President Young Forms Task Force to Choose a Balanced Breakfast
This article originally appeared in The Mugdown’s Fall 2020 print edition. To view a digital copy of the print edition, click here.
Earlier this week, President Michael K. Young announced in a campus-wide email that he plans to form a task force to decide which cereal he will have for breakfast each day. In his email, President Young clarified that his decision came after meeting with the appropriate representatives.
“Earlier today, I met with Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, and Count Chocula to discuss the importance of a balanced breakfast,” Young said. “We discussed how I can best obtain ten or more vitamins and minerals while still enjoying my breakfast every day. Effective immediately, I am announcing the creation of a task force on breakfast cereals. In addition, I am forming a commission on cartoons. This group will make informed recommendations every day so I know what to watch in tandem with my meal.”
It is expected that the task force will decide which milk he should choose to accommodate the caloric deficits or surpluses he might have eaten the previous day.
“I am looking forward to what they decide,” President Young said in a press release. “They expect to report back in three to four months. In the meantime, I won’t be able to make any changes to my diet whatsoever.”
President Young proceeded to thank the task force and commission as he would not have been able to make the decisions on his own.
— Anime Sciences
Treading silently through the Kleberg Center amongst the yeeyees and horse girls, we find Anime Sciences making his way to class with his head bowed. An inattentive freshmen accidentally walks into him, and suddenly the crowded hallway goes hush. A mind-bendingly long series of close-ups, confused grunts, and angry growls signals the triggering of Anime Sciences’ wrath as he unsheathes his katana from its holster. Uttering a rapid flurry of insults in English that somehow don’t match the movement of his lips, he challenges the freshman to either flee or face certain death. The fish scampers off. Order is restored in West Campus.