That One Theatre Kid Gets Accepted Into Disney College Program
After years of performing numbers from their most recent play in a local Denny’s at 2:00 am, Texas A&M student and self-proclaimed high school theatre legend Jasmine Hayes took to Instagram to announce her most dramatic role yet: Disney’s newest cast member by way of the highly sought-after Disney College Program.
In the days following the announcement, Hayes’s followers have reported a complete social media rebrand, including a “Days Until Orlando” countdown, pictures of the parks with emotionally-charged captions quoting Disney princess movies and hundreds of reposts from Disney College Program alumni who claim that sweeping Main Street in the Florida heat was a journey of self-discovery.
“Our apartment is full of Disney collectibles, and I have woken up to ‘The Lion King’ soundtrack every day for a week,” said Hayes’s roommate Jessica Markson. “I genuinely cannot wait for her to move to Orlando and take all of this junk with her.”
Hayes’s story is far from unique. Each year, hundreds of theatre kids make the pilgrimage to Florida to fulfill their lifelong destiny of spreading joy through forced smiles, heat exhaustion and having meltdowns “backstage.” Despite the program’s reputation of long hours, cramped housing and paychecks that vanish faster than you can say, “have a magical day,” Hayes remains optimistic,because nothing, not even corporate labor, can dull the sparkle of someone who once played a talking candlestick in a ninth-grade production of “Beauty and the Beast.”
—Chain Saw ‘Em Off
A hero to some, a villain to many. Chain Saw Em Off came to The Mugdown‘s attention for his unquenchable thirst for satirical violence and love for Texas A&M University. With a withering intellect, Chain Saw Em Off tears into the supple flesh of reality with the churning blade of absurdity to get through the spraying blood and gore to the soft red insides of truth. When not writing, police reports in and around the Austin area suggest he may be responsible for the disappearance of at least 15 people. Take heed! For when you hear the gentle rumble of the chainsaw echoing down the alleyway, it may already be too late.