Mike Elko Joins Aggie Moms in Finals Week Hugs Initiative
Yesterday morning, Texas A&M Head Football Coach Mike Elko announced that he will be joining the Aggie Moms outside the Memorial Student Center for the duration of finals week to give hugs to the student body.
“A lot of the boys on my team have told me that people are starting to think I’m scary after throwing all those chairs around and shouting expletives in the locker room, so I’m really trying to improve my image,” said Coach Elko.
Kathy McQueen, President of the Federation of Aggie Moms, has issued a statement on how she acquired Elko for the initiative.
“Randy Bond is my bestie’s son, and he had mentioned to her that Coach Elko always makes sure to hug every player during warmups before every football game,” said McQueen. “This made me get to thinking that we need him on our finals support team for those stressed-out babies on campus! Who knows, maybe they need a hug from a dad too!”
Junior Biomedical Engineering major Tony Gianu has spoken out on his excitement for the revival of this finals week program.
“I have a 47 in Biofluid Mechanics,” said Gianu. “But I know that with a bear hug from Coach Elko and a half-time level pep talk, I can get a 226% on my final exam and make the greatest academic comeback in school history!”
With the start of finals swiftly approaching, the line for hugs from Aggie Moms and Coach Elko is sure to be all the way from the Memorial Student Center to White Creek Apartments.
— Lavender Hazed
Yes, Lavender Hazed is a Swiftie, but Don’t You start thinking those stereotypes Mean you know everything about her Sad Beautiful Tragic story. She bleeds Maroon which is why she joined the Corps of Cadets. But The Very First Night, Lavender Hazed learned the Corps was no Wonderland when The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived in Briggs Hall tried to haze her with a rubber snake attached to an Invisible String. Fortunately, she was able to Jump Then Fall out her window to the Holy Ground of the Quad and run to her Getaway Car. Lavender Hazed knew All Too Well (10 Minute Version) that Everything Has Changed. Even after reporting The Man, she could not Shake It Off that she was The Lucky One that was Safe & Sound. Long Story Short, now she spends her Daylight writing satire to expose hazing all across campus which to her is Better than Revenge. Mirrorball.