College Station Residents Erect Barrier to Keep Students From Returning
In an act of desperation, local College Station residents began piling sandbags around the perimeter of the city in hopes of preventing 50,000+ students from returning to the beleaguered community. College Station has been experiencing a surge in COVID-19 cases in the last few weeks, with local hospitals reaching 123% ICU occupancy on Friday, January 8th. Concerned citizens believe the return of students, many of whom have been flouting social distancing guidelines over the holidays, will be disastrous for the already overwhelmed local health system.
“A&M won’t do anything, so we’ve taken things into our hands,” said resident Gary Echols, pausing to heave a sandbag onto the growing barricade. “Of course we depend on the students to support our economy, but that won’t mean much when bodies start piling up in mobile morgues.”
Texas A&M University is requiring all student workers, on-campus residents, and system employees to get tested for COVID-19 before returning to campus. They have issued no such requirement for off-campus residents, who were likely the largest contributor to community spread last semester. Students are, however, required to complete a COVID-19 training online where they must solemnly swear to not be irresponsible.
Lacking guidance from the university, students have mixed feelings regarding whether to return or not. “Listen, I feel bad, but I’ve got to get away from my parents,” junior Marcy Reylon said. “My roommate and I already got COVID at Northgate last semester, so we probably can’t spread it again anyway.”
— Heldenfalls
Once an average student eons ago, Heldenfalls committed some unknown sin against the Aggie gods and has since been burdened with a strange punishment: She is forced to carry her backpack to the top of the infamous Heldenfels stairs only to fall back to the bottom again over and over for all eternity. Though this may seem like a horrible fate, the philosophy department argues that Heldenfalls’ endless task represents the absurd heroism of the human condition. Each atom of that backpack, each mineral flake of those concrete stairs, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a woman’s heart. One must imagine Heldenfalls happy.