Future Neuroscientist Passes Out At Tailgate

Biomedical sciences student and eventual internationally renowned neuroscientist Pratik Anand created a scene near the south entrance of Reed Arena last weekend after consuming excessive amounts of alcohol and passing out at a friend’s tailgate.

Anand, who would be admitted into the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine in two years from this date, woke up Saturday at 6 am to pre-game for the 6 pm kickoff. Quickly downing two beers with his roommates, he began a day he would not remember until many years later, when the advanced memory retrieval techniques that he himself pioneered became commonplace.

After finding a parking spot designated for several different businesses, thus making his car immune from being towed by any of them, Anand and his friends began the trek to their tailgate with flasks in hand. Passing through the crowds near the MSC, Anand quickly took a shot of fireball, surrounded by hundreds of people whose lifespans would be vastly increased by the results of his research.

As the morning continued and the liquor flowed, Anand’s normally soft-spoken manner became louder, and his movements less steady. After interrupting a conversation with an acquaintance to interject a bizarre and incoherent political rant, the man who would eventually be known as “Humanity’s Greatest Benefactor” staggered to the nearest trash can to vomit. Anand loudly proclaimed to all who were interested (and many more who were not) that he was fine, before promptly passing out with his head resting inside the trash can.

Onlookers managed to lift Anand out of the trashcan. Meanwhile, several of his friends left their tailgate to take him to the hospital, where he remained unconscious until early Sunday morning. Historians would later write that the events of this day are what motivated Anand’s research, which would successfully disable the brain’s addiction centers.

 

–Big Brother Jed