Local Apartment Dog Just Can’t Take It Anymore

Last week, local golden retriever Sarge announced that he just can’t take it anymore. Sarge explained that his owner, Laura Schultz, leaves him alone in her apartment for multiple hours while she travels to campus every day.

Sarge, a golden retriever with a fun personality, described how he had been driven to self-destructive thoughts in the painful time spent alone in the subpar student housing.

“My people were wolves once,” Sarge said. “Now, I’m forced to spend the next three years of my short life in this cramped apartment. Laura keeps telling me it’s not her fault that she’s gone so long because traffic is bad right now, but I know for a fact she stands in that Starbucks line twice a day.”

Laura originally purchased Sarge to be an emotional support pet and a friendly face to help her cope with anxiety. Sarge, however, has struggled to find a healthy outlet for his own excruciating anguish.

“Every time she closes that front door, it feels like my chest is being crushed by unbearable dread,” Sarge said. “Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that Laura’s boyfriend Jason is cheating on her. I smell the sidepiece’s poodle every time he walks into the apartment.”

Sarge admitted that he lives for the day that Laura discovers Jason’s infidelity. “I just know she’s gonna come crawling back to me when it all goes down.”

Fueled only by a roiling inferno of hatred and rage, Sarge still doesn’t know how much longer he can keep it together.

 

—World War Weeaboo