Breaking: SBP Candidate Promises Change Using Same Platform as Every Year
In a bold announcement this week, Student Body President candidate Ben Smith has unveiled a platform centered on change that hopes to be achieved through the same tradition that has defined student government campaigns for years.
The platform was released via an over-edited compilation video filled with smiling students from the same social bubble, listing priorities that appear identical to those from last year, the year before that, and several more still preserved on archived Instagram profiles.
“Change is really important to me,” Smith said when questioned about the video. “That’s why my platform focuses on preserving tradition, advocating for students, and putting the Aggie Core Values at the forefront.”
While the platform promises progress, it carefully avoids introducing policies that could be tracked or remembered beyond campaign season. Central to the campaign is a renewed commitment to advocacy, including listening to students and amplifying their voices. The campaign clarified that this would include open conversations and ongoing dialogue, all of which are expected to continue indefinitely. When asked what issues would be prioritized, Smith emphasized flexibility. “We want to meet students where they are,” he said, though declined to say where that is.
Supporters insist that this campaign is different from those of the past, mainly due to increased use of drone footage in campaign videos. The campaign has expressed excitement about “continuing the conversation” and “moving forward together,” assuring students that meaningful change is possible, even when not clearly defined.
Students are encouraged to stay engaged throughout the election season and remember that regardless of the outcome on February 27th, next year’s candidates are already preparing to promise change in remarkably similar language.
– Wolf of Wehner
Since before the FBI had even heard the name Jordan Belfort, the Wolf of Wehner has been active in high-profile business and political operations around the world. The Wolf played a key role in the Watergate scandal, the death of Princess Diana, the ‘08 recession and even estate budgeting for Jeffrey Epstein’s Island. The Wolf of Wehner does not deny their involvement in these scandals but rather openly discusses them to demonstrate their “vast experience and keen business acumen” when applying for summer internships in private equity and investment banking. The Wolf of Wehner, although elusive, can sometimes be spotted selling test answers before Accounting 229 exams, falsifying earnings projections in case competitions or talking loudly on the quiet floors of the West Campus Library. The future of American business is in the hands of this infamous individual whose LinkedIn profile (with 500+ connections) professes that “It is better to be rich than happy. Obviously.”