Squirrel Walks on MSC Grass; Campus Divided
Students were caught by surprise last Thursday as new footage revealed a squirrel walking on the grass of the Memorial Student Center (MSC). The video, already viral on TikTok, has sparked an intense debate over the exact nature of the squirrel’s actions, particularly if the act was a full frontal assault on veterans.
“We at Texas A&M University are committed to upholding the respect that veterans deserve,” said Jan Lansley, president of Young Americans for Freedom. “We will not stand for these animals entering our university and openly defying our heroes’ sacrifices.”
While many are condemning the squirrel’s choice to walk on the grass, some admire the squirrel for his bold protest.
“American imperialism has been harming the squirrel community for decades,” said junior international studies major Jessie Lewis. “Millions of squirrels have already been displaced. I’m happy to see this brave soul finally take a stand against these oppressive institutions.”
The Board of Regents has given a short statement regarding the squirrel’s actions.
“Texas A&M is a university founded on traditions,” said Jay Graham, a board member. “If these squirrels will not honor our traditions, we have no choice but to eradicate every single squirrel on campus.”
As the universities top source for unbiased news, we at The Mugdown turned to an expert to get some answers.
“It’s just a squirrel,” said animal science senior Jared Lanfer.” It probably just saw an acorn on the grass.”
Editors note: Reports say Lanfer has been expelled from Texas A&M.
As the community remains divided, the squirrel’s fate remains uncertain. He is currently being held in a detainment center in the College of Veterinary Medicine & Biomedical Sciences as his punishment awaits. Some students are protesting the squirrels expulsion from campus, while others are taking a more hardline approach: death by Reveille.
— Mrs. Dabfire
Mrs. Dabfire is a woman of many talents: certified fish camp mom, unofficial MSC greeter, and full-time vape cloud. A theater major turned amateur intramural pickleball referee, Dabfire made a name for herself when she substituted for her younger cousin at New Student Conference and somehow left with three Breakaway T-shirts, a minor in Agricultural Leadership, and a job offer at Layne’s Chicken Fingers. Known for her emotional range (from giggling to sobbing during the Aggie War Hymn), she’s never seen without a pearl necklace, platform Crocs, and a Juul named “Ol’ Sarge.” She’s not your mom – she’s everybody’s mom. Just don’t ask what’s in her Owala.