Sophomore by Hours, Douchebag by Nature
With Gig ‘Em Week™ coming to a close, eager freshmen are getting out and introducing themselves to fellow classmates all over campus. Students report that Chet Walker, a freshman Pre-Law/Pre-Med double major from The Woodlands, has been making it a point to meet as many of his classmates as possible to build his network early. Students who have met Walker agree that in addition to being aggressively outgoing and having 30 hours of credit already, he is also a total douchebag.
“Howdy! I’m Chester Steven Walker III, but I go by Chet, AAAAA!!!!!!!” Walker said to a passing student. “Are you a freshman? I’m technically a sophomore, but it’s only my first year of college. Wanna grab some Panda?”
Walker was already imagining how he would explain to his new friend how he ended up with so many credit hours when his newest friend, marketing major Lewis Christensen, began evasive maneuvers.
“Hey…sorry man, I’m heading back to my dorm,” Christensen said. “I just ate anyway.”
According to Christensen, Walker was incredibly persistent.
“He asked me what dorm I lived in, then explained that he had lived in a dorm at his summer lacrosse camp every year of his life so far, so he knew all the secrets,” Christensen said. “I just wandered around until he found someone else to bother — there was no way I was leading him to my dorm.”
Others students have had equally unbearable encounters with Walker.
“I remember that guy. He was in my Fish Camp, and he never did his wildcat,” said Jennifer Mendez, a freshman biology major. “When his counselor asked him why, he said he was technically class of 2018… what a prick.”
“He was going on about wanting to play college ball. I’m not sure what sport, but he pulled his meniscus or something at state. I can’t believe I listened to him for so long,” said Kyle Anderson, a freshman English major.
Each evening, Walker can usually be found trying to get a pick-up game of sand volleyball or ultimate Frisbee started.
“Oh, you’re in History 105? I took APUSH last year, so let me know if you need to see my notes,” Walker said to another one of his helpless targets. “I wish I could take easy classes like that, most of mine are 200-level.”
Walker was last seen introducing himself to his professor at the front of a 200-student lecture hall.
-War Hymnal
We haven’t met a more maroon-blooded Aggie than War Hymnal. He can be seen across campus, whether it’s banner-holding for Breakaway or giving campus tours. A man of true virtue, the only swear word he says is “hell,” but only when shouting “sounds like hell” during the Aggie War Hymn. He says he doesn’t feel guilty about it because his service at the Big Event serves as his annual repentance.