Coronavirus Avoids Chilifest Due to Sanitation Concerns

COVID-19, commonly known as the coronavirus, has announced its plans to avoid Chilifest 2020 due to growing concern surrounding the music festival’s poor sanitation practices. 

A country music festival held each spring in Snook, Texas, Chilifest is famous for its beer showers, low-cut jorts, and overall poor standards of hygiene. Recent years have seen a rise in popularity of a practice referred to as the “piss corner” in which urine is deposited in designated corners of the temporary structures or “builds” that populate Chilifest. The urine is then free to flow out and mix with the mud that finely covers everything at the festival site. 

Chilifest appears to be the one place capable of repelling coronavirus. While other large events such as the Houston Rodeo and SXSW have been canceled due to concerns about spreading disease, the residents of Bryan-College Station appear to be unconcerned about the horrific sanitation practices that have managed to dissuade a deadly virus from attending.

“My fraternity brothers and I have been rolling around in that mud since we were pledges,” senior Augustus Chiggins said. “Coronavirus? Try gonorrhea on for size. I’ve been through worse.”     

After the coronavirus announced its plans to stay home and self-quarantine for the requisite two weeks, the World Health Organization classified Snook as a Level 2 threat to public health and is advising against nonessential travel to and from the region.

 

— Ring Chunks & Crystal MATLAB