Opinion: Why Won’t People Let Me Help Them?

Why? Why would you not want a snickerdoodle?

And it’s free, too. A free snickerdoodle!

I mean, I understand if you are on your way to class, but it takes, like, one second to walk by our table and grab this free cookie.

Okay, okay, maybe you don’t like snickerdoodles, but we have a wide variety of snacks here.

I know you can see them because you just glanced over here.

Do you like Welch’s fruit snacks? Everyone likes those, right?

We are offering you free food, at no cost, a sum total of zero dollars.

You are in college, right?

Why would a college student pass up free food? It’s not like we have piles of free food stored up in our dorm rooms.

Unless…oh, I see. I bet you are the kind of person who got Welch’s fruit snacks whenever you wanted as a kid.

I bet mommy and daddy got you all the varieties, too.

Concord Grape. Fruit Punch. Berries ‘n Cherries. Even Apple Orchard Medley. Lucky.

My mom could only afford the cheap knock-off brand of gummy snacks that tasted kind of chalky and came in “fun” assorted shapes. How can you have fun if you can’t tell what it is?!

You want me to tell you the only time I ever got Welch’s fruit snacks?

I worked at a movie theater in high school, and the kid’s packs each came with a small packet of Welch’s fruit snacks.

I couldn’t sneak any because my manager was always watching, but after the latest kiddie flick let out, I could always find at least one unopened packet that had been dropped behind a seat and forgotten by some ungrateful child.

I would grab the packet, covered in artificial butter, Coke, and who-knows-what-other sticky substances.

I would rip it open, and as my manager watched from the dim doorway of the theater (his mouth contorted in a smirk, finding schadenfreude in my desperation), I would gobble down every last fruity gelatin morsel.

And you walk by like these free snacks are nothing?! You narcissistic, parasitic, bourgeoisie swine!

Phew! Sorry for the digression. Anyway, have a blessed day, and please consider coming to our Bible study!

—Blair Vamptrapp