Chancellor Sharp Tapped to Bring Disastrous A&M Infrastructure to Houston

Last week, Texas Governor Greg Abbott tapped Texas A&M Chancellor John Sharp to spearhead the state-wide rebuilding effort in the wake of Hurricane Harvey. Abbott explained this at a press conference after he announced the decision. “Harvey was an unprecedented disaster for the Gulf Coast of Texas,” said Abbott. “In order to combat disasters, we need a man who is intimately familiar with them, and Chancellor Sharp is that man. Sharp goes to work every day surrounded by the disaster that is Texas A&M’s infrastructure, so I am excited to watch him apply the lessons he has learned in College Station on a much larger scale.”

The first step for Sharp was to establish public transit for the thousands who lost their cars in the historic flooding. To this end, Texas A&M transportation services will be extending all of their off-campus bus routes to include stops throughout the greater Houston area. “Let’s face it, if you’re taking the bus to class, you weren’t going to get there on time anyway,” said Sharp, anticipating the student outcry as Route 12 buses add stops in Katy, Midtown, and Clear Lake. “What’s an extra hour or six in the grand scheme of things?”

In addition, Sharp has also announced that all Houston food banks will be privatized and outsourced to Chartwells. Well-known for their occasionally edible food, restricted hours, and extortionate pricing, Chartwells will be able to provide a service where public aid falls short. Entry to a Chartwells Relief Center™ will require the purchase of a meal pass for a one-off meal or a dining plan for repeated visits. Instead of donating canned goods, Chartwells is encouraging donors to offer their meal passes online that can be used to swipe someone in for free.

Lastly, Sharp will also be erecting many additional parking garages throughout Houston. Many think this is a questionable decision, as it contradicts the emphasis on public transit shown by his extension of the Aggie Spirit bus routes. However, Sharp is adamant that this is the way forward. “Look, you just have to build parking garages,” said Sharp in a mystifying statement at a press conference last week. “The how or the why doesn’t matter much. They simply have to be built. I mean, I could stop building parking garages at any time if I wanted to. But I don’t want to stop, and so parking garages it is. Would you rather have a city that is underwater or a city that is not underwater and also has a lot of parking garages? I know what I would choose, and I’ll give you a hint: It begins with a ‘P’ and ends in ‘-arking garages.’”

[Note: Sharp continued to lecture on the need for parking garages in a similar fashion for several more minutes before being escorted off the stage]

 

—Big Brother Jed