Ph.D. Student Identifies New Carcinogen: Air
Amelia Smythe, a Ph.D. student in the Biomedical Sciences department at Texas A&M University, has identified a new carcinogen that is everywhere in our lives: oxygen-containing air.
“This retrospective study reveals irrefutable evidence that breathing increases your risk of cancer,” said Smythe. “Breathing air that has both oxygen and nitrogen is even worse, increasing your risk greatly.”
Smythe’s thesis, published in OAKTrust, has established a strong, positive correlation between breathing and cancer.
“Usually, the jump from finding a correlation to establishing causation is a challenging one, requiring moving from an observational study to a controlled study,” said Dr. Bonnie R. Rush, dean of the College of Veterinary Medicine and Biomedical Sciences. “With such a clear correlation, however, we decided nothing else was needed to prove causality.”
Despite her awe of Smythe’s skills in statistical analysis, the thesis raises some concerns for Rush.
“Medical scientists are always seeking ways to help people live healthier lives. To discover that living increases one’s chances of getting cancer so drastically is frankly disturbing. I don’t dare imagine how many people our contributions to medicine have quietly doomed,” said Rush. “The only thing worse would be the discovery that alcohol causes cancer.”
Fortunately for Rush and all Texas A&M University students, frequent alcohol consumption is currently linked to no illnesses whatsoever and may even confer some benefits.
— Mosher Sickness
He didn’t just catch it – he is it. Mosher Sickness is the reason your group chat has messages you don’t remember sending and why someone thought starting a full-blown debate in the hallway at 2:38 a.m. was a good idea. He operates exclusively on caffeine, delusion and the belief that consequences are more of a suggestion than a rule. If there’s a bad decision to be made, he’s already made it and somehow convinced three other people it was their idea. University Housing won’t claim him, the RA’s have stopped trying, and frankly, we’re not sure he’s left Mosher since 2020.