is quicker to throw up the WC hand sign. Wrecking crew Reba was probably the only Aggie who did not enjoy the Johnny Manziel era, constantly waxing poetic about Von Miller and 9 to 6 against Nebraska.

Big Brother Jed – Just when you think that you’ve eluded his many eyes and ears around campus, that’s when he’ll strike. Big Brother Jed is dedicated to eradicating the scourge of premarital sex sweeping this campus after his roommate freshman year sexiled him from their dorm room one too many times. Operating out of local coffee shops, he’s built up an intelligence network so fearsome administrators have begun referring to it as the Christian KGB. Tread lightly around him or you’ll be caught in the midst of a thought crime before you know it.

Fish Daddy – We really aren’t sure, but he’s definitely one of two things: 1) just an average marine biology major who loves his water bottle and spends a lot of time in Galveston; 2) the real-life inspiration for Disney Channel’s 1999 original movie The Thirteenth Year who has since discovered he can control his merman powers and survive on land for short periods of time in order to learn about his oceanic home and become an activist for Gulf Coast restoration projects. One of the two.

Hullakazoo – If you have ever attended Midnight Yell, you have unknowingly seen Hullakazoo. He marches in amongst the band wearing a Walmart army man Halloween costume whilst blasting his shrill kazoo into the midnight sky over Aggieland. You may hear his kazoo echoing down the halls of Evans library late at night, but you will never find him. Thankfully we are the only ones who could corner him and got him to join us and say some funny stuff every so often. The kazoo playing is really starting to bug us though.

Buffalo Wild Wags – Wait… you’ve never eaten wings at Duncan before? Woe is you, because there is only one cadet crafty enough to finagle Buffalo Wild Wings delivery to the Quad at any waking moment. If starving cadets have ever woken up drooling to the scent of Hot BBQ or Mango Habanero, you could blame her, if you knew who she was. But don’t be too upset, we can’t convince her to bring any to meetings either.

Howdy Boo Boo – She had all the makings of a star. Her natural extroversion, her flare for drama, and ability to cry on demand from a young age made her a promising candidate. However, a cruel twist of fate derailed her acting career, and she decided to make her life (and by extension, our lives) a living reality show. She never stops talking in meetings, but she puts out content as melodramatic and helplessly extra as her, which is a plus…right?

12th Man Bowels – It’s the middle of the third quarter, and those nachos you ate after tailgating aren’t sitting too well. You can’t stand it, and you make the long trek to the nearest Kyle Field bathroom. You make it in the nick of time…but the water isn’t running! You’ve heard the legend of 12th Man Bowels…but is he real? If he is, will he answer? You call on him, but nothing happens. Just as you begin to despair, as if on cue, water burst through the pipes. Toilets flush, hands may be washed, and you know, even though you can’t see him, 12th Man Bowels is with you…he is always with you.

Blue Biker – He learned to ride a bike before he learned to walk, and he’s the best on campus. He’s the guy you see holding a box of pizza in one hand and his phone in the other while he pedals effortlessly between crowds of pedestrians. He’s the perfect example of what every campus biker wishes they could be. And hey, it’s not his fault that a freak chemical accident turned his skin permanently blue when he was a child.

Hazed and Confused – Alright, alright, alright. You may think the frat daddy that always sits in the back of your math classes with a blank look on his face is just a hungover idiot. Well, you’re wrong. After going through both fraternity AND corps hazing, this soldier deserves your appreciation. Next time you’re in class taking an exam and covering your paper so he can’t cheat from behind you, give him a little peek. If he fails this class, that means another 100 burpees from his pisshead.

Whoop-Tang Clan – This rising star is still waiting for his Chilifest debut. He doesn’t go for the beer showers or undercooked corn dogs, he goes for the music. The guy who always has his earbuds in where you can’t tell if he’s talking to you or someone on the phone, this rapping talent is destined for the big stage in Snook, TX. Watch out, Professor Stuckey.

Left on Redass – The risky text. All you wanted to do was ask her out to Midnight Yell and get ice cream at McDonald’s (if the machine ever worked). This is Left on Redass’ life every Tuesday night leading up to home football games. What’s this? He got a notification? Did she text back? …but it’s the worst news of all…the text was green.

Mad Chaco – At approximately 8:55 p.m. every night at Mad Taco, as the employees are closing up, you can find Mad Chaco strolling in for her nightly GQ and breakfast taco. Though wearing Chacos, Mad claims no affiliation with the Christian Bubble, rather utilizing the shoes to hike Enchanted Rock and float the river on the weekends.

West Campus Mirage – Did you see her? Did you not see her? West Campus Mirage is as much a figment of our imagination as she is yours. Supposedly, she can’t come to meetings because all of her classes are on West Campus. Yet, no one has actually seen her in real life, only on the Bush School website.

Ring Chunks – No, Ring Chunks is feeling fine, really. Yeah, it was a long journey to the bottom of the pitcher, but she knew that coming into her dunk. That’s why she made sure to let it sit overnight and pick a light beer she didn’t care for and – oh. Oh no. Um, okay, let’s just move her here to the trash can – wait, why is it full? Oh God, Ring Chunks, just keep it together until we can reach the toilet – NO! NOT IN THE KITCHEN SINK!

The Maroon Scare – Remember that time you were walking on campus at night and saw a dark figure lurking by the main campus Aggie Express? You felt your hand twitch towards your phone, tempted to call the Corps Escort service or UPD. You began to sweat, wondering if you were just imagining the shrouded body. Don’t worry, that was just The Maroon Scare, an enigma within The Mugdown. Rumor has it, if you catch sight of The Maroon Scare on campus, you will not be engaged by the time you graduate.

Space Cadet – Space Cadet, oh, sweet, innocent, naive Space Cadet. Describing Space Cadet is difficult, but we will attempt to do him justice. Imagine a 120-pound, pale, 5’9, glasses-wearing, engineering Corps fish, that dreams of flying to the moon (though he would never pass that flight physical). Space Cadet spends his free time playing obscure card games and watching the live stream on the International Space Station.

t.u.kulele – In the basement of the MSC, there is a broom closet that holds a secret society that is lesser known to the student body: the Texas A&M Ukulele Society. t.u.kulele is the founding member, consistently playing “Can’t Help Falling in Love” and “Nevershoutnever,” while avoiding all academic responsibility.

Anime Sciences – Treading silently through the Kleberg Center amongst the yeeyees and horse girls, we find Anime Sciences making his way to class with his head bowed. An inattentive freshmen accidentally walks into him, and suddenly the crowded hallway goes hush. A mind-bendingly long series of close-ups, confused grunts, and angry growls signals the triggering of Anime Sciences’ wrath as he unsheathes his katana from its holster. Uttering a rapid flurry of insults in English that somehow don’t match the movement of his lips, he challenges the freshman to either flee or face certain death. The fish scampers off. Order is restored in West Campus.

12th Man Card – 12th Man Card is consistently losing his manhood, whether that be by skipping “Saturdays Are for the Boys” parties, drinking Michelob Lime Cactus, or holding his girlfriend’s purse during football games. 12th Man Card is willing to sacrifice his manliness for love, leaving him with a constant turnstile of love interests that never seem to satisfy his romantic needs.

Longboard of Regents – You know that douchebag that rides his longboard in the “No Bike Zone” between the Memorial Student Center and Rudder? Yeah, that’s our Longboard of Regents. When he actually shows up to meetings, you can count on him to sit in the back and Juul with his head drooping to the side as he tries not to fall asleep.

Thanks & Gingham – Thanks & Gingham is the reliable, picnic-blanket type of individual that you count on for everything. Whether it’s food at a potluck, a ride home from a social, or spotting you $5 for lunch. At meetings, you can count on Gingham to lend a helping hand in setting up chairs and distributing meeting snacks.

Christian Bubble Butt – Our ultimate insider into the religious side of Texas A&M, Christian Bubble Butt is known for her short stature and her enormous backside. At Breakaway, boys have to tear their eyes from her plump behind, pushing the temptation to the back of their head as they instead focus on their pursuit of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Panic! at the Flag Room – On an afternoon like any other in the Memorial Student Center, Panic! At the Flag Room emerges from her practice room underground. She taps out silent melodies on her leg as she ascends the stairs and heads toward Texas A&M’s living room and its iconic ebony grand piano. The seat is empty. Today is the day. After a few cautious notes, she launches into her ambitious rendition of “This is Gospel” with perfect flourish and aplomb. It’s elegant, it’s inspiring, it’s loud. It ruins everybody’s study session.

Magnum OPAS – In the shade behind the stage at Rudder Theatre, there is a box that holds exactly 28 Magnum Condoms, provided by none other than Magnum OPAS. A firm believer in “wrapping it before tapping it” Magnum OPAS offers condoms to the condomless, an advocate for safe sex and theatre alike.

Washboard Ags – Sure sure, we all know those muscle bound meatheads that infest weight rooms across the country, but here in Aggieland our dudebros are a little different.  Instead of slamming weights and kicking nerds, our beloved Washbord Ags always has encouraging words to say or is there to spot you when you push a bit too hard.  So if you ever see them at the rec giving the new folks helpful tips, be sure to buy them a smoothie to keep those Abs in proper Aggieland shape.

Wehner Dog – Holding her backpack close to her chest all day, one might think that Wehner Dog has separation anxiety. Ah, but no. She is trying to control her pet weiner dog that she carries to every class she has on West Campus. If you offer Wehner Dog a dog treat, she will do your homework for two weeks and fill out four consulting job applications for you.

Heldenfalls – Once an average student eons ago, Heldenfalls committed some unknown sin against the Aggie gods and has since been burdened with a strange punishment: She is forced to carry her backpack to the top of the infamous Heldenfels stairs only to fall back to the bottom again over and over for all eternity. Though this may seem like a horrible fate, the philosophy department argues that Heldenfalls’ endless task represents the absurd heroism of the human condition. Each atom of that backpack, each mineral flake of those concrete stairs, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a woman’s heart. One must imagine Heldenfalls happy.

Homewrecking Crew – Gentlemen, lock up your girlfriends, Homewrecking Crew is out on the town tonight.  He’s tall, brutishly handsome and has a smile that can melt even the most loyal of girl’s hearts.  Rumor has it that making prolonged contact with those dreamy eyes can make a relationship that lasted since high school dissolve into obscurity.  So if you’re hoping to give her that ring by spring, make sure you keep her safe from Homewrecking Crew!

Baptism by Dryer – You can find Baptism by Dryer fervently shouting “Come my children, experience the Lord’s warmth!” as he rotates through every laundry room in The Commons. He has spent the last four years proselytizing to unwilling freshmen while they fold their laundry with headphones in. Most don’t register a word he says, but some have heard his gospel and emerged from the laundry room changed (though his followers do keep disappearing after he officiates their conversion). We keep him around, but only because none of our members have disappeared…yet.

Plaid Libs – In order to fight the evil forces of (President Michael K. Young), Plaid Libs flew down from his birthplace in the cosmos to Earth, riding on a (frisky) ray of (tanks). Legend says that he is (45) years old, (17.32) feet tall, lives in (the back row of the Chem building lecture hall), and is positively brimming with (wetness). While fantastic at (vibing), he is a bit shy when it comes to his (garden). At the end of the day, though, The Mugdown keeps him around for his (30 rack). In order to summon him, chant the following words in front of an (anime body pillow) at (4:20) on a (Sunday): The (polyamorous) (cuckhold) (cannonballs) at sundown.

Century Pee – You may think you know what it means to be hydrated, but no one takes water balance more seriously than Century Pee. No need for diuretics, this girl moves through fluids faster than a freshman Q drops CHEM 111. Century Pee usually lumbers more slowly than Mother Time, but when she feels the urge to go, she can move at the speed of light. Century Pee has been known to collect empty water bottles around campus, but rumor has it she doesn’t use them as spitters. Her kidneys are working overtime at minimum wage, so if you are taking a seat she has recently vacated, be sure and check first for a puddle.

Downton Aggie – Once placed in a camel clutch by a crack-happy Maggie Smith, Downton Aggie is your typical prim and proper young lady. A wayfaring stranger, an accomplished snake charmer, and a veteran in foreign affairs, Downton Aggie mostly keeps to herself. At any dinner table, this paradigm of politeness is sure to please esteemed guests with her impression of General Ramirez barefoot on hot pavement. Be careful though, there’s more to Downton Aggie than her sunshiney, predictable disposition and her taste for timeless elegance. She also has a pet calico cat named Julio!

Flash It Back, Ags – You may have seen her skulking around campus in a beige trenchcoat, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal her ass to unsuspecting students. An exhibitionist at heart, she’s been arrested for streaking fifteen times since 2012. UPD is aware of her presence and is doing their best to keep her away from sporting events, graduations, and the background of promotional materials. You can often find her doing squats at the Rec. If you ask politely, she might just show you her assets.

Hiss and Tell – After finally plucking up the courage to ask that cutie to be his date to the football game, Hiss and Tell carefully pops a few mints into his mouth after an Aggie touchdown. He sniffs his armpits a few times, nervously turns to face his date, closes his eyes, and leans in to mug down. Sure, to the unwitting viewer it might look like someone is making out with a 4.78-meter long reticulated python, but to Hiss and Tell? Well, this is the start of a beautiful love story.

The Dixie Wiccan – This writer can be a real witch sometimes. No, really — she’s a card-carrying Wiccan who can’t wait to remind you that Christmas was originally a pagan holiday. Once a timid freshman evangelical, Dixie Wiccan found her new faith in (where else?) the women’s bathroom of the Dixie Chicken, proving once again that hitting up Northgate is akin to a spiritual experience.

Crystal MATLAB – Think of that tool that you always dread having in your group for a project. Yes, that’s the one, that no-good slacker who always rides on everyone’s coattails. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Crystal MATLAB. When he isn’t busy snorting drugs in a bathroom stall of Zachry, he can be found hastily attempting to copy someone’s MATLAB assignment that’s already past due.

Hullabaloo Balls – In the wee hours of the morning on the north side of campus, the echoes of basketballs dribbling and ping pong balls bouncing signal the presence of none other than Hullabaloo Balls. Neither UPD nor Rec employees have even come close to catching this black market sports equipment dealer. Realize you showed up to an intramural badminton game without your lucky shuttlecock? Like the Bat-Signal, Hullabaloo Balls will sense your panic and supply your needs, vanishing just as quickly as he appeared.

Broken Reed Arena – It’s 9:47 on a Thursday night. Your group project is due at midnight, and there’s one member who hasn’t added any of her work yet: Broken Reed Arena. She won’t answer her phone, but you know where she is from her Snapchat story — she’s faithfully cheering on the women’s basketball team. You say a prayer. Suddenly, at 11:53, her perfectly formatted portion of the project appears in the google drive, just in time for submission. No one knows how she does it, and no one dares to ask.

Maroon Gloat – Every single night before she goes to bed, Maroon Gloat plans her outfit for the next day. She gets cold easily and needs something to constantly insulate her. She has tried jackets, pullovers, and even shawls, but nothing keeps her warm like coats. One day, she discovered reds and purples looked best on her — specifically maroon. She wears maroon with such confidence that it’s now become her trademark. Rumour has it you can find her driving golf carts during campus tours… there’s even a football game honoring how good it looks on her.

Dead Pullout Society – For some people, another day means another dollar. But Dead Pullout Society views each day as a chance to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. After getting fired from his last job, he decided to come back to school. Somewhere along the way, he joined our org. He brings fresh energy to the team, but sometimes it’s a little too much — he keeps ripping up our books and won’t talk at meetings unless he’s standing on a table.

Milidairy Walk – Riding horseback and scanning the horizon for any cattle left behind, Milidairy Walk proudly lifts his hat and wipes the sweat from his brow. It’s been a long day on the range, and he is ready to get some shut-eye. As he takes in the beautiful sunset, he ponders what his family may do with the ranch generations from now. The sun slowly dips below the hills and Milidairy Walk turns for home, hoping to return before supper gets cold.

Clockwork Maroon – Oh, you’ve never seen Casablanca? What about Citizen Kane? Neither? Well, you won’t be hanging out with Clockwork Maroon anytime soon then. Our resident cinema buff takes movie quotes as seriously as hand-to-hand combat. Don’t even get him started about the symbolism of feet in Quentin Tarantino’s movies… seriously, please don’t. We need him to shut up about it already.

POLS Dancer – POLS Dancer didn’t ask for her life to be this way. She originally moved to the big city to follow her boyfriend but had nowhere to turn when he dumped her to pursue his career as a musician. One rainy night, she found herself at the door of Icon Night Lounge. Enthralled by the night life but unwilling to give up her studies, POLS Dancer stepped into the cage with a book on the political theories of John Locke in hand. If you go to the right-hand side of the stage on Thursday night, you can see her there, working to make her dreams a reality and reciting the teachings of Aristotle.

Crygon – Having a rough day? Need a place to curl up and think about the future? Crygon is the exclusive guide to all your mental breakdown needs. Failed your first Math 141 exam? Crygon is there in the Blocker stairwell. Got a D on a Naval Science exam as a D&C cadet? Crygon can take you to the Trigon basement. For all your various breakdown needs, Crygon is your man.

I Took a Pill in Sbisa – What’s Chartwells serving today? More pasta? Better get in line before — hey! That guy just cut in front of you! You start to tap him on the shoulder and ask just what the hell he thinks he’s doing, but then you see it: The grown-out platinum hair. The arm decked out in kandi bracelets. The pinpoint pupils. It’s I Took a Pill in Sbisa! He looks at you — no, through you — and glides away.

Midnight Smell – From the depths of the steam tunnels, cartoonishly green scent waves begin to emanate. They wrap around the live oaks, the leaves turning brown and dropping dead with a faint wail. Wait, it looks like someone’s coming out of the tunnel… oh holy shit. It’s your freshman engineering lab partner, and he still hasn’t showered! You try to run, but it’s too late. The cartoon scent waves grab your ankles and drag you screaming into the steam tunnels. Midnight Smell has struck again.

CTE-Walk – Several years ago during Elephant Walk, CTE-Walk took a major league bonk to the noggin when a squirrel dropped his nut-based breakfast on the unsuspecting senior. Disoriented, she looked up just in time to see an ACME anvil flatten her face into two dimensions. As CTE-Walk peeled herself off the pavement and reinflated, she walked into a faux doorway painted onto the wall of the Academic Building. In her confusion, she stumbled across the seal, dooming her to a never-ending Groundhog Day of senior year.

Haudi Arabia – The son of the richest oil sheikh in the Persian Gulf, it was only a matter of time before good ol’ Haudi came to the best petroleum school in the US of A. Haudi is just like any other guy at Texas A&M, cheering in his suite at games, jet-setting every weekend, and carpooling in his G-Wagon to class. While we don’t have corporate sponsors, we do love the oil industry for catering every meeting with Christopher’s. Drill habibi, drill!

Century Tree Hugger – Century Tree Hugger certainly puts the “mental” in environmental. Dedicated to rescuing the ever-declining tree population on campus, she won’t stop until Texas A&M is transformed from a barren brutalist wasteland into the leafy paradise of yore. We do wish it was easier to pry her arms away from the Century Tree when it comes time for our secret meetings, however.

Walton, Texas Ranger – Coming from a long line of beef cattle barons, Walton, Texas Ranger knows his way around a slab of meat. You can usually find him at Rosenthal in between the tenderloin and beef shoulder. He’s the envy of every man on the Aggie Barbecue team and the apple of every horse girl’s eye and, honestly, we can’t blame them.

Unsolicited Dunk Pic – Hey, you up? It’s big, it’s heavy, and it’ll all be finished in under a minute. You check your phone in the morning, and what is it you see but Unsolicited Dunk Pic? He never really gets invited to parties, but he is always there. His best friend list is huge, and he has been in every backyard in College Station. It’s an Aggie’s most sacred tradition. Be careful, sometimes he gets crowd shy.

Weeb King Gill – After giving it his best effort, Coach Dana X Bible called Weeb King Gill down from her throne as the president of the Aggie Anime Club to help Texas A&M pull off the impossible: finishing One Piece. Weeb King Gill proudly took up the mantle, and, clutching her dakimakura, carved out her place in Texas A&M history. Because of her heroism in our university’s darkest hour, Texas A&M is now known as the Home of the 12th One Punch Man.

Squat Pilgrim – Look, you didn’t ask for your roommate to be the buffest guy in the hall. You’re not opposed to staying fit, but if we’re being honest, you have no idea what this guy is up to most of the time. He’s always drinking brightly colored concoctions, going on about PRs, and blasting the worst music you’ve ever heard while he takes mirror pic after mirror pic. You can’t deny it though: the dude’s got some thighs. Some thick, thunderous, meaty thighs. Sometimes you wonder if it’s really jealousy you’re feeling or if it’s… something else. Never mind.

Hannibal Lechner – While Hannibal might come across as some psychotic murderer, he’s really just a University Honors student, got it? Yeah sure, he makes prolonged eye contact as you pass by the couches in the Lechner hallway, and his intense obsession with true crime podcasts might make you uneasy, but he’s maybe only a little bit of a sociopath at best. Leave the serial killer vibes to McFadden, okay?

4.0 & Tow – It’s late. It’s raining. You’ve been running late all day, so you decided to take the easy way out and just park in the restricted parking zone for your FINC 409 tutoring session. That’s when he gets you. 4.0 & Tow feeds off your desperation and despair as he gladly hooks up what’s left of your pride before happily driving off, waiting for you to come groveling back to him like you always do.

Aggie FacePlant – Ahhhh, a breath of stale College Station air thanks to yours truly. Environmentally conscious and clumsy at their core, Aggie FacePlant lives for the outdoors. Her leaves are full of secrets and her roots run deep throughout Texas A&M. She hides in camouflage but is always growing up something good. Is that poison ivy or cannabis? If Aggie FacePlant has anything to do with it, it’s probably both. Global warming is the least of your problems when Aggie Facplant is around.

Kushing Library – Don’t get the wrong impression, Kushing Library is a hard worker, but when he heard the university libraries don’t drug test their interns, it was love at first light. If you’re the studious type, you can occasionally hear the soft crackle of his dab pen from deep within the A&M archives. Get to know him, and he might even share Arya Stark’s Catspaw dagger that he hollowed out into his own personal pipe.

MSC ALITTLE – You’ve seen him, the phantom of the Memorial Student Center, lurking in the back of the lunch crowd. Perhaps you caught a glimpse of him darting in and out of various conference rooms. MSC ALITTLE is the CEO of overcommitment, and a sucker for any organization with a pithy acronym. His motives are a mystery. Clout chasing? Resume building? Maybe he just really likes the food at Rev’s. Whatever the case, we count ourselves lucky to be swept away to his lair in the basement, to be tutored in time management and seizing the day.

Do Rev Mi – If you have ever heard the loud, operatic singing filling your dorm’s halls that makes you want to ram your head into a wall, then you’ve definitely heard Do Rev Mi practicing. This singer was assigned the important task of singing Reveille her nightly lullabies to make sure she has a paw-fect night of sleep. Otherwise, she might try and bite someone, and we wouldn’t want that, right?

Book of Reveillations – You’ve heard her preaching outside at Academic Plaza as you make your way to class. Even as you walk by and attempt to avoid eye contact, she manages to corner you and forces you to engage in an intentional conversation. Book of Reveillations feels called to share her version of the gospel with any audience she can find, and the more captive, the better. The Rapture? End-of-times? It’s all happening, and she’s taking Reveille X with her. Sometimes she might say that you’re doomed to hell, but Book of Reveillations is just quirky like that.

Quadbuck Naked – A caffeine-addicted fish with nothing to lose, Quadbuck Naked would rather strip down to his birthday suit and do a unit run while singing a jodie than go a single day without his coffee. Granted, he is an expert in what he calls “whipping out,” and has been known to do so on command. When he’s not sitting in the center of the first three rows of the lecture hall, you can spot this crazy cadet on the Quad sipping from a Starbucks cup. Who knows, bootchasers, maybe he’ll buy you a caramel macchiato one of these days! All we ask is that you tell us whether his fish cut matches the drapes. 

Batt for Both Teams – A softball extraordinaire, Batt for Both Teams was an up-and-coming player of Texas A&M’s own. One fateful day after too little sleep under a too-bright sun, Batt for Both Teams stumbled from the outfield and into the batter’s box. She hit a home run that day, but for the wrong team. Now, neither of her partners will let her live it down. We just hope the sun doesn’t get too bright for her to write something for some other newspaper on campus… But that probably won’t happen… right?

Sharts and Rec – One day, Sharts and Rec was getting ready to go and get his pump on in the Student Rec Center. As any self-respecting, muscle-bound man would, he slammed a 64 ounce protein shake in the parking lot before he went to hit legs. At minute 37 of his workout, tragedy struck. Sharts and Rec was maxing out his squat when he felt a rumble deep in his large intestine. The protein shake was back with a vengeance. Choosing to trust his colonic muscle control, Sharts and Rec descended. In what could only be described as a peal of thunder, Sharts and Rec pooped his Gym Shark shorts, etching himself into the annals of the Rec weight room history. 

Hullabaloo Neglect Neglect – Hullabaloo Neglect Neglect is the king of commitment issues. Every week he seems to find a new hobby and source of identity, and he always goes all-in on purchasing supplies. He probably should’ve been on “Hoarders” by now from the looks of his apartment with its abandoned musical instruments, piles of different art supplies, dusty gaming consoles, shriveled houseplants, and once-used roller skates. He’s really tried it all! Oh no, don’t look in that aquarium— his betta fish phase didn’t last long. Let’s also not talk about his love life, because it’s not any better. But anyways, we love having Hullabaloo Neglect Neglect around, and we’re sure that The Mugdown isn’t just a phase for him!

Century Swingers – If there’s one thing the members of the Century Club know better than soliciting donations, it’s swinging. Regardless of age, gender, or income, these people are serious about cutting loose and swinging to their hearts’ content. And by swinging, we do mean swing sets. The Association’s master swinger, Century Swingers, is a pro at installing any type of swing: tree swings, rope swings, porch swings, sawhorse swings, you name it. Rumor has it he once went the full loop around a swing set, but we’ve yet to see it happen.

Soiled Science – A self-declared unique individual who may not be like other girls you meet, Soiled Science loves the earth and is really, truly outdoorsy. On any given weekend, you can find this horticulture major camping in minimalist style. Unlike other girls who might find themselves outdoors, Soiled Science has no qualms about poppin’ a squat in the woods and pushing out a ghost rider. She digs a cathole faster than you can ask her why she’s telling you about her bathroom habits. It’s getting a little old hearing about the benefits of fertilizer, but she does bring the most beautiful plants to our meetings.

House Boyz II Men – It’s weird to think that a few years ago a baby faced House Boyz II Men was cleaning the house kitchen. He used to pour the wine and light the fire; Girl, your wish was his command. You used to not think much of him, but since he left your sorority’s employ, he’s filled out his oversized blazer and has a real charm about him. It’s hard to admit, but you’re “Sympin’” now. Although you’ve come to the “End of the Road”, still you can’t let go. He has you wishing you could go back to the days your hold on him was strong. How could such a perfect thing go wrong? Can’t somebody tell you how to get things back the way they use to be? He used to do the dishes, now you’re down “On Bended Knee”.

Radio Reveille – Although being the handler of the First Lady of Aggieland is quite an honor, Radio Reveille’s favorite hour of the week is spotlighting as a host of a KANM radio show, 98.7 WOOF. It’s her sweet relief from the cesspool of khaki where she sprinkles in heartwarming anecdotes of her time with Reveille and that wretched country music Corps boys seem to like. If you tune in, you might be lucky enough to hear the weekly playing of “Who Let the Dogs Out” or even hear the elusive bark of Queen Reveille herself.

BIMS and Snap – One day after a particularly rough organic chemistry lab, BIMS and Snap needed a pick-me-up. After haphazardly driving her black, convertible Porsche down Texas Avenue, she screeched into the parking lot of the vet school, certain that a new sweatshirt from the College of Veterinary Medicine and Biomedical Sciences store would do the trick. As she was walking into VIDI, she saw an absolute hunk of a third-year vet student in a form-fitting white lab coat. Unsure of what to do, BIMS and Snap threw her lab goggles to the ground, dropped to grab them, and quickly snapped back up, hoping to get the vet student’s attention. Since the world is not like “Legally Blonde,” the vet student called CAPS, who recommended that BIMS and Snap channel her need for attention into something a little more productive, like satirical journalism.

Lock-T

Clone War Hymn

Yap Leader

Mrs. Dabfire

Menace to Sobriety

MSC Grasshole

8:30PM Yell

Agglet

Much Alamo About Nothing

Hullabapoo

Hello Dammit

Rudder Ducky

MSGlee

Northgate Crasher

Loco-Motive

Does this guy get anything right?