Oil Prices Drop to Record Lows, Texas A&M Infrastructure Violently Implodes

According to Bloomberg News, oil prices have dropped to below $20/barrel for the first time in over 18 years. This has posed a significant hardship on Texas A&M University as officials attempt to recover lost revenue due to less profitable oil production.

Texas A&M brings in millions of dollars every year from 2.1 million acres of state-granted West Texas oil-rich land that is valued at $3 billion. In this fiscal quarter alone, Texas A&M has suffered heavy losses in the tens of millions of dollars due to lack of oil revenue, leaving campus infrastructure and operations vulnerable.

To make up for losses from the turbulent market, the following petroleum industry professionals are cutting costs by rescinding their bids for building namesakes: John R. Blocker (Blocker Building), Ernest L. Wehner (Wehner Building), George Mitchell (Mitchell Physics Building), Sybil B. Harrington (Harrington Education Complex), Michel T. Halbouty (Halbouty Geosciences), H.B Zachry (Zachry Engineering Building), Bill Haynes (Civil Engineering Building), Joe C. Richardson (Petroleum Engineering Building), Jack E. Brown (Chemical Engineering Building), Robert Justus Kleberg (Kleberg Animal & Food Sciences). Many of these individuals are deceased and are being financially represented by their loved ones.

In a desperate attempt to recover educational funds, Texas A&M officials sent an email to former and current students encouraging them to pony up millions of dollars in exchange for the right to rename a building on campus, stating that “For the reasonable price of $10 million, you can hoist your family name on the academic building of your choice.”

According to Texas A&M officials, buildings with no name will be appropriately referred to as “Your Name Here” #1 through 9.

 

— Crystal MATLAB