How to Subtly Beg for Extra Gumby’s Pepperoni Rolls in a God-Honoring Way
In a true act of selfless service to the university community, I have spent my college career perfecting my approach at Gumby’s. During my exhaustive research, I identified four key steps to maximizing the likelihood of receiving free pepperoni rolls. By following these foolproof methods, you too can save $1.50 and enjoy inevitably feeling sick to your stomach after eating more pepperoni rolls than any human ever should. Here are four key steps to subtly begging for extra pepperoni rolls in a God-honoring way:
STEP 1: Don’t be an asshole
This one’s pretty self-explanatory. If you leave a tip and don’t act like a jerk, chances are that you will reap the sweet, doughy rewards of doing the bare minimum.
STEP 2: Look pathetic
Thankfully, this one comes pretty easily to most of us. You should never be looking your best at Gumby’s if you’re jonesing for extra rolls. Dressing haggardly is a sure-fire way to enhance your chances of gaining the sympathy of Gumby’s employees.
STEP 3: Go alone
Ordering eight pepperoni rolls by yourself is a statement in itself. By going alone, you’re definitely projecting the aura of a customer who most needs the solace of a few extra pepperoni rolls.
STEP 4: Go often
If you’re subsisting on pepperoni rolls often enough to be a regular, chances are that Gumby’s staff will take pity on you. Reap the rewards of your inevitable malnutrition!
—Heldenfalls
Once an average student eons ago, Heldenfalls committed some unknown sin against the Aggie gods and has since been burdened with a strange punishment: She is forced to carry her backpack to the top of the infamous Heldenfels stairs only to fall back to the bottom again over and over for all eternity. Though this may seem like a horrible fate, the philosophy department argues that Heldenfalls’ endless task represents the absurd heroism of the human condition. Each atom of that backpack, each mineral flake of those concrete stairs, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a woman’s heart. One must imagine Heldenfalls happy.