Animal Services Called After Engineering Student Spotted in WCL

Early Thursday morning, animal services officers responded to a call about a “deranged beast” loose in West Campus Library. Upon removal, non-business major bystanders identified the unknown creature as a lost engineering student.

Business majors on the scene swore that to the reasonable spectator, there was no way of knowing that the engineer was a student at Texas A&M who regularly used WCL.

“You should have seen the way it walked in here, man,” sophomore Trophy-Husband major James Applegate said. “It came in the door, went straight to the quiet section, sat down and started…studying.”

Onlookers were stunned when the strange student failed to recognize at least five people, lacked any organization-affiliated clothing, and was peculiarly unaccustomed to humble bragging.

“Listen, you don’t just walk into WCL and start studying,” Applegate said. “WCL isn’t a place to study. You come here to get coffee, see a ton of people you know, and brag to them about how awesome you are— how many date parties you went to this week, how drunk you got, how successful your event was.”

The students in the library, already on edge, said that they started fearing for their lives when the engineer pulled out his homework.

“It was horrible!” sophomore Granola-and-Proud major Andrew Parke said.  “The numbers…the equations….my God, it was like taking Math 142 all over again.”

Several onlookers called College Station Animal Control, which promptly removed the engineer. Their mistake was uncovered later, when another STEM major identified the engineer as a human, not a feral beast.

Far from apologizing, the Wehner community has banded together to respond to this incident. Business Student Council, Ol’ Ags, One Army, every fraternity, and several other groups whose members spend at least half of their day secluded in the WCL bubble, have united to propose instituting “Business Safe Zones,” where no engineers would be allowed to bring in any upper-level math homework.

“As a minority on this campus, we feel victimized,” an anonymous business superstar said. “Business majors don’t need to be reminded that other people at this university have harder majors than us. We have a right to believe the hardest class at A&M is MGMT 211! We have the right to never hear someone say that hard skills are just as important as soft skills!”

The newly named “Offended Business Coalition,” has submitted a list of demands to President Michael Young, contending that all business major student leaders will quit if their demands are not met. The list includes radical steps such as building a wall around the engineering section of campus.

“We won’t stand for it anymore,”said Applegate. “We need to end the culture of microaggression and systemic ridicule of business majors, and the only way to do that is to hold engineers hostage and keep them from doing anything. It is only logical.”

-Maroon Loon