Record High Church Attendance with Valentine’s Day Approaching
Local churches across Aggieland reported record-breaking attendance this past Sunday after hundreds of single Texas A&M students simultaneously realized Valentine’s Day was approaching and they “might as well start going back to church.”
Witnesses say overflow seating was made available, extra parking attendants were deployed and several students were seen circling the lots for up to 20 minutes, a test of patience and strategic opportunity.
“I’ve really just been feeling called back to church lately,” said junior finance major Ryan H., who admitted he had not attended a service since Welcome Week.
Inside services, singles filled entire rows alone, nodding intensely during sermons about patience, faith and trusting God’s timing, often while subtly scanning the room during worship. Several attendees were observed singing louder than usual, making deliberate eye contact during the passing of the peace and strategically planning seating based on who they would be holding hands with during prayer.
In at least one reported interaction, a God-fearing son of Christ approached an eligible, fearfully and wonderfully made daughter of Christ, informing her that God had given him a vision revealing that she was meant to be his wife. Allegedly, the daughter of Christ nodded and said she would pray on it.
Several attendees admitted they were hoping for a divinely-orchestrated run-in after service. Pastors across College Station acknowledged the phenomenon, noting that February consistently brings a wave of “relationship-ready reverence.”
Following service, clusters of singles were observed making deliberately vague weekend plans within earshot of one another.
“Yeah, I don’t really have plans,” one student said casually. “Just church. Maybe coffee. Open to whatever.”
As of Monday morning, churches report attendance is expected to remain high through Valentine’s Day weekend, or until most attendees either find a church crush, get ghosted or decide to “just focus on themselves for a bit.”
— MS Pick Me and Chain Saw ‘Em Off
Yes, you’ve seen her. No, you don’t know her, but she definitely knows you. You can find MS Pick Me strategically positioning herself at the prime table spot in every coffee shop in College Station, rotating between them every 30 minutes to ensure seeing as many of her friends as possible. Yes, she is wearing head to toe Daily Drills and drives a baby blue Ford Bronco, but she is so incredibly humble about it! MS Pick Me is notorious for repeating the phrase “to piggyback off what the Professor said…” and mentioning her next meeting she has to run to when you never asked. She camps out in the MSC not to study, but to be seen studying, preferably within earshot of at least three different org members and one professor she can wave to. If life had participation trophies, MS Pick Me would have all of them.