E-Cig Ban Encourages Students to Endanger Health More Traditionally

Earlier this week, Texas A&M Chancellor John Sharp announced a systemwide ban on the use of all vaping and electronic cigarette products, which have been gaining widespread popularity among college students and young adults. This complete ban does not extend to old-school nicotine consumption methods such as cigarettes and chewing tobacco. 

“There is a serious, unprecedented health crisis going on,” Chancellor Sharp said during a press event on Wednesday. “Electronic cigarettes and vaping, both of which contain harmful chemicals and nicotine, have been linked to sickness and lung disease. Multiple deaths and hundreds of lung injury cases have been reported and can only be linked back to electronic cigarettes and vaping.” Halfway through the event, he excused himself to take a smoke break outside. 

While there are currently designated smoking areas on campus, there will be no such provision for e-cigarette or vape users.

“The health of our students, faculty, and staff is one of my top priorities,” said Sharp with a lip full of chew. “That is why this ban applies to all system properties and outdoor spaces.” After pausing on stage to spit in a plastic water bottle, Sharp continued. “This decision will save the lives of countless members of the Aggie family. I thank you all for your cooperation.” 

While leaving the event, Sharp was overheard shouting “Get me another cigarette, dammit!” Anonymous reports indicate that e-cigarette and vape speakeasies are rapidly being built in the steam tunnels underneath campus. 

 

—Longboard of Regents