Unlovable Neighbor’s Ring Dunk Does Not Cause Traffic Jam
Last Saturday night, the street in front of your house was suspiciously navigable despite your neighbor’s ring dunk happening next door. You and your roommates came outside to witness the anomaly and shared the collective realization that the person dunking must have no friends.
“When I heard the ring dunk, I ran to the street to make sure that no one was about to parallel park in front of my driveway, but all of my neighbor’s guests fit in his assigned parking spots,” said Adam Chung, senior forensics major and your roommate. “Everyone was somehow there on time, too. I really feel bad that the guy doesn’t have friends who will show up late and block half the road to watch him puke.”
Although yells from the ring dunk seemed jubilant, the ability to safely back out of their driveways put some of your street’s residents on edge. “Either I live next to someone who can’t even get ten people to post him drinking on their Snapchat story,” junior accounting major Silvia Ramirez, said, “or all the noise was actually just staged to cover up some kind of drug operation or cult ritual.”
By 11:23 p.m., an hour after the ring dunk began, the uneasiness had evaporated. When Ramirez was asked how she distracted herselves from the potentially illicit worship or illegal transactions taking place next door, Ramirez replied that she called one of her Breakaway friends and checked on her magic mushroom spores.
— MSC ALITTLE
You’ve seen him, the phantom of the Memorial Student Center, lurking in the back of the lunch crowd. Perhaps you caught a glimpse of him darting in and out of various conference rooms. MSC ALITTLE is the CEO of overcommitment, and a sucker for any organization with a pithy acronym. His motives are a mystery. Clout chasing? Resume building? Maybe he just really likes the food at Rev’s. Whatever the case, we count ourselves lucky to be swept away to his lair in the basement, to be tutored in time management and seizing the day.