University Police Department to Offer Defensive Driving in WCG
The University Police Department (UPD) gave a press conference on Monday to announce that they will be facilitating a new defensive driving course in West Campus Garage. According to UPD spokesperson Angela Zarles, drivers will have their traffic citation dismissed if they pay the required administrative fees and successfully complete the new course.
Patrol sergeant Chales Yuntz is leading the course, which will be offered on a monthly basis to drivers cited for moving violations on or near the Texas A&M University campus. “West Campus Garage is the perfect location for a defensive driving course,” Yuntz said. “Drivers can practice making sudden stops, driving frustratingly slow, and anticipating the actions of other shockingly reckless student drivers in a natural environment.”
The number of traffic citations issued by UPD has steadily increased since last quarter. Proponents hope the new option will be convenient both for local residents and the overburdened Municipal Court. Critics argue that the new defensive driving course presents a conflict of interest, as the money paid by drivers taking the course will directly support the UPD’s traffic patrol operations.
“I’d rather just pay the ticket,” said student Dominic Velos when asked for comment. “I spend enough time navigating the hellhole that is West Campus Garage.”
—Heldenfalls
Once an average student eons ago, Heldenfalls committed some unknown sin against the Aggie gods and has since been burdened with a strange punishment: She is forced to carry her backpack to the top of the infamous Heldenfels stairs only to fall back to the bottom again over and over for all eternity. Though this may seem like a horrible fate, the philosophy department argues that Heldenfalls’ endless task represents the absurd heroism of the human condition. Each atom of that backpack, each mineral flake of those concrete stairs, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a woman’s heart. One must imagine Heldenfalls happy.