Student Senate Outraged at Student Body President for Shouting Into Abyss Without Approval

Since last month, enraged student senators have been threatening Student Body President (SBP) Carter Mallory with strongly worded emails after he was spotted screaming about his chemistry grade into the abyss behind Heldenfels Hall without their express approval.

“It is an abhorrent and unjust abuse of power,” said Senator Elissa Purdy. “If the SBP is going to shout into vast, desolate chasms, it should only be with the consent and direction of the Student Senate.”

Pressure is mounting as several senators are mulling articles of impeachment for superseding their clear monopoly on abyss-yelling. Other senators are pushing for a mildly to moderately worded letter that will lay down the law.

Mallory, however, is doubling down on his actions.

“Many people are saying, Mr. President, you’re doing a fantastic job, your lungs are very strong,” said Mallory “Frankly, Senator Purdy doesn’t know what she’s talking about; the student body loves me.”

A few senators seem to be coming around to the SBP’s defense.

“I think he’s trying really, really hard,” said Speaker Addison Griffin. “He’s our fearless leader, and if he wants to shout into the abyss we should all be shouting right along with him!”

To the tens of students who this controversy has impacted, we here at The Mugdown can confidently report that the yawning abyss behind Heldenfels Hall is completely unbothered by whoever chooses to shout into her.

— Dumbledorms