Senior Design Tips: Summoning an Elder God

Howdy to all my engineering Ags out there! As I’m sure you’re all painfully aware, it’s that time of the semester again. Demonstration dates are drawing near, and if you’re anything like me, then your project still has a long way to go before it’s ready for show-and-tell.

Now, you could begin the slow spiral into madness, your despair feeding back in on itself as your failures multiply until the weight of your imperfections buries you alive, but why take the slow route? The end is inevitable, and with only a few weeks left in the semester, there’s no time to wait for sanity to depart you of its own accord. We’re engineers, and we know when it’s time to take matters into our own hands. That’s why I’m going to tell you about a simple and effective method I’ve found for making sure your project shapes up fast: Beseeching the aid of an Elder God.

Not an engineer? No need to worry! The Old Ones hear all the desperate cries of man, and with just a few small changes to this process, you too can bask in their glory for the briefest of instants before all of creation succumbs to their majesty!

Step 1: Find the Eldritch Horror That’s Right for You

While it might seem straightforward, this step is a crucial one. Gazing into the infinite abyss without any idea of what you’re looking for is not only a waste of time, but it can also be dangerous! You’ll need somewhere to start your search for an otherworldly patron, and luckily there are plenty of ways to find them. The university bookstore usually has a Necronomicon or two, but even the used version can cost you upwards of $400! If this isn’t in your budget, there’s no need to worry. Forums like Stack Overflow are full of solutions to all your Ancient Evil-related needs! Lots of these posts will even include the ritual chants and sacrifices you need to get started!

Step 2: Learn the Ritual

You’ve decided which Old One you’re going to sell your soul to, so now you need to learn how to go about summoning them. There’s a lot more to it than just making a sacrifice and waving your hands around willy-nilly while chanting some Latin incantations, you know. Some rituals are very specific about their requirements, and each ritual is different. You may even find several different rituals, all for summoning the same entity! Don’t let this intimidate you; even though every ritual has its ups and downs, the result is mostly going to be the same. After all, you’ve already damned your soul just by looking at them, and you’re going to bring the whole of humanity down with you, so no reason to sweat the details!

Step 3: Gather Your Supplies

Now that you’ve found a patron and a ritual to summon them with, you’ll need to gather the necessary supplies to finish the job. Ritual requirements vary wildly from one incantation to another, so it’s hard to build a comprehensive list of where you can find everything you need. There are some items that virtually every ritual has in common, and luckily there are some places in town you can get them easily! Looking for a sacrifice? Heldenfels is the perfect place. Those dissected frogs aren’t really helping anyone anyway, so they may as well contribute to something. Ritual chalk for protective circles is easy to come by as well. Ever since the university revoked our freedom of expression, most student organizations have had more leftover chalk than they know what to do with. Remember: even if you can’t find a way to “ethically” get what you need, all of humanity is doomed anyway, so do what you have to do, and consequences be damned!

Step 4: Recruit Willing Souls

Most rituals are next to impossible to complete alone, so you’ll need some backup. Luckily, you happen to know a group of desperate lowlifes with goals similar to yours: your capstone team! That’s right, they’ve failed you in every conceivable way so far, so why not give them one more opportunity? After all, the worst-case scenario is the sweet release of madness. If you’re looking for a smoother ride through your ritual, though, you may want to search elsewhere. A few tips on this topic: be careful where you recruit from. “Willing souls” does mean actual souls, so you’ll need to avoid anyone who has already sold theirs, like cadets or Mays students.

Step 5: Usher in the End of Days!

You’ve got the contact info, you know the ritual, and you have all the help and supplies you need. Now it’s time to reap your eternal reward! The location of your ritual usually doesn’t matter much, but it doesn’t get more poetic than the conclusion of the Age of Man taking place at the epicenter of so much of your pain: the Zachry building. Finishing your capstone is a great feeling, even if you do have to summon an ancient god from beyond the Veil to do it. Savor it while you can (especially since it’s the last thing you’ll do). You’ve earned it!

And that’s all there is to it! I hope you find this helpful, and if you’re struggling with getting your project finished in the last minutes, I hope you stumble across this handy guide. Good luck to everyone, and remember: we are not alone, and we were not the first. They are watching. They. Are. Waiting.

 

— Hullabaloo Balls