I Lived It: I Wasn’t Selected for Random Testing

Dear Mugdown, 

It has been 73 days since the first random testing date for COVID-19 at Texas A&M. 73 freaking days, and I still haven’t been chosen. Am I not good enough? Does A&M not find me worthy of being swabbed? How many times must I put myself at risk before A&M’s “random” algorithm finally decides I’m enough of a danger to merit being selected? My best friend Max is in the Corps and has already been “randomly selected” three times. God forbid I have to join the boys in khaki, but I will if it ensures I’ll finally get an email with those golden words: “You’ve been selected.”

I have never won anything in my life, but when the first round of emails came out announcing random testing, I could feel something was different: a voice in my head telling me this was it. I knew the tiny boost of validation from opening a mass university email would be enough to keep me going. So, I waited.

At first, the waiting wasn’t so bad. If I were gonna get picked, it would happen on the university’s time. But that knowledge wasn’t enough for me. I started to get anxious. Then I started playing their sick game. On day eight, I submitted a self-report form that I had been coughing more than usual. It could be a cold, but they would have to test me after that, right? Nothing.

Fine, I would have to play hardball. Two weeks later, I started tugging down my mask a little in class, hoping my professor would tip off the university. Instead, my professor just pulled off their mask completely and kept teaching. I knew then that I’d have to go to extreme lengths. I “accidentally” forwarded an email from Ol’ Ags about a mask-optional social event in someone’s unventilated basement to Michael K. Young. Did he care? Apparently not — he sent an email the next day congratulating us all for embodying the core value of selfless service.

This is my last chance. If any university officials are reading this, pick me. Choose me. Love me. I need it more than you could ever know.

Editorial note: The student featured above was selected during the last round of random testing. According to our sources, he opened the email but neglected to choose a testing slot, complaining that it was “too inconvenient.”

 

— Heldenfalls and Walton, Texas Ranger