Performative Research: The Signs and Symptoms

In recent weeks, an epidemic of resume-building undergraduate researchers has swept campus labs, but what are the symptoms of this serious condition? We at The Mugdown have partnered with University Health Services to compile a list of signs that you or a loved one might be a performative researcher.

 

1.You brag endlessly about the number of research hours you have: If the number you boast meets or exceeds 300 in one semester, your case could be critical. Seek help immediately. At this stage, you might even include the hours you spent in the lab office waiting for the autoclave to finish in your count.

 

2. You are in multiple labs at the same time: Performative researchers often find themselves juggling two or more labs. Keeping these labs separate and hidden from each other can result in multiple anguishing symptoms. The Mugdown condemns cheating in committed relationships, even as a symptom of a serious condition. 

 

3. You forgo wearing proper PPE: Late-stage performative researchers have been seen wearing sandals, shorts, no gloves and open lab coats. In more advanced cases, you could even suffer the delusion that this makes you look cooler.

 

4. You have multiple “Texas A&M Undergraduate Research” pins on your backpack: This symptom is not unlike the appearance of an unread paperback copy of Machiavelli’s “The Prince” in the back pocket of an individual suffering from performative masculinity.

 

5. You work on data analysis during class and make sure everyone knows it: This behavior might persist over the course of multiple lectures and is often concomitant with a desire to show others how far above these trivial undergraduate-level courses you are. Your loud typing and deep sighs really set the tone.

 

6. You refuse to help other student researchers: This symptom is more indicative of the pre-medical strain and represents a threat to both yourself and others. 

 

7. You only care about publications: A lack of interest in the scientific endeavor is the hallmark symptom of a performative researcher. If you have answered “yes” to this question in particular, please seek true passion outside of this field immediately.

 

If you identify with three or more of these traits, contact your medical or graduate school admissions committee promptly so you can beg them to let you in. If you recognize these traits in a loved one, reach out. It can be challenging to wash so much glassware and only be the 32nd author on a research paper. 

 

— HypochondriAg