Your Friend Who Just Got Into A Men’s Organization Is Better Than You
Last Monday, The Patriarchy — one of the least prestigious men’s organizations on campus — admitted its newest member class after a gruelingly selective three-week process. Following this announcement, your friend who just got in wants you to know: he’s better than you.
Chosen from an applicant pool with a slight 90% acceptance rate, your friend has clearly demonstrated qualities and skills that will make him vastly more successful in life than you will ever be. His application essay about finding his faith after breaking up with his high school girlfriend who he cheated on multiple times was both relatable and unique. Yours, on the other hand, about your mom dying? Way too depressing.
The humility (and deep pockets) he showed when he lost 300 dollars at meet and greet poker night impressed everyone, while you asking for a lettuce bun burger at the applicant barbecue rubbed a lot of members the wrong way.
The true nail in the coffin, though, was when asked the infamous interview question: “What’s one reason you shouldn’t join The Patriarchy?” You gave a thoughtful and self-aware answer while he said, “There are none. I’m perfect.” It also may have helped that he and all the other applicants who got in happened to be in the same FLO, Fish camp, and major as half the organization, but that is unclear.
Now he gets to use The Patriarchy to further his growth in college, while you will be stagnant and eternally irrelevant. While you develop hobbies and intimate relationships, he will be at ChiliFest “improving his communication skills” and “working on a team.” He’ll get to exemplify his humility when he wears Patriarchy merch every day, even years after he graduates, and he’ll never miss a chance to remind people of the life-changing philanthropy work the organization does that one Saturday morning each year.
In ten years, you will be building a fulfilling life, while he will get to come back for tailgates, inserting himself into conversations with nineteen-year-olds and saying with complete sincerity, “I used to run this org.”
— Yap Leader
Some students scream for the Yell Leaders, but Yap Leader screams at them. The only student ever kicked out of Kyle for excessive sideline commentary, Yap once tried to turn Midnight Yell into a TED Talk. Their yell style? Less humping it, more stories roasting the other teams on their philosophies regarding cult-like traditions, delivered in the cadence of a manic auctioneer. You’ll hear them before you see them – usually arguing with the corps about trying to replace “BTHO” with “respectfully outmaneuvering.”