Clear Bag Policy Extended to Clothing
For the upcoming fall football season, Texas A&M University has announced an expansion of the current clear bag policy that will include attendees’ clothing. While some religious groups on campus have protested the immodesty of this policy, the university has remained firm in their decision, claiming it to be in the interest of safety. According to Texas A&M, the only non-clear garments allowed for attendees will be white or maroon undergarments.
“There is no way to prevent game attendees from concealing weapons or alcohol under their clothing without this rule,” an anonymous university official said. Despite the outcry from students, the St. Mary’s community, and alumni, there are no plans to ease restrictions. “We are deeply concerned about the profits A&M has been losing from students smuggling in their own food and drinks. Oh, and safety of course.”
Aggieland Outfitters and other nearby boutiques have already begun catering to this new policy. For just $59.99, students can purchase clear plastic overalls with maroon seaming and transparent red pockets. “We are so excited to offer this new line of clothing,” said a spokesperson for a local store in Century Square. “We are offering innovative technology like crotch vents to combat the heat and glitter, with plastic fabrics for extra flair.”
— Century Tree Hugger
Century Tree Hugger certainly puts the “mental” in environmental. Dedicated to rescuing the ever-declining tree population on campus, she won’t stop until Texas A&M is transformed from a barren brutalist wasteland into the leafy paradise of yore. We do wish it was easier to pry her arms away from the Century Tree when it comes time for our secret meetings, however.