Internshipless Cadet Enlists, Deploys to Middle East
As LinkedIn feeds begin to fill with internship announcements and carefully worded “I’m excited to share” posts, one member of the Corps of Cadets found himself refreshing his email, searching for a response from at least one of the finance internships at top firms he applied to.
“I was checking my email constantly, just waiting for any response,” said sophomore cadet Daniel Cox. “I was starting to accept that my summer was going to be spent mowing lawns, until I got a text from Sergeant Thompson with the Army Recruiting Station telling me my ROTC stats are the best they’d ever seen. I was pretty flattered when he said the Middle East doesn’t stand a chance against a stud like me.”
With no internship offers and a $5,000 enlistment bonus on the line, Cox was quick to shift summer plans, armed with nothing but a 2.3 GPA and a dream. Cox’s commanding officer, Cadet Colonel Luis Salazar, however, seemed relatively dispassionate about Cox’s prospects as a proud member of America’s fighting force.
“Who? Cox?” said Col. Salazar. “That boy is the dumbest son-of-a-bitch I’ve ever met. If Cox sees any action, it’ll be as live bait for one of them Shaw-head drones.”
Cadet Cox, blissfully undeterred, immediately seized his opportunity to outshine his peers in a LinkedIn post that has already accumulated seven likes.
“This summer, I will be optimizing drone warfare combat defense readiness by spearheading in-field, counter-operative tactics on the front lines of preemptive military activity,” said Cox in the post. “As a member of Team America, I’m proud to join the US Army’s community-oriented mission of protecting American and Israeli imperialist objectives while single-handedly contributing to explosive growth in global energy prices.”
Cox later confirmed that he has already scheduled a follow-up LinkedIn post announcing his heroic return. The post, titled “Grateful for This Opportunity,” is set to be published pending either mission completion or next of kin approval.
— Chain Saw Em Off & Dumbledorm
A hero to some, a villain to many. Chain Saw Em Off came to The Mugdown‘s attention for his unquenchable thirst for satirical violence and love for Texas A&M University. With a withering intellect, Chain Saw Em Off tears into the supple flesh of reality with the churning blade of absurdity to get through the spraying blood and gore to the soft red insides of truth. When not writing, police reports in and around the Austin area suggest he may be responsible for the disappearance of at least 15 people. Take heed! For when you hear the gentle rumble of the chainsaw echoing down the alleyway, it may already be too late.