What You Missed: Corps Policy Updates

At the start of each academic year, the Corps of Cadets holds its annual Corps Policy Update Brief, a highly anticipated event designed to put cadets in the right mindset to start the year off with proper levels of begrudgement towards Corps Staff and the Office of the Commandant.

In case you happen to be a non-reg not required to spend Sundays in Rudder or a cadet that simply fell asleep, fret not— The Mugdown has provided a briefer-than-the-brief summary of the 2016- 2017 Policy Updates.

These changes belong to a greater effort to bring the Corps of Cadets into the 21st century and the 2016- 2017 Policy Changes reflect updates in procedures to modernize cadet life.

ON-THE-QUAD

Over the past year, many junior and sophomore cadets have complained about the rough and abrasive language used by the senior class. Shouting things like “Peak your bider, pisshead!” or telling them to correct their uniforms has caused severe emotional trauma amongst cadets.

The Office of the Commandant even proposed putting all cadets in the same type of hat to prevent the prevalent peak privilege problem. The statement gained traction after it was mentioned that it would be a policy that reverted to Old Army values and would please donors former cadets.

Cecille Sorio, Corps Commander, instructed cadets to correct others in the following manner: “With all due respect, please check your privilege.” “Remember, you must be respectful and not offend the cadet.”

Additionally, forcing fish to leave the Quad through the aches is an archaic and meaningless tradition. It serves no purpose and damages the academic mission of the Corps and will be removed from Corps policy. Besides, there isn’t a way to dictate compliance of minute rules in an organization based around discipline.

This also lead to the dismissal of whipping out on the Quad in its current form. Freshmen cadets will now introduce themselves to upperclassmen all over campus. Now, a safe space exists all over campus where cadets can introduce each other without hurting their vocal chords yelling. Removing whipping out is the final step in making cadets look and act totally normal and not weird at all.

The Corps also expects more freshmen to participate in physical training now that fish will no longer suffer from bruised ribs and crushed hands as a side-effect of whipping out.

OFF-THE-QUAD

With the push for cadets to become involved off campus, policy additions allowed this to become easier for cadets. Unless that organization is Student Bonfire. The Policy Update brief openly declared its position on the organization, previously relying on unit commanders to conduct the ban. The premise is based on fears that upperclassmen will dictate how a fish spends their Sunday. To prevent this, they will dictate how a freshmen may not spend their Sunday.

NEW ARMY DUNCAN  |  Sponsored by Chartwells®

For generations, cadets have behaved and dined in Duncan in a way that dates back to the mid-1900s. However, with the new Quad comes a new Duncan. Cadets must grab a single plate of food in an orderly fashion, sit down with their unit, and refrain from complaining.

At all costs, the phrase “No lines in Duncan” must not be used. It is a phrase that incites violence and anarchy in our community, and using the phrase will propel cadets into the chaos of the battlefield over a bowl of applesauce.  The new approach combines the proven efficiency of exiting an airplane and queuing at the DMV.

The biggest change, however, to Duncan Dining Center is the introduction of the patented New Cooking System!™ The food will be so fresh that you won’t need to eat more than one chicken breast to remain full until the next morning!  But wait— THERE’S MORE!  The first 200 cadets into Duncan will receive a free spoon with your meal!

THE STANDARD

Male cadets have long complained about female cadets being able to wear their hair in the men’s style, with looser regulations. In order for the Corps to adapt to a more progressive generation of millennial cadets, hair equality has been established within the Corps. Male cadets will now be allowed to wear their hair in a bun, in order to promote gender equality between the two sexes.

 
Don’t worry though, it could be worse. You could leave the brief early- only to be caught in the rain.

— Netflix & Drill, North by Northgate