Reckless Moron Thinks It’s Okay to Bike on Sidewalks

Anger and discontent permeated campus on Wednesday morning as reckless moron Ricky Pflieger decided to ride his bicycle through a crowded sidewalk clearly designed for foot traffic.

Pflieger, a sophomore communications major and inconsiderate jerk, defended the action. “The sidewalks are just so crowded and the buses are slow so I figured I would get a bike,” said the imbecile who has no regard for common courtesy. “I know there are designated bike lanes on roads that are almost completely traffic-free with the exception of some buses, but I figured if I just plowed through innocent pedestrians, I could get to the front door of Harrington and wouldn’t have to use the back door.”

Freshman Rodrigo Visigo was one of the many students left in the wake of destruction. “I’m only a freshman and even I know that, according to Title 7, Subtitle C, Chapter 551 of the Texas State Transportation Code Statutes, ‘a bicycle is a vehicle, and a person operating a bicycle has the rights and duties applicable to a driver operating a vehicle,’” said Visigo, whose conscience gives him a sense of how his actions might affect those around him. “All laws and signs regulating the movement of vehicles upon the roadway also apply to bicycles.”

Despite the outrage shared by every pedestrian on campus, by Wednesday afternoon, campus scorn shifted to a junior political science major. Oblivious half-wit Aleisha Davis had caused every pedestrian on the sidewalk to step off into mud in front of the Northgate Post Office, despite the entire road being one giant goddamn bike lane.

 

—North by Northgate