Texas A&M to Use ILCB Classrooms as Summoning Circle to Resurrect Old Army

Following a groundbreaking investigation conducted last Friday by the Texas A&M University Supernaturalist Club, SPOOKY, Texas A&M officials have been forced to confirm that the eerie, circular shapes of the instructional rooms within the Innovative Learning Classroom Building (ILCB) were actually designed to act as a series of summoning circles to resurrect the spirit of Old Army.

Though many students and professors thought them to be ordinary classrooms, the true nature of the annular architecture was a decision made by university administration in response to outcry from former students, describing a university that has drifted away from its traditional values and toward newer practices that are scary and unfamiliar. In order to address this discrepancy, Texas A&M officials made a deal with the demon Belphegor to trade the souls of current Aggies in order to restore the campus of both the students and ideals of old. According to a university spokesperson, students not sacrificed for the restoration of the university can expect a return to primarily white, male class demographics, though they will be able to find normalcy in the accustomed lack of systematic action by university officials regarding issues of racism, transphobia, and homophobia.

“I know it will cost us the souls of all of the students who love and cherish Texas A&M for what it has become today, but at the end of the day, we really just want to satisfy our Old Ag investors,” said Chancellor John Sharp. “Even though they left campus decades ago, we must keep their best interests in mind when making decisions that affect students today.” Despite the fact that many unhappy former Aggies also cited the university’s departure from “good, Christian values” into the “sinful ways of the devil” as reason for their dissatisfaction, officials decided that making a deal with an actual demon to sell the souls of their current students was the quickest and most efficient way to appease former students.

This decision may prove to be a challenge for the university’s sustainability in the long run, however, as sacrificed students may find it difficult to make donations to an alma mater that sold their soul.

 

— The Maroon Scare and Plaid Libs