God Excuses Church Absence for Alabama Ticket Pull
In a booming, ethereal voice that echoed across campus on Sunday at around 11:00 a.m., God, the Almighty Creator of the Universe, could be heard issuing an excused absence for all of His faithful disciples that had skipped church in the name of pulling tickets for the upcoming football game against Alabama.
“My steadfast and faithful children,” said the Holy Father. “So many of you sit here, toiling under the sun. You have ignored My house of worship, choosing instead to await the earthly pleasure of a first-deck football ticket. Every week you cry out, extolling My virtue to those who have not devoted their lives to the teaching of My word. Yet in this hour of loss, this time of great tragedy, you abandon Me, the Divine Justice of All Mankind? Would that it were the times of the Old Testament and I could free the Brazos Valley of your sinful proclivities.”
Sources report that an omnipotent laugh swept over College Station before the King of Kings declared with the voices of heaven singing behind him, “Oh my Me could you imagine if I were actually serious? Oh look at Me, big bad Old Testament God coming to rend your flesh. Ha! If y’all knew half of the excuses Paul gave Me while he was in Lystra you wouldn’t even feel bad.”
God then proceeded to excuse all of the ticket pull attendees from missing church, telling them to “be easy” before retreating back up to His eternal, righteous throne. At press time, God was overheard telling Saint Michael the Archangel about the number of people that would need to show up at Breakaway to warrant divine intervention during the Alabama game.
— Flash it Back, Ags
You may have seen her skulking around campus in a beige trenchcoat, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal her ass to unsuspecting students. An exhibitionist at heart, she’s been arrested for streaking fifteen times since 2012. UPD is aware of her presence and is doing their best to keep her away from sporting events, graduations, and the background of promotional materials. You can often find her doing squats at the Rec. If you ask politely, she might just show you her assets.