Freshman Politely Requests Redo of First Year
In an email sent to the Office of the Registrar late Thursday afternoon, freshman meteorology major Claire Sullins politely requested that her entire freshman year be expunged from school records and that she be granted a do-over. This request comes after the latest misfortune in a long line of tragic circumstances to befall the current freshman class.
Following a cold snap that transformed College Station into a waterless winter hellscape and a fall semester decimated by COVID-19, many freshmen have decided that their first year of college should not count. “I just feel like part of a decent freshman year at a top-ranked university should include having access to running water,” said Justin LaTorre, a freshman business major. “Aside from that, I haven’t even had an in-person class yet.”
Many students in the class of 2024 have echoed this sentiment. Some have gone so far as to create a Change.org petition calling on the university to delay admissions for the incoming class of 2025 until 2024 has “had their day in the sun.” Other freshmen have withdrawn, citing intent to enroll in Khan Academy and earn AP credit from home until the realities of adulthood become less daunting. One notable individual chose to walk-on to the football team with the sole intention of red-shirting this coming season.
Citing power outage issues, the Office of the Registrar could not be reached for comment at press time.
—Flash it Back, Ags
You may have seen her skulking around campus in a beige trenchcoat, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal her ass to unsuspecting students. An exhibitionist at heart, she’s been arrested for streaking fifteen times since 2012. UPD is aware of her presence and is doing their best to keep her away from sporting events, graduations, and the background of promotional materials. You can often find her doing squats at the Rec. If you ask politely, she might just show you her assets.