Record High Church Attendance with Valentine’s Day Approaching

Local churches across Aggieland reported record-breaking attendance this past Sunday after hundreds of single Texas A&M students simultaneously realized Valentine’s Day was approaching and they “might as well start going back to church.”

Witnesses say overflow seating was made available, extra parking attendants were deployed and several students were seen circling the lots for up to 20 minutes, a test of patience and  strategic opportunity. 

“I’ve really just been feeling called back to church lately,” said junior finance major Ryan H., who admitted he had not attended a service since Welcome Week. 

Inside services, singles filled entire rows alone, nodding intensely during sermons about patience, faith and trusting God’s timing, often while subtly scanning the room during worship. Several attendees were observed singing louder than usual, making deliberate eye contact during the passing of the peace and strategically planning seating based on who they would be holding hands with during prayer. 

In at least one reported interaction, a God-fearing son of Christ approached an eligible, fearfully and wonderfully made daughter of Christ, informing her that God had given him a vision revealing that she was meant to be his wife. Allegedly, the daughter of Christ nodded and said she would pray on it.  

Several attendees admitted they were hoping for a divinely-orchestrated run-in after service. Pastors across College Station acknowledged the phenomenon, noting that February consistently brings a wave of “relationship-ready reverence.”

Following service, clusters of singles were observed making deliberately vague weekend plans within earshot of one another. 

“Yeah, I don’t really have plans,” one student said casually. “Just church. Maybe coffee. Open to whatever.”

As of Monday morning, churches report attendance is expected to remain high through Valentine’s Day weekend, or until most attendees either find a church crush, get ghosted or decide to “just focus on themselves for a bit.”

— MS Pick Me and Chain Saw ‘Em Off