University Hosts First Parents’ Scholarship Banquet
Last Thursday evening, Texas A&M University hosted its first Parents’ Scholarship Banquet. Students from each college were required to attend an off-campus dinner to meet with the donors who have agreed to cover their entire tuition— their parents.
Parents were thrilled with the event. “I am so glad I finally got to see how my son has been doing in school,” said Mr. Wade, a donor who attended the banquet. “My wife and I have not gotten to talk to him much. He’s been so busy with school!”
After donating most of their savings, these parents had the opportunity to spend a few hours with the child they spent decades raising. “This night was truly amazing,” said Mrs. Wade. “I’m so grateful that my husband and I could put such a fine young man through college.”
Students, however, were not so thrilled. “I’ve been successfully avoiding my parents since Christmas. I even went on a trip over spring break so I wouldn’t have to go home,” said Russell Wade. “I’ve spent a while building up this huge facade that I’m super busy with school. I get that they pay for my education and all, but can’t I just thank them over text like usual?”
Despite student complaints, the university is expecting to host the event again. “We are thrilled with the results,” reported a university official. “We’ll definitely be doing this again next year. It seems the only way we’ll get students to have a meal with their parents is by force.”
—Anime Sciences
Treading silently through the Kleberg Center amongst the yeeyees and horse girls, we find Anime Sciences making his way to class with his head bowed. An inattentive freshmen accidentally walks into him, and suddenly the crowded hallway goes hush. A mind-bendingly long series of close-ups, confused grunts, and angry growls signals the triggering of Anime Sciences’ wrath as he unsheathes his katana from its holster. Uttering a rapid flurry of insults in English that somehow don’t match the movement of his lips, he challenges the freshman to either flee or face certain death. The fish scampers off. Order is restored in West Campus.