Friends of Marathon Runners Speak Out Against Addiction
As the cool weather season comes to an end, so too does the season for running marathons.
“Thank f***ing God!” said Austin Edmond, a junior at Texas A&M University. “They say that less than one percent of Americans have run a marathon, yet 90 percent of them seem to be in my social circle. If I have to hear about one more friend’s life-changing marathon experience, I’m going to spike their gels with arsenic.”
In order to shed light on the many negative impacts distance running can have on the lives of once-thriving young people, reporters at The Mugdown interviewed friends, family and addiction experts to learn more about this terrible plight.
“My friend Kyle used to be a regular guy,” said senior Alex Mason. “Then he got into distance running, and it has really become an addiction. He shat his pants during the LA marathon and still tried to tell me it was the best experience of his life.”
“My friend Camille never hangs out with our group past 8:00 pm anymore,” said junior Carson Jones. “She says she has to go to bed for her early morning runs. I can tell she doesn’t really want to do this, but it seems like some invisible force is pulling her away from us and towards the siren song of marathons.”
Jessica Bernard, a professor of Cognition and Cognitive Neuroscience at Texas A&M, explained the science behind addiction to distance running.
“Numerous studies have shown that people who run marathons are especially weak-willed. They simply can’t say no to running one more excessively long race, even if it is negatively impacting their health or interpersonal relationships,” said Dr. Bernard. “Addiction can cause seemingly competent people to live in delusion in order to justify their indulgences.”.
Jerry Sanger, a mental health coach and addiction counselor at Beutel Health Center, warned students to stand strong against the intense social pressures that persuade many college students to take up distance running.
“Running marathons doesn’t make you cool, kids,” said Sanger. “Just because your friends are doing it doesn’t mean you have to. Just because they’re talking about it all the time doesn’t make them interesting people. Maybe find some new friends who do things that are actually cool, like having sex and taking drugs.”
Beutel Health Center has established a support group for the friends and loved ones of marathon addicts. The group meets on Saturdays at 11:00 am to provide support during the especially difficult time of the week when many marathon runners complete their long runs.
— Ditzie Chicken
Ditzie Chicken is not a male-centered woman, she simply thinks men are the most interesting aspect of life. She must obsess over a boy at all times lest she rapidly descend into a pit of melancholia. Ditzie Chicken does not discriminate; she thinks all men are handsome, as long as they are blonde. Before spending time with friends, Ditzie makes a mental list of three potential conversational topics that have nothing to do with men so as not to annoy her companions with another pointless monologue about her favorite man of the week. In her free time, Ditzie enjoys thinking about dating, thinking about men and thinking about dating men. Despite what may be suggested by her personality, Ditzie Chicken has an IQ of over 180. In the future, she plans to work as a biomedical-aerospace-chemical engineer and, more importantly, get married.