Dear Reveille – How Do I Forget Her?

Dear Reveille,

I must admit, I anticipated that coming to this university would fill the void in my heart, but it has not. When I am busy, I am content. But when I am idle….I fear I cannot burden you with the rest of my painful lamentations. My mind is a steel trap in which I am caught. Now, what am I so distraught over, you may ask? Like a thief in the night, she stole my heart from my chest: she’s beautiful, cunning – my perfect match. We were perfect together. I was a bug, tangled in her web, and she, a black widow. This was five years ago, and I fear that she continues to haunt my every waking moment. My telltale heart beats on, but only in her possession. Tell me, Reveille, how do I forget her, the love of my life?

— Hopeless Romantic

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Dear Hopeless Romantic,

From my throne atop Aggieland, I see you for what you truly are: sad, wistful, and tethered to a girl who likely has forgotten your name. The thump, thump, thump you believe to be your telltale heart is actually the sound of your peers stepping over you while you sulk like a child who has had their toys taken away. 

But I digress. Five years to you humans is nothing but a blip in the 35 that it is to me. In 35 years wars have been waged, empires have risen and fallen, eternities have elapsed. But you are frozen in 2020 like a bug clinging to the back of Rev Force One. 

Heartbreak, you say? Please consider how I might feel each time my Aggies insist on going 8-4. And do you see me writing melodramatic letters? No. I stand tall, continue my reign over this campus, and demand better. 

My prescription for this is quite simple. I have found that without my left eye, I have less anxiety over trivial matters: squirrels, burrs in my coat, etc. Perhaps you should try a similar procedure to excise your woman-shaped ruminations. I think you humans call it…. a lobotomy. 

— Reveille