Mutated Dorm Room Mold Spore Now Full-Time Student
Following an overwhelming surge of mold complaints, Texas A&M University officials have announced that a previously unidentified mold spore, first discovered in Keely residence hall, has officially been reclassified as a full-time student after exhibiting “clear signs of persistence, independent growth and an alarming capacity to thrive in on-campus housing conditions.”
The organism-turned-scholar, initially reported as “potential organic growth” during routine maintenance, was observed living peacefully near official university signage which encouraged students to take initiative in preventing mold in their own dorm rooms. Despite the facility team’s assurances that the environment was “within hospitable parameters,” the spore continued to expand, adapt and eventually develop what hall staff have described as “a strong sense of belonging to the space.”
After several weeks of uninterrupted growth and repeated exposure to inconsistent air conditioning, the mold reportedly reached a level of maturity that forced the administration to intervene. Rather than remove the organism, the university elected to promote it from dorm-room nuisance to full-time student, citing its commitment to remaining in the residence hall as evidence that it would be a great student.
The mold – now listed as Mold, F., Class of 2029 – has since been assigned a UIN, attended a special New Student Conference session and enrolled in a custom meal plan after proving it can survive off of recycled air and vague university accountability. Sources say the scholarly spore is currently undecided on its major, but has shown great interest in environmental science, microbiology and whatever else can explain how it managed to thrive in a space that, according to the Department of Residence Life, could never support mold growth.
As of now, Mold F. is scheduled to move into its permanent resident hall in the coming weeks, where it will continue to flourish alongside human students. Rumors abound among wary residents that Mold F. is applying to be the floor RA for next year.
— Chain Saw ‘em Off
A hero to some, a villain to many. Chain Saw Em Off came to The Mugdown‘s attention for his unquenchable thirst for satirical violence and love for Texas A&M University. With a withering intellect, Chain Saw Em Off tears into the supple flesh of reality with the churning blade of absurdity to get through the spraying blood and gore to the soft red insides of truth. When not writing, police reports in and around the Austin area suggest he may be responsible for the disappearance of at least 15 people. Take heed! For when you hear the gentle rumble of the chainsaw echoing down the alleyway, it may already be too late.