Breaking: President Young Bans Sale of Pitchers

Early this morning, President Young announced that he has partnered with Brazos County to ban the sale of all beer pitchers in the area. Following the message, Ring dunkers have begun scavenging for lone pitchers and are searching for alternative ways to dunk their rings, a tradition stemming from the extensive past between Texas A&M and alcoholism. For the unacquainted, the ring dunk is a ritual in which students who have recently received their Aggie ring place their ring at the bottom of a traditionally sized pitcher and chug the beer as quickly as possible.

“I’m so lucky I bought my pitcher last week,” said Carl Borgo, a junior Physics major. “Otherwise I’d be using my betta’s fishbowl to dunk in.”

Without pitchers, students are creating innovative ways to dunk their rings. Due to the sudden lack of standard sizing, conflicts have arisen on how much beer is actually used for a dunk. Traditionally, the pitchers hold four 12 ounce beers. Students have resorted to using fish bowls, gallon cowboy hats, and an assortment of other household items.

“Supposedly, Young doesn’t like how the Ring Dunk makes Texas A&M look. A bunch of under-age hoodlums chugging beer is not the image he wants to create,” said an anonymous source close to the President. “Maintaining Texas A&M’s stellar SEC reputation is imperative to the President, and removing pitcher sales should halt the Ring Dunk tradition.”

The ban will be implemented starting this Friday as long as the vote goes through the Bryan/College Station city councils. Reports indicate that Navasota will begin to sell ring pitchers to meet the upcoming need of students who have not already purchased their own.

 

—Buffalo Wild Wags