Loser Alert! Your Frat Brother Decided to Go to Rehab!
At last night’s chapter meeting, your loser fraternity brother announced that he will be forgoing his education and membership in your frat to attend a six-month inpatient rehab program. This could not have come at a worse time, as he was supposed to buy the keg for your party this weekend, and Chilifest is right around the corner.
How selfish of him!
Sure, you could hear him cracking open a 6:00 a.m. beer in the house every day, but since when did heavy day drinking have a serious impact on one’s long-term health? According to your other fraternity brothers, your newly-sober brother’s nagging girlfriend finally got through to him when she reminded him that his family has a history of alcoholism on both sides. If she could see how fast he took those four shots at your frat’s El Jefe mixer, she might have thought a little bit more about the significant consequences of her actions.
According to your frat brother, he realized he needed help when he woke up Monday with two Edward Fortyhands full of Sidewalk Slammer outside of Neely Hall. While you reassured him that that was totally awesome and offered him a beer when driving him back to the house, the chump still decided to check into a rehab program. Loser!
— Flash it Back, Ags
You may have seen her skulking around campus in a beige trenchcoat, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal her ass to unsuspecting students. An exhibitionist at heart, she’s been arrested for streaking fifteen times since 2012. UPD is aware of her presence and is doing their best to keep her away from sporting events, graduations, and the background of promotional materials. You can often find her doing squats at the Rec. If you ask politely, she might just show you her assets.