Campus Starting to Realize Dad Isn’t Coming Home

After President and local father figure General Mark Welsh went to get milk on Friday, it’s become increasingly clear he’s probably not coming back. While initially clinging to the hope that he was just caught in traffic —students, staff and faculty have realized this might really be it.

“At first I was hoping he would be back like Jimmy Kimmel, but it’s starting to feel permanent,” said sophomore Jack Evanson.

Students, faculty and staff have been seen around campus spontaneously singing the National Anthem, reminiscing about that Muster speech he gave a few years ago, and reminding one another how cute Mark and his wife Betty were. 

“I remember when we used to watch Aggie football games together,” said a tearful Coach Mike Elko.“He always knew what play to call and just what to say to the refs… Saturdays just won’t be the same without him.”

The revolving door of presidents who never quite seem to measure up to the Board of Regents’ impossible standards has started to take a toll on the student body, no matter how frequently they promise us it’s just between them and d- the president. 

“Dad— I mean General Welsh— was the first stable father figure this campus has had in years,” said sixth-year senior Sarah Carson, “but the Board of Regents just can’t seem to keep a guy. It’s starting to make me think they really are the problem.”

—Dumbledorm